


The Commentary

by suicidallyreckless



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Meta, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:45:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicidallyreckless/pseuds/suicidallyreckless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While going through every episode top to bottom, I'll be looking for evidence that supports K/S and also discussing the arguments against it. Serious about the argument, ridiculous about everything else. T for language. Yay 60s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1x01 - Where No Man Has Gone Before

**Author's Note:**

> **Important:** I started this project in 2009 on ff.net, and back then I was much more vehement and in-your-face about proving Kirk/Spock as fully intentional and 100% deliberately canon. While I still believe that something, somewhere was done on purpose, it's impossible to know exactly what. I felt like I should add this little disclaimer in case people think I'm too...abrasive? Forward? Conspiracy theory happy? You know what I mean.
> 
> Dissecting the series is still just as important and valuable, of course.
> 
>  **Episode Order:** The sequence almost everyone knows is the order in which the episodes aired. For the sake of my sanity and the goals of this project, I'm using the order in which the episodes were _filmed_. 
> 
> **How to read this thing:** Description and dialogue will appear normal, while my comments will be surrounded by three parentheses on each side and italicized.
> 
>  **Example:** _(((blah blah things blah blah)))_

**Episode One: Where No Man Has Gone Before**

The Enterprise has received a recorded distress signal from a ship that has been missing for two centuries and had probed outside of Earth's galaxy. What was the Enterprise getting ready to do? Probe outside Earth's galaxy. Small universe.

_(((I wonder how long it'll take for us to get to some Kirk/Spock goodness.)))_

Kirk and Spock are playing a game of multi-level chess.

_((( XD )))_

At least they WERE playing multi-level chess. Kirk is staring at a display monitor at the moment, not paying attention.

"You're move, Captain." Spock says with a smile.

_(((We all know Spock as the straight faced Vulcan, but this early on in the show he wasn't quite there yet so the fact that he's smiling isn't terribly interesting. What IS interesting is that he's smiling while Kirk is turned away. Right off the bat, we've got a clue.)))_

_(((Oh, and take a look at the hi-larious uniforms they have on. Tan turtlenecks, and is that….velour? Oh dear. And Spock's eyebrows? Wow.)))_

Kirk is still staring at the monitor, still speaking in a kind of hypnotic tone, "Should've intercepted by now. Bridge said they'd call."

"I'll have you check mated your next move." Spock claims confidently.

Now THIS catches Kirk's attention, and he looks at Spock.

_(((It's clear with Spock's tone that he knew exactly what he was saying, and the effect it would have. These guys are clearly close.)))_

Kirk smiles widely, and keeps smiling as he says, "Have I ever told you that you play a very irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?"

Spock doesn't miss a beat, "Irritating? Ah yes, one of your earth emotions."

Kirk makes his move, and Spock's face falls. He was clearly not expecting that move. Kirk sees Spock's reaction and smiles slyly.

"You sure you don't know what irritation is?" Kirk jabs playfully.

Spock takes his turn as he says, "The fact that one of my human ancestors married a human female-"

"Terrible, having bad blood like that," Kirk teases.

The ship's navigator chimes in from the bridge then, and gets both Kirk and Spock's attention.

_(((Well now, they certainly hit the ground running. From a scene less than a minute long they've given a shit ton of info. Spock isn't supposed to register emotion but (alas!) he's half human, they're familiar enough to play chess and tease each other, and they clearly enjoy each other's company. They're also playing chess. They're not talking sports, they're not talking chicks (HA), they're playing a highly strategic game. These guys are intellectuals. We've got also got our first slashy hint: Look at Kirk's face during the exchange, Kirk is always grinning his ass off. When else does he grin his ass off? When he's SEDUCING someone. Who does he smile at one helluva lot? SPOCK. This is one hint of many at their flirty relationship. Yeah, that's right. FLIRTY. Imagine this scene played out between a man and a woman. Illuminating, no?)))_

_(((Where were we? Ah yeah, the navigator insisted on moving the plot forward.)))_

So the navigator tells Kirk that they've reached the ship that was sending a distress signal (The Valiant), and it's uber small. Small enough to beam aboard. Kirk says to do just that, and the next thing we know we're in the transporter room. Valiant is beamed aboard, and the poor thing looks like it's had a rough couple of centuries. Turns out it's a disaster recorder that was jettisoned from the ship that probed outside Earth's galaxy 200 years ago. It starts transmitting and it's top lights up, which apparently is cause enough for a big swell in dramatic music, a red alert, and the title intro.

_(((Right when it was getting insanely tense, yes I know.)))_

Aaaaand we're back. Kirk and Spock calmly walk to the elevator and at the last second Gary Mitchell hops in with them. Gary asks if they finished the game of chess.

Spock is the one to answer, "He played most illogically. His next move should've been the rook."

_(((By the way Spock steps forward as he says this, it's clear that he's still agitated. I love how they showed illogic beating logic right off the bat, it serves one of the general messages of the show that intuition wins out. One of the lynch pins of this series is the metaphor of Kirk and Spock's positions on the ship. Kirk (the intuitive, emotional one) is the leader, while Spock (the logical one) is the right hand man. Both vital, but intuition leads.)))_

They get to the bridge and find…a whole lot of nothing waiting for them. Kirk speaks to the crew and tells them (but mostly the audience) that they're hoping to find out what the Valiant was doing there and what destroyed the vessel.

The department heads drop in and Kirk addresses them, but not before he gets a pretty girl's name wrong when he asks her to move.

_(((My, how attentive he seems to a very pretty blonde. And by 'attentive' I mean 'completely oblivious.' She could've been a chair as far as he seems concerned.)))_

Speaking of pretty blondes, Kirk meets a new one. The show's first Dame of the Hour, Dr. Dehner, the new psychiatrist for the ship. ::Sigh:: The hero of the show meets a pretty girl. Romantic music, googly eyes, and undeniable electricity…are nowhere to be found. At all. She states her purpose (observing crew reactions in emergency conditions) and he acknowledges the fact that she moved her lips and words came out. Then Spock speaks up with news, and Kirk walks away.

_(((It's about as sexually titillating as a dead rhino.)))_

_(((We've just seen Kirk interact with two very attractive ladies in the span of thirty seconds and he's all business. Spock, on the other hand, got 1,000 watt grins from the get go. Is that concrete evidence that they're doin' it like they do on the Discovery channel? Not at all. It's just an interesting detail. There are a lot of those.)))_

Gary tries his luck with Dehner, who takes no time in telling him to get bent. Then Spock gets a breakthrough with the recorder.

Spock (listening to the Valiant's tapes): "Getting something from the recorder now."

Dehner: "If there was an emergency I'd be interested in how that crew reacted."

Kirk turns and looks in her direction as if to say "Oh, was she talking?"

_(((I'm not kidding. Look at it. It's like he forgot she existed the second he walked away.)))_

Long story short, Spock says it sounds like the ship encountered some unknown force.

_(((Yeah…they better get used to that.)))_

Spock: "Now. Orders. Counter orders. Repeated urgent requests for information from the ships computer records for anything concerning ESP in human beings."

Kirk: "Extra-sensory perception?"

_(((No, Kirk, Eliminating Sexy Possums. If it wasn't the 60s, when people probably needed that stuff clarified, I'd laugh at you.)))_

Kirk: "Dr. Dehner, how are you on ESP?"

Dehner: "In tests I've taken my ESP was rather high."

Kirk: "I'm asking what you  _know_  about ESP."

_(((High ESP? Possibly. High IQ? Not so much.)))_

Etc etc, Spock hears something that sounded like the captain of the Valiant giving orders to destroy his own ship. OoOoOOoO, cue suspenseful music. Why would a captain order his own ship destroyed? No clue, that's what the next 43 minutes are for.

Kirk decides to continue with the probe as planned and the Enterprise leaves the galaxy.

A purple force field comes into view then, and it's coming up fast. Spock yells out some orders while Kirk broods quietly. Deflectors say there's something there, sensors say there isn't.

_(((Equipment giving confusing readings? Better get used to that, too.)))_

The Enterprise flies into the big purple force field and the lights go off on the bridge. The force field turns red and starts flashing, but it's when parts of the bridge's control panels starts blowing out and caching fire that things get crazy. Amidst all of the shit hitting all of the fans, Dehner gets zapped in the head, and soon Gary gets the same treatment. Then the ship pulls out of the force field.

Kirk sees Dehner on the ground and goes to her side.

_(((This isn't a romantic gesture, he just has a SOUL.)))_

Then Kirk hears that Gary is in the same condition and moves to go to his side as well, but Spock gently stops him by catching his forearm.

_(((And when I say 'gentle' I mean 'gentle.' Unless it's a drastic situation, they have a gentle way of making contact that is not, as they say, 'butch.' Are they pansies? No. Do they have a way of making contact that's more intimate than normal? Yup.)))_

Spock gives Kirk a little 411 (everything is shit and there's nine people dead), and Kirk kneels down next to Gary. When Gary turns over we see that his eyes are completely silver, but he says he feels fine.

Cut to a little while later as Kirk logs everything wrong with the ship. Basically it's all but fucked. They're traveling on impulse power and the crew seen on the bridge is piecing it all back together. Kirk tells us that the big question now is: What happened to the Valiant after they pulled through the weird energy field?

Kirk is walking around the bridge and ends up near Spock, who's sitting at his station and going through information on his console, namely the ESP ratings of Dehner and Gary. Dehner's is high, but Gary's is higher.

Spock and Kirk look at each other for a brief moment, but it's not a 'trading glances' look (as in they weren't reacting to the information they had just read). The eye contact was accidental, but held for a split second. This happens a lot in developing attraction stories, and it happens a lot to Kirk and Spock.

_(((Is that the most overtly HOLY CRAP THEY WANT EACH OTHER moment in all of history? Of course not. But it does help to get the ball rolling a little. And no, I'm not thinking about it too hard. This amount of detail, and so much more, is thought of by writers and actors. This kind of small moment probably wasn't written in, it was most likely found by the actors.)))_

Dehner comes in and gives her report on Gary's status, as well as hers (they're feeling fine, but yeah those eyes are weird) and she gets a shot to truly showcase her idiocy. Kirk says that her ESPER rating is high, but Gary's is higher, suggesting that there could be danger there. Dehner offers the brilliantly DENSE argument in a snipefest with Spock that ESPERS 'are simply people with flashes of insight' and there's absolutely no danger. Spock puts her in her place but quick, and when Kirk has heard enough he jumps in on Spock's side.

_(((One more time with feeling: High ESP? Yes. High IQ? Fuck no.)))_

Cut to Kirk visiting Gary in the sick bay. This convo deserves close examination.

Gary is reading, but decides to turn on his side and rest. Kirk enters quietly.

"Hello, Jim," Gary says, smiling as he feels Kirk's presence.

_(((What's interesting to the plot is that Gary's could tell it was Kirk without looking, which is kind of creepy. What's interesting to their relationship is that Gary smiled so brightly. These guys work together, they see each other all the time, so seeing each other now isn't a big deal. So why the smile? Hm…what kind of feeling makes people smile like that? The mind reels.)))_

Kirk is caught off guard by Gary knowing it's him without looking and says nothing. Gary, still smiling his head off, looks at Kirk.

"Hey, you look worried," Gary says.

_(((Gary's tone was also very telling. People don't take that kind of fondly concerned tone with just anyone.)))_

Kirk grins, then drops this bomb, "I've been worried about you since that night on Deneb 4."

_(((DO WHAT NOW? Wtf happened on Deneb 4? His choice of words is pretty in-your-face too. 'That night' implies something completely different than 'that time' or 'that day.' If a writer gives that to an actor, it's a clear indication that something personal happened. I mean come on, we've all heard the phrase 'About last night…')))_

Gary laughs softly, then says "Yeah, she was nova, that one. Not nearly as many after effects this time. Except for the eyes, they kind of stare back at me when I'm shaving."

_(((Okay okay, put on the brakes a bit. So, ultimately, Kirk was referencing some crazy chick that Gary had something to do with. Granted, all Gary calls her is a 'nova,' but we're naturally meant to assume that he had some romantic involvement with her. Does he ever say that? Nope. And there's a pretty big beat between Kirk's line and Gary's response. It's like Kirk dangled the possibility out there, and then Gary mentioned a woman. Keep in mind that this is the sixties, if Gary had said something like "Yeah, we went crazy on each other didn't we?" or "Man you had a big dick." The show would've been killed in a heartbeat. The name of the game is 'hiding everything right in front of your face.' It's a game this show plays verrrrry well.)))_

Kirk asks him how he's feeling, Gary says fine, then its his turn to bring up the past.

"Hey man, I remember you at the Academy," Gary says, putting his arms behind his head and smiling fondly, "A stack of books with legs. The first thing I ever heard from an upperclassman was 'Watch out for Lt. Kirk. In his class you either think or sink."

_(((Again, what would you be thinking if this was between a man and a woman? Exactly.)))_

_(((We also get the bit of info that Kirk is a very, very intelligent guy. He was not only 'a stack of books with legs' but he freaking TAUGHT at the Academy. He's a braniac. A brave, handsome, braniac that's driven by emotion who is currently smiling his head off. And when does he smile? When he flirts. This is clearly, clearly evident in episodes to come when he's trying to woo chicks (something he does 9 times out of 10 as a means of getting something else, like information).)))_

Kirk smiles, remembering, "I wasn't that bad, was I?"

_(((Awww, our wittle Kirk is embarrassed. This is the moment when the boy compliments the girl and the girl gets all flattered and goes "Oh I was NOT, teeheehee." Only in this case it's two men…and yet it's still happening.)))_

"If I hadn't aimed that little blonde lab technician at you…" Gary trails off.

Then we hear about how Gary apparently set up Kirk with a chick so he'd be distracted from classes and how Kirk almost married her.

_(((Oh well then, Kirk has almost married a chick. He MUST be straight! After all, bisexual men always know they're bisexual, they don't have to figure it out or anything. And they most certainly have never figured it out in the middle of their life. ::Rolls eyes::)))_

Kirk sees what Gary's been reading.

"You? Spinoza?" Kirk says softly, with –another– smile.

_(((There you go with that intimate tone again, Kirk. Keep it in your pants for two seconds man, geez.)))_

Gary says he's ready for work, Kirk says he'll have Dehner keep an eye on him. Gary's obviously not too much of a Dehner fan.

_(((Neither are we, Gary.)))_

"Consider it a challenge," Kirk says.

_(((Well well WELL, this is very interesting. Could Gary later woo Dehner just to prove to Jim that he can? Considering Gary and Dehner's odd romantic arc, it's most certainly possible. Oh Roddenberry, there you go hiding it out in the open again.)))_

"That doesn't seem very friendly," Gary answers seriously.

_(((Uh, whoa there Gary. You and Kirk apparently did that kind of thing all the time back in the day, why is it so 'unfriendly' now?)))_

_(((So what exactly am I trying to say about Kirk and Gary? They were obviously pals back in the day, before Kirk realized he didn't only dig chicks, and now Kirk clearly has a thing for Gary, and it looks like Gary has a thing for Kirk too. Alas, Gary's turning into a super being now so that kind of ruins that. And besides, this is Kirk and Spock's story.)))_

Next we see Kirk on the bridge. Spock is watching Gary in his room, and Gary's reading a lot faster now than he was a moment ago.

_(((Oh la la! Spock, you eavesdropping little FIEND! Gary was reading before Kirk visited, then started up again after. Spock all but flat out stated 'Hey, I watched your entire conversation.)))_

Cut to a bit later. Dehner is in the room with Gary now, and kind of an odd scene takes place. They're still chilly with one another, then Gary shows off his power as he makes himself flatline, then come back to life a second later. While he was out she leaned over him, and now with her so close he seizes the day and starts touching her gently.

_(((At this point we can tell that's he playing a game rather than showing genuine interest. Since she lets him, it seems to be working.)))_

Dehner tests his abilities by asking him to recall a specific page of a book he just read, and he does. Then Gary pulls her close to tell her that the page of the book she had him recite was a passionate love poem.

"How do you feel doctor?" he asks, " _How do you feel_?"

_(((Whoa, ease up on the Creep Factor there, Gary.)))_

She replies with, "I just fell, nothing happened."

_(((Ahhhh, so he was asking her if she'd felt any certain powers.)))_

"Are you sure?" he asks in a whispery voice, pulling her closer, " _Are you sure_?"

Dehner is clearly resisting him. She's very tense.

_(((Yeah, this is a real love scene alright. And by 'love scene' I mean 'creepfest.')))_

Then some random guy named Lee comes in, coughs awkwardly to break up whatever the hell is going on, and says that it's his lunch break so he just stopped by to see how Gary was.

_(((Who the hell is Lee, and why is he taking time from his lunch break to see Gary?)))_

Lee steps into the room, obviously disturbed by Gary's silver eyes.

Gary smiles and says, "Don't let the light in my eyes bother you, pal, they're all for our good looking lady doctor here."

Lee laughs a little like Gary had just made a joke, "Yeah, sure."

_(((Okay…let's back this Gay Train up a sec. Lee comes in from his lunch break, interrupting a very awkward seduction attempt, to see how Gary is doing. Gary says he has eyes for the doctor. Lee laughs at Gary's joke. DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A PICTURE? I didn't change a thing either, it's all right there in Technicolor.)))_

Gary gives Lee advice about the ship's repair that Lee doesn't take seriously until Gary snaps at him.

Cut to Lee in a meeting with the ship's department heads (including Spock and Kirk) telling them that Gary was, somehow, right. Dehner comes in later, saying that she had been fascinated by Gary, er…Mr. Mitchell.

Spock is quick to point out that they're interested in what Gary is mutating into than Gary himself.

Dehner is quick to get vicious, saying to Spock, "I know those from your planet aren't supposed to have feelings like we do, Mr. Spock, but to talk that way about a man you've worked next to for years is-"

"That's enough, doctor," Kirk interrupts firmly.

_(((Behold, the first time Kirk jumps in to defend Spock, and he does it pretty darn quickly too.)))_

"I don't think so," Dehner calmly snipes back at Kirk, "I understand you least of all. Gary told me that you've been friends since you joined the service, that you asked for him aboard your first command."

_(((Now THERE'S an interesting bit of information, for those keeping track.)))_

Kirk puts Dehner in her place but quick, and then tells Spock to continue. From there, Dehner is questioned about Gary's growing powers until she finally loses it.

Dehner: "Don't you understand?! A mutated, superior man could also be a wonderful thing! The forerunner of a new and better kind of human being!"

_(((Bitch. Is. Retarded.)))_

Nobody says anything for a moment, probably to keep themselves from ROFL.

Shortly thereafter, Kirk dismisses the meeting and everybody leaves.

Everybody, that is, except for Spock. He starts to leave, stops, then turns to the captain.

_(((Oooo, Spock, do tell. What's on your mind?)))_

Spock advises Kirk to leave Gary on Delta Vega, a nearby deserted planet that only has a mine on it's surface. Kirk is instantly combative.

"If you mean strand Mitchell there, I won't do it!" Kirk snaps, "Station is fully automated, even the ore ships call once every twenty years."

"You have one other choice," Spock calmly points out, "Kill Mitchell while you still can."

Kirk absorbs what has just been said, then quietly commands, "Get out of here."

Spock doesn't obey, doesn't move, he just keeps talking, "It is your only other choice, assuming you make it while you still have time."

"Will you try for one moment to feel?" Kirk says, "At least act like you've got a heart."

_(((OUCH, Kirk. OUCH. Especially since you just defended Spock on that exact point not two minutes ago.)))_

Kirk's voice softens, "We're talking about Gary."

_(((God I bet Kirk's arm is tired, what with all of this torch carrying going on.)))_

Spock keeps at it by saying, "The Captain of the Valiant probably felt the same way, and he waited too long to make his decision. I think we've both guessed that."

Kirk doesn't say anything for a second, but it's clear he knows that Spock is right.

"Set course for Delta Vega," Kirk orders.

_(((Spock – 1. Kirk – 0.)))_

_(((Gee, what other time does Spock tell Kirk that someone he cares for has to die? Could it be from The City on the Edge of Forever, when Spock tells him that Edith_ _needs to die for the sake of history? What an interesting parallel, eh? And that 'romantic arc' wasn't nearly as substantial, but I'll save that for that episode.)))_

After Kirk once again restates what everyone's planning to do next for the people in the cheap seats, we're back in Gary's room in sickbay. Kirk, Spock and Dehner enter just in time to see Gary make a cup of water fly into his hand. Long story short: Gary can move shit and read minds now and he knows what's going on. He electrifies Kirk, then electrifies Spock when he tries to attack as well.

_(((Might I point out that Spock tries to make a dive for Gary, instead of just reaching for his gun, which would've been more logical. Spock reacted emotionally.)))_

They manage to hold Gary down while Dehner gives him a tranquilizer.

Next we see Kirk wrangling Gary into the transporter room, where Gary's hit with another dose of tranquilizer.

So what does a man with two shots of a tranquilizer do? Why, he stands in place all on his own while he's beamed down to Delta Vega, that's what!

They arrive on the planet's surface, and Gary is taken to a holding cell.

Behold! The worst line of the episode!

Dehner (looking out at the planet): "There's no soul on this planet but us?"

Kirk: "Nobody but us chickens, doctor."

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk, Spock and Dehner go to talk to Gary. Gary gets all wound up and walks into the force field that's keeping him captive, then he does it again just for kicks and is thrown backward. His eyes lose the creepy silvery coating.

"Jim," Gary says quietly. His tone is emotional, as is his expression.

They figure out the obvious: Hurting Gary significantly causes the God-like being to go away for a while, making him vulnerable. But then the silver comes back. Well shit.

Meanwhile, back on the ship, Scotty is finishing up the repairs. He tells Kirk as much via communicator, then asks if Spock got the phaser rifle he sent down.

Kirk is clueless until Spock comes around the corner carrying said rifle. There's a tense moment of silence. They both know what the rifle is for. Kirk hangs up on Scotty and slaps the communicator down. He is clearly upset.

Spock: "He tried to get through to force field again. His eyes changed back faster, he didn't become as weak."

Kirk: "Dehner feels he isn't that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?"

_(((Kirk is grasping at straws now, you can tell by his words and his tone.)))_

Spock: "Because she feels. I don't. All I know is logic. In my opinion we'll be lucky if we can repair this ship and get away in time."

_(((Spock – 2. Kirk – 0.)))_

We come back from commercial to see most of the landing party beaming back up to the ship while Kirk, Spock and Dehner are at Gary's cell. Dehner is watching Gary just stand in his cell with a hypnotic, damn near aroused, expression.

Dehner: "He's been like that for hours now."

_(((This line is the sexiest of the show, simply because of how she says it. She's totally on his side now, it's obvious.)))_

Gary uses his powers to strangle poor Lee (who's waiting by the oh-shit-let's-blow-everything-up-button in the other room), then he electrocutes Kirk and Spock again, this time knocking them out. Gary turns off the force field with his mind and shows Dehner her reflection, she's got the ol' silver in the eyes now too.

Cut to later. Kirk and Spock are still out cold on the floor. The doctor swings by and wakes up Kirk. When the doctor goes to revive Spock, Kirk stops him and tells him to wait until he's gone. The doctor tells him the direction Gary and Dehner headed off to, and Kirk goes after them alone.

_(((Kirk knew that if Spock was awake before he left, he'd insist on going with him. Kirk clearly didn't want to put him in danger like that. It's really sweet, actually, and brave. 'Foolish, but fearless' is basically Kirk's slogan.)))_

Kirk chases after the God-like beings, the God-like beings perform miracles, then Gary tells Dehner to go to Kirk to see how pathetic mere humans really are.

She appears to Kirk, who now has a chance to state the numerous points of the episode with vigor and passion.

Dehner: "Before long we'll be where it would've taken mankind millions of years of learning to-"

Kirk: "And what will Mitchell learn when getting there? Will he know what to do with his power? Will he acquire the  _wisdom_?"

_(((Point 1: The path to obtaining knowledge is just as important as the knowledge itself.)))_

Dehner: "Please go back while you still can."

Kirk: "Did you hear him joke about compassion? Of all else a God needs compassion. Mitchell!"

_(((Point 2 is pretty obvious.)))_

Dehner: "What do you know about Gods?"

Kirk: "Then let's talk about humans. About our frailties. As powerful as he gets he'll still have all of that inside of him."

_(((Point 3: However strong/smart/powerful a human may be, they're still human.)))_

Dehner: "Go back!"

Kirk: "You were a psychiatrist once. You know the ugly, savage things we keep buried that none of us dare expose. But he'll dare. Who's to stop him, he doesn't need to care."

_(((Point 4: Without our sanity to keep the beasts within us all in check, there's chaos.)))_

Then Gary shows up.

Behold! The first ever pointless tuck and roll of the series!

Well Gary's not a very nice God, so he makes a grave with a headstone for Kirk and then forces Kirk to pray to him. This gives Kirk a chance to say the 5th and final point of this episode to Dehner.

Kirk: "Do you like what you see?! Absolute power corrupting absolutely!"

_(((Point 5…self explanatory. Big stuff for a 60s t.v. pilot.)))_

Dehner FINALLY gets it and attacks Gary with electricity. The Gods attack each other for a second, then they stop and Gary's eyes go back to normal.

A fight between Kirk and Gary ensues.

Behold! The first pointless torn shirt of the series!

_(((Mmm…sexy Kirk shoulder.)))_

Well Gary's power comes back too quickly so Kirk has to trap Gary in the grave by creating a landslide with the rifle. Then he goes to Dehner's side and she dies. He's kinda sad.

_((('Cause he has a SOUL.)))_

Cut to later, on the bridge. The pilot ends with this little exchange between Kirk and Spock:

"He didn't ask for what happened to him," Kirk muses aloud.

"I felt for him too," Spock admits.

Kirk looks over at Spock, who is still staring ahead, and grins ever so slightly before saying, "I believe there's some hope for you after all, Mr. Spock."

Kirk looks ahead again. Spock looks over at Kirk. Kirk looks over at Spock. They hold eye contact for a moment. They both look ahead. Spock grins every so slightly.

_(((Oh my, they are really good at packing so much into what looks like so little._

_#1. Spock admits to feeling. This, as we all know, is HUGE. We can also tell that this is a direct response to Kirk's insults from earlier._

_#2. Kirk grins to show how affected he is by Spock's admittance. There's something else going on, too. If it was simply a matter of "Hey, my friend has emotions!" He would have treated the moment differently, possibly in a more extroverted way if the actor so chose._

_#3. "I believe there's some hope for you after all, Mr. Spock." This line states the obvious, but also implies that there's hope for something more, especially with the way the line delivered._

_#4. Eye contact. They find themselves in a moment yet again, only this time it's more pronounced, and it's no accident._

_#5. Spock smiles just as slightly as Kirk does, and in the same way. They're both speaking the same thing._

_If this took place between a man and a woman, it would be PAINFULLY obvious that the series is setting up for them to be the main romantic interest. This is the pilot, after all, and the pilot is always supposed to give you a taste of everything the show is about. Mission accomplished.)))_


	2. 1x02 The Corbomite Maneuver

**Season One, Episode Two: The Corbomite Maneuver**

At the top of the episode, we see Spock in command as the Enterprise is on a star mapping mission. He's giving orders, making decisions, all in all very comfortable. Mr. Bailey comments that surely there are star maps of this area of space, but Spock corrects him. The Enterprise is the first to get this far.

_(((This isn't the last time Bailey is corrected. Poor guy has quite an episode in store for him.)))_

Sulu reports that they have an object moving towards them, but it's too far away to see. They're on a collision course with the object and, to no surprise, try to change that fact. But when they adjust, it adjusts. Spock orders a full stop, and the thing is still coming.

Now they can start to see it. It gets closer and closer, and when it comes into full view it looks like that old school screen saver with the constantly morphing shape that would bounce off the edges of the screen (only it doesn't morph)…but they wouldn't know about that.

_(((The object apparently brings suspenseful, curious music with it too. It sounds vaguely Danny Elfman-esque, which always makes me happy.)))_

So it keeps getting closer, and Spock orders to go ahead slowly and try to steer around it. Well the they do that, but the damn thing keeps getting in the way like a bully in Jr. High.

"It's blocking the way!" Bailey exclaims.

"Quite unnecessary to raise your voice, Mr. Bailey," Spock calmly chides.

Well since the thing won't move Spock orders an alert and Sulu calls Kirk to the bridge.

_(((Where the hell has Kirk been this whole time? I'm glad you asked, and you'll be glad to find out if you're attracted to male human beings.)))_

When we get back from commercial we're treated to Kirk in the sickbay on a somewhat ridiculous exercise machine, working up a sweat with no shirt on. He complains about being tired, but McCoy keeps him going. McCoy also notices that the alert light is flashing, but he makes a point to NOT tell Kirk.

_(((The alert is silent in sickbay, for some reason. Maybe they have it that way in purpose to avoid disrupting patients? Who knows.)))_

Kirk finally finishes the physical exam and sits up. He notices the alarm and immediately calls Spock on the bridge. He's picked up his shirt at this point…and put it around his neck. When he's done talking with Spock he picks up another shirt…and puts it around his shoulders. He's still very much half naked.

_(((And sweating. Let's not forget the glistening aspect.)))_

He strolls out into the hall as McCoy delivers a line pretty close to what his character becomes famous for.

McCoy: "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?!"

_(((Love McCoy, the snarky bastard. XD)))_

And in one of my favorite shots in all of Star Trek history: Kirk strolls casually, and confidently, down the hall way and to the elevator. He's still half naked. He gets to the elevator and starts heading up to the bridge. He checks in with Spock while he's en route and hears that he has a little time so he decides to go change first.

_(((He was gonna go to the bridge HALF NAKED?! I'm not complaining, but still…that would've been…interesting…)))_

Meanwhile, on the bridge, Spock and Bailey have this little conversation:

Spock taps on Bailey's console.

Spock is stating the obvious, "All decks have reported green, Mr. Bailey."

"Yes, sir," Bailey replies, a little annoyed.

Spock is still giving orders he should already know, "And when the captain arrives he'll expect a full report on-"

"The cube's range and position" Bailey interrupts, "I'll have it by then. Raising my voice back there doesn't mean I was scared and couldn't do my job. I happened to have a human thing called an adrenaline gland."

_(((Wow, did a newbie just jab Spock? Stupid boy.)))_

Spock doesn't even have to think for a second, "Does sound most inconvenient however I'd consider having it removed."

And Spock walks off like it wasn't even a blip on his radar.

_(((Love Spock, the snarky bastard.)))_

Meanwhile, back in Kirk's room, the man is FINALLY getting a shirt on as he calls Spock for an update, then heads to the bridge. Here's what's going on with the mysterious cube: Nothing. No sign of life, no demands, it's a freakin' cube. Kirk fields opinions from his department heads and they have no idea either. Bailey, however, does have an idea and he decides to chime in.

"Sir, we just gonna let it hold us here?" Bailey asks, "We have phaser weapons. I vote we blast it.

Kirk responds easily, "I'll keep that in mind, Mr. Bailey…when this becomes a democracy."

_(((KIRK BURN. That's what, the third time Bailey's been put in his place? We're not even at the ten minute mark yet. It's not that he's an arrogant prick, he's just wet behind the ears when it comes to this kind of stuff. Plus he's young, so some degree of stupidity is a given.)))_

_(((Love Kirk, the snarky bastard.)))_

Cut to later. Well now they've been stuck for eighteen hours with no changes. Everyone is sitting around the conference room, bored stiff. Spock decides to speak up with a couple of ideas.

Spock: "I believe it adds to either one of two possibilities. First, a space buoy of some kind."

Kirk: "Second?"

Spock: "Fly paper."

Kirk: "And you don't recommend sticking around."

Spock: "Negative, it would make us appear too weak."

Kirk decides it's time for action, and calls on Bailey who presumptuously contacts the phaser gun crew. Kirk is quick to jump on him for such a move.

Kirk: "I'll select what kind of action Mr. Ba-"

Bailey: "I'm sorry, sir, I-"

Kirk: "Are you explaining, Mr. Bailey? I haven't requested an explanation."

_(((Dear god, Bailey fucked up AGAIN and we're STILL not at the ten minute mark! Poor schmuck. I must admit, though, I do like seeing Kirk handle the kid. It's a good example of what strong captain he is. In fact, this whole episode is a great estament to his talent as a leader.)))_

So now they're going to try pulling away from the Rubik's cube with a mission.

It doesn't work.

_(((Shock.)))_

Then they try slowly going towards it to see if it'll back off.

It doesn't work.

_(((Amazement.)))_

As they get closer and closer, the radiation the cube is emitting gets stronger and stronger. Finally, with few other options, Kirk tells Bailey to lock onto it with phasers.

Bailey hesitates.

Kirk has to tell him again.

Bailey locks on at last, they fire, and the things explodes right in the Enterprise's face.

Commercial break.

_(((Someone needs to say something about Bailey before the kid pokes his own eye out. Srsly.)))_

And we're back. With the cube being destroyed, the only question now is whether or not to press forward or turn back. Repairs are going on throughout the ship, and a verrrrry interesting little scene with Kirk and Spock happens. Spock is trying to find out some more information at his console and Kirk is wanders up behind him.

"Nothing, Captain," Spock reports, "No contents, no object in any direction."

Kirk takes a seat on the railing as he says, "Care to speculate on what we'll find if we go ahead?"

Spock takes a seat in his chair, "Speculate? Well, logically, we'll discover the intelligence that sent out the cube."

Kirk starts gently rubbing his eyes, the fatigue is starting to get to him, "Intelligence different from ours or superior?"

"Probably both," Spock replies simply, "And if you're asking the logical decision to make…"

"No, I'm not" Kirk gently insists, "The mission of the Enterprise is to seek out and contact alien life."

Spock takes in his response, then comes back with, "Has it occurred to you that there's a certain…inefficency…in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about?"

Kirk grins, eyes sparkling, as he replies at almost a whisper, "It gives me emotional security."

Kirk keeps grinning. Spock holds eye contact, then looks away.

Message received.

_(((HOLY. FUCKING. BABY. JESUS. If you think I'm exaggerating or embellishing anything, I'm not. Watch the scene. That's how it happens. Kirk grins. His eyes sparkle. It's all there. If you don't think there's any sexual tension in that moment, picture Kirk looking at a girl like that. Yeah, NOW it make sense, doesn't it? There's no other possible explanation for that particular expression, and there's also no other explanation for Spock's expression afterwards. It's called FLIRTING, and they did it. AGAIN. Look at the scene! It's clear as day, serious as a heart attack, and other overused metaphors. KIRK, is flirting with SPOCK, and Spock not only understood, but ACCEPTED THE MOVE._

_The fact that Spock looked away the way he did is a biggie, too. With Spock, since facial expressions are often verrrrry limited and/or nonexistent, it all comes down to his eyes. Moving your eyes becomes a gesture in and of itself when you're on camera, that's just a rule of film acting, but the meaning doubles with a character like Spock. His eye movements strongly suggest that he's intrigued, curious…INTERESTED. And it happened right in front of you.)))_

Kirk gives a few more orders, rubs his eyes again, and leaves the bridge with McCoy. On the way to his quarters McCoy voices his concern about Bailey.

_(((FINALLY, somebody said something.)))_

McCoy is worried that Kirk promoted Bailey too soon but Kik thinks he'll cut it. They have a pretty snarky conversation, but it's not like with Spock. These guys are just friends. Not once does Kirk grin or smile with that particular look in his eyes. These guys, ladies and gents, are buds.

In Kirk's quarters, McCoy and Kirk have a drink and chit chat.

Kirk's relaxed until the Yeoman comes in with a tray.

Now this Yeoman Rand is a pretty blonde who's bringing Kirk food. Surely there are fireworks, heavenly music, and Kirk promptly ravishes her on the spot, yes?

No.

Here's what we see Kirk do the moment Rand enters: He throws a very annoyed look at McCoy. He's not happy about seeing Rand in the slightest, as he's about to prove. Ran sets down Kirk's food in front of him and uncovers it. Kirk takes one look at it and isn't happy.

"What the devil is this?" Kirk asks, examining the food, "Green leaves?"

"Dietary salad, sir," Rand replies, "Dr. McCoy ordered your diet card changed."

McCoy explains, "You're weight was up a couple of pounds, remember?"

Rand puts a napkin in Kirk's lap.

"Will you stop hovering over me, Yeoman?" he asks in an agitated tone.

"Well I'll change it if you don't like it, sir," she offers.

Kirk is clearly  _very_  annoyed with Rand in general. McCoy just watches the whole thing go down with a mild sense of amazement. Rand leaves, and Kirk instantly comments.

"When I get my hands on the headquarters genius that assigned me a female Yeoman…" Kirk swears as he eats his food.

"What's the matter, Jim?" McCoy teases, "Don't you trust yourself?"

Kirk literally shoots him a  _Are you fucking serious?_  Look then says, "I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise."

_(((My my MY, Captain Kirk, I would think someone with such a heartbreaker/playboy reputation would LOVE a pretty girl waiting on him hand and foot. But no, apparently you want a guy to do it. The mind. It's reeling.)))_

Kirk's gets word from Spock that another object is approaching, and this one is much larger. Kirk gets to the bridge just before it comes into view and FUCK does it come into view. This thing ENORMOUS, it dwarfs the Enterprise a thousand times over.

Behold! Spock's first "Fascinating."

Kirk asks for a full viewing of the thing. Bailey hesitates again, this time to the point where Sulu has to reach across and do it for him.

They make contact, and a big, kind of robotic, definitely monotone sounding voice tells them that, since they blew up the warning buoy, they are being treated as 'dangerous.'

_(((Hey hey, Spock was right!)))_

Kirk tries to talk back, but everything on the bridge starts to short out and the voice says "No further communication will be accepted."

_(((Translation: STFU.)))_

Voice: "If there is the slightest move, your vessel will be destroyed immediately."

Kirk orders that a recorder marker is dispatched to get this all on tape.

Bailey hesitates AGAIN, in awe of what's happening. Kirk has to walk up to him and say his name to get him to do what he's told.

_(((Somebody smack the kid. Plllleeeaaassseeee?)))_

Suddenly there's an electrical explosion outside of the ship and everyone goes bouncing around from the impact. The voice soon explains.

Voice: "Your recorder marker has been destroyed. You have been examined. Your ship must be destroyed. We make assumption you have a deity, or deities, or some such beliefs which comfort you. We therefore grant you ten Earth time periods known as minutes to make preparations."

_(((Not gonna lie, this disembodied voice is hilarious.)))_

Kirk speaks to the crew to make sure they stay calm (and he does this very well), then he speaks to the UFO with an authoritative tone.

Kirk: "This is the captain of the USS Enterprise. We came seeking friendship, but we have no wish to trespass. To demonstrate our goodwill, our vessel will now return the way it came."

_(((Translation: "Oh I'm sorry was this YOUR space? My bad, we'll just GTFO. Don't mind us. Love youuuu.")))_

The Voice's response? The worst case of feedback I've ever heard. Kirk gives Bailey an order, and Bailey is too dumbstruck to obey A. G. A. I. N.

Sulu does Bailey's job for him, A. G. A. I. N.

They try to leave, but the engines are stone dead.

At last, they get a visual on who the hell has been talking to them. It's a rather hi-larious looking alien that mechanically reminds them they have 8 minutes left before they die.

Bailey's decides that now would be a good time to go bat shit insane.

Kirk relieves Bailey of duty and orders him to his room.

_(((FINALLY. GAWD.)))_

Kirk tries talking sense to the alien again, and again he gets Feedback of Death.

Voice: "You now have seven minutes left."

Aaaaand commercial.

Aaaaaand back from commercial. Sulu announces that they have a little over four minutes now. Joy of joys.

Kirk and Spock take a little walk around the bridge together.

_(((They've only got four minutes left to live, why not have a stroll?)))_

Kirk: "There must be something we can do. Something we overlooked."

Spock: "Chess. When one is out-matched the game is over. Checkmate."

_(((Gee, THANKS.)))_

_(((What follows next is actually very interesting.)))_

"Is that your best recommendation?" Kirk asks with short sarcasm.

Spock looks down, dejected, "I'm s-" he begins, but then stops. He takes a moment, steadies himself, and says, "I regret that I can find no other logical alternative."

Kirk looks at him for a moment, then quickly turns away and leaves. Spock then exhales and looks down, clearly  _torn apart._

_(((Spock doesn't have any kind of answer or advice for Kirk, and it's ripping him apart inside. Watch the clip, it's right there. This is more an insight into Spock than anything else. He feels like shit that he just can't help. I just wanna hug him. =( )))_

Since they're all gonna die in four minutes anyway, McCoy decides that now is a good time to rag on Kirk about Bailey. A snipefest ensues.

McCoy: "About Bailey. Let me enter it in my medical records as someone with fatigue."

Kirk: "That's my decision, doctor."

McCoy: "It was your mistake. You overworked him, you pushed him, you expected too much out of him."

Kirk: "I'm ordering you to drop it. No time for you, your theories, your quaint philosophies."

McCoy: "I intend to challenge your actions in the medical records. I'll state that I warned you about Bailey's condition. That's no bluff."

Kirk: "ANYTIME YOU BLUFF ME, DOCTOR-"

Kirk gets himself back in control. Then the ever so lovely Voice chimes in.

Voice: "Three minutes."

Kirk (now relatively calm): "Alright, doctor. Let's hope we have time to argue about it."

McCoy retreats, and after a moment the little lightbulb in Kirk's head goes off.

Kirk: "Not chess, Mr. Spock. Poker."

Kirk has Uhura hail the ship. He sits back in his chair as he says to the alien with exceptional ease and total confidence, "This is the captain of the Enterprise. Our respect for other lifeforms requires that we give you this warning."

Everyone looks at each other with proper WTF expressions.

Kirk: "One critical item of information that has never been incorporated into the memory banks of any Earth ship. Since the early years of space exploration, Earth vessels have had incorporated into them a substance known as…Corbomite. It is a material and a device which prevents attack on us. Any destructive energy touches our vessel there is a reverse reation of equal strength created, destroying-"

Voice: "YOU NOW HAVE TWO MINUTES."

Kirk: "Destroying the attacker! It may interest you to know that, since the initial use of Corbomite more than two of our centuries ago, no attacking vessel has survived the attempt. Death has little meaning to us. If it has none to you, then attack us now. We grow annoyed at your foolishness."

_(((One word: CAJONES. Kirk has some serious, serious CAJONES. Where did Kirk get Corbomite, you ask? HIS ASS. He pulled it right out of his ass and he did so with brilliant command. Must love Kirk.)))_

Tense silence. Spock approaches Kirk's side and shakes his head, but honors the valiant attempt. He then goes on to make a comment about how this alien reminds him of his father. When Scotty says he feels bad for Spock's mother then, Spock assures him that his mother considered herself to be a very fortunate Earth woman.  _This gets yet another grinning, sparkly-eyed look from Kirk_.

_(((That's right, Kirk is at it again. Right after Spock says that, Kirk is looking right at Spock with a stare verrry similar to the one he gave him earlier. How all of this flew over the heads of people in the 60s is beyond me. We're only on the second episode, for chrissake!)))_

McCoy approaches Kirk and apologizes for being a jerk earlier. Yay. =D

Silence. Intensity. More silence. More intensity. Bailey pops in with thirty seconds left and asks for permission to return to post. Kirk allows him.

_(((If they didn't only have thirty seconds to live you can bet your life that Kirk would have turned him down flat. But eh, he's a softie that way.)))_

The next thing you know, times up.

The Enterprise explodes.

They all die.

/end Star Trek

….oh come on, you know nothing happens.

When they're still alive after the clock runs out, they all look at each other like this: o.O

Then everyone breathes a collective sigh of Oh-thank-fuck-we-didn't-die.

_(((My sincere thanks to_ **lemon drop seven** _for pointing out this delectable little tidbit that follows.)))_

Spock is standing a little off to the right of Kirk's chair.

Spock: "Interesting game, this poker."

_(((This is one of the million lines in TOS that looks plain as day on the page, but what Spock does during the line is where the real fun is._

_What does Spock, do you ask?_

_Why he says this line with a sly little smile as he looks Kirk's way, of course. It's a very slinky look, indeed._

_Well the ever chick-nailer Kirk must completely ignore this, yes? NEIN! He's got his own sly little look going on, and not towards a chick, towards Mr. Spock himself._

_This, boys and girls, is called eyesex. It's often the lynch pin of relationships that have sexual tension, because it's incredible when it's done properly. Kirk and Spock do it properly. A LOT.)))_

The voice speaks up and breaks up the remarkable, sexually tense moment.

_(((And no, I'm not exaggerating. I don't know how I missed this, it's positively delicious. And right in front of the crew! For SHAME.)))_

Voice: "THIS IS THE COMMANDER OF THE FESARIUS."

Kirk: "Here it comes. Is it raise or call?"

Voice: "THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR VESSEL…HAS BEEN DELAYED."

_(((Best. Line. Ever.)))_

Voice: "WE WILL RELENT IN YOUR DESTRUCTION ONLY IF WE HAVE PROOF OF YOUR CORBOMITE DEVICE."

Kirk lets the alien sweat for a change, then says "Request denied."

_(((Translation: GET. BENT.)))_

_(((I love this whole part because you can totally tell that Kirk is having more fun than a kid at Disneyland. Fuck adventure, this is where Kirk really gets his jollies. As has been proven, he's an intellectual.)))_

The alien responds by sending out a small ship and claims that it's just as badass as the main ship. The smaller ship starts dragging the Enterprise along in it's tractor beam, intending to take them to a planet where they can live so the ship can be destroyed. Kirk orders for Sulu to try and break away from the tractor beam, and he does. Huzzah!

The strain of the breakaway cripples the aliens ship and, Kirk being the stand up guy that he is, offers the alien some help. Kirk is invited aboard, and takes McCoy and (to everyone's surprise) Bailey. Kirk says that he owes Bailey a chance to see the face of the unknown.

_(((Awww, he feels bad for pushing the kid too hard. What a softie.)))_

What happens is a tad bit interesting. Bwehehe.

After Kirk establishes who will be coming with him, Spock speaks up.

Spock: "Captain I request permission to-"

Kirk: "Denied. If I'm wrong and it's a trap, I want you here."

_(((Even bigger AWWWW. Kirk wants to keep Spock out of danger. Sure, we know that if things go to shit losing one capable of commanding is better than losing two, but it's just the way Kirk said it and the words he chose. It's sweet. Deal with it.)))_

_(((Also note Spock's eye movement after Kirk says it.)))_

Long story short: They beam aboard the ship and find out that the incredibly fake looking alien they've been talking IS a fake alien, and the real alien is a humanoid with the body of a child and the voice of middle aged smoker. He really wasn't threatening them at all, he was just testing. His name is Baylock.

_(((An alien that was just testing the crew? They better get used to that.)))_

Baylock wants to spend some time with another life form, sort of a "meeting of the cultures." Kirk recommends Bailey, who accepts.

_(((I know what you're thinking: Kirk recommended Bailey so he could get rid of a bad officer. Actually, Kirk knows that the learning experience will be good for Bailey (and give him some time to mature as well) and that's why he recommends him.)))_

Thus endeth The Corbomite Maneuver.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Times Kirk loses/rips/has no shirt - 2


	3. 1x03 Mudd's Women

**Season One, Episode Three: Mudd's Women**

We drop in on the Enterprise chasing after an unidentified vessel. The vessel is pretty small and has to push its engines to keep up the chase. It can't be a Starfleet ship 'cause they're not getting any registration info, and they're ignoring Uhura's attempts at making contact. Basically, whatever is running knows it's running.

The Enterprise is led into an asteroid belt so Kirk has the deflectors powered up. Spock finds out that it's just a small Class J cargo ship and its engines are super heating. Kirk starts to tell Uhura to warn the other ship about their engines…

_(((Good ol' Kirk, such a gentleman.)))_

…but he's too late. The cargo ship's engines blow and the ship is adrift, which means it's a sitting duck for any asteroid that feels like hitting it. The Enterprise could help but projecting a deflector shield but, alas, if they do that at this distance they'll overload their own engines.

_(((Muy, muy fucked.)))_

Nevertheless, Kirk orders to project a deflector shield anyway so they can have some time to get close enough to beam everyone aboard.

_(((Chivalry ain't dead, folks.)))_

The Enterprise's own engines are starting to overheat, and the lights on the bridge flicker out for a second. One of the ship's dilithium crystals (what powers the ship) busted. A few seconds later another one busts.

Spock and Scotty (with McCoy watching for some reason) are able to beam someone aboard then, and we meet a big guy in a puffy coral shirt with blue pants.

_(((Fashion. It escapes him.)))_

The man introduces himself, in a jaunty Irish accent, as Leo Walsh. He says he has 'just a few' other crewmembers. Just before the other members are beamed aboard, yet another dilithium crystal dies. Fun.

The other crewmembers are beamed aboard, and they just so happen to be three drop dead gorgeous women in three incredibly glittery dresses.

Cut to a shot of Scotty, Spock and McCoy.

Scotty's eyes are smitten, he's on cloud nine.

McCoy is just as fixated.

Spock is looking at both of them, wondering what the heck the big deal is.

Scotty makes eye contact with one of them, he's moved.

McCoy makes eye contact with one of them, he's moved.

Spock crosses his arms and looks both absolutely clueless and mildly disgusted.

_(((This seriously happens. It's obvious that Spock just *can't* understand what the big deal is. Oh look at that mind, it's reeling again.)))_

Kirk calls from the bridge and orders everyone to his quarters for a meet n' greet. The women leave. Scotty and McCoy are still mesmerized.

As the women make their way to Kirk's quarters, all of the men turn their heads.

The three women, Walsh, and Spock get into the elevator, Wash says something worth examining:

Walsh (to Spock): "You're part Vulcanian, aren't you? Oh well then, a pretty face doesn't affect you at all, does it? Not unless you want it to."

_(((Well HAWT DAYUM. We just got another piece of info about Vulcans._

_So Spock doesn't want to be affected by women, but has clearly been affected by Kirk (as we have already seen in previous episodes.)_

_Gee, I WONDER what that might MEAN.)))_

Well the gang finally gets to Kirk's room, where he's waiting. He turns around and gets slapped in the face with three heavy doses of sensual femininity. He's stunned.

_(((But not really drooling at the mouth. He's more surprised that, instead of three regular crewmembers, he got three beauty queens. I'd be surprised too.)))_

Kirk asks who the women are, and Walsh answers "This…is me cargo."

Kirk is taken back by the use of the word 'cargo.'

We come back from commercial to a Captain's Log.

Kirk: "We've taken aboard, from unregistered transport vessel, it's captain and three unusual females. These women have a mysterious, magnetic affect on the male members of my crew…including myself. Explanation unknown at present.

_(((Really, Kirk? You can't seem to figure that one out? Does the notion of being drawn to a woman simply escape you? You dated women in your Academy days, you should at least be able to remember THAT.)))_

While we're listening to the voice over, the women are leaving Kirk's quarters and they pass by Spock as they do so. When they're gone, Spock looks at Kirk, shrugs with an "Eh, whatever" expression that's actually quite adorable, and follows them out.

Walsh tries to make his whole escape attempt look like nothing, but Kirk wasn't made a Starfleet Captain yesterday. He tells Walsh that there will be a hearing to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is going on. As Walsh leaves, Kirk smiles slightly at the man's back.

_(((WTF, Kirk? I can't figure that smile out. Surely he's not into Walsh…we know he doesn't find the notion of women as cargo charming or humorous…maybe he's just amused by Walsh himself? Walsh did make trying to save his ass look pretty amusing. Maybe that's it. Not sure.)))_

Meanwhile, Spock is in command of the bridge and there's a problem brewing. There's only one working dilithium crystal left and even that is cracked. Spock calls Kirk to the bridge.

Cut to Walsh rejoining his 'cargo' in a conference room with two guards watching over them. The women start calling him 'Harry' and he's quick to hush them up. He's obviously trying to talk carefully with the guards present, and he tells them about the hearing and to tell the truth and blah blah blah.

Cut to Kirk arriving at the bridge. He joins in on a pow wow already in progress between Scotty and Spock. Long story short: They've only got one dilithium crystal left and it won't last long. They talk in circles for a minute, then this happens:

Spock states the facts simply, saying, "And that crystal won't hold up. Not with putting all our power through.

"Well, Mr. Spock?" Kirk asks with a tilted head and a lilting tone.

_(((Okay boys, you're both grown adults. Nine times out of ten you can tell the difference between work time and play time, but Kirk! Shame on you! Blatantly flirting with your first officer in the middle of a life or death conversation?! Shame! Shaaaaaame!_

_I'm completely serious by the way, Kirk does nothing to hide his tone or expression. I'm not exaggerating, it's right there for all the world to see.)))_

Spock: "There's a lithium mining operation on Rygell 12. High grade ore, I've heard."

Kirk thinks Rygell 12 sounds like a great idea and has Spock plot a course.

Cut to Walsh's hearing. Kirk states in a Captain's log voice over that he's becoming concerned about the magnetic affect the women are having on the men.

_(((Note the 'magnetic affect' bit. This isn't the first time they've been described as particularly alluring, which means they're obviously way above the average dame.)))_

The three lovely women, Spock, Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Walsh and some random dude are all in the conference room. Spock is operating a lie detector that detects falsehoods by the sound of the person's voice.

_(((Why they don't use it way more often is beyond me. That's a pretty nifty thing to have.)))_

Spock tells Walsh to state his name, he does so, and the computer instantly chirps that he's "incorrect." We come to find out that Walsh's name is actually Harry Mudd, and he drops the accent. During the hearing we find out the following: Harry has a list of illegal offenses as long as my leg and he doesn't have the masters' license required to captain a ship.

While Harry is trying to talk his way out of some serious consequences, we see the lovely ladies make eye contact with McCoy and Scotty, who are considerably affected.

_(((The brunette's "sexy" face reminds me more of a "stink eye" face. Hi-larious.)))_

Harry finally reveals what he does for a living: He recruits wives for settlers.

_(((How charming. That would explain the trio of Evening Gown Barbie dolls.)))_

Kirk has Spock look up info on the women, and no data comes up. Then Kirk has the censor probe look for abnormal readings. The computer reports that the women are normal, but some of the men have elevated blood pressure, high respiration, etc.

_(((Translation: Scotty, McCoy and the random dude are hot and bothered over the women._

… _.Spock and Kirk? Not so much. No really, they're not.)))_

Mudd starts introducing the women.

_(((ZOMG they have names?!)))_

The stink eye chick is Ruthie, the short haired blonde is Manda, and the other blonde in pink is…well we don't find out right this second. She starts going on about how crappy life was on her (and the other girls') planets, which is why they volunteered for Mudd. Harry finally shuts her up with a "Fine Evie, fine," so we can learn her name…which is apparently Evie.

Harry's defense for not having a license and evading a Starfleet vessel?

Harry: "Only Heaven's own truth, which I have just given you."

Kirk and Spock trade "yeah, right" looks with each other, and the hearing ends.

_(((The look isn't particularly slashy, it's just a good moment.)))_

Thus endeth the hearing. Kirk says that Mudd will be handed off to the authorities as soon as possible. They all start to leave, but Evie gets upset and goes to Kirk, pleading and asking about what will happen to her and the other girls. Kirk is in the middle of asking her to stop when the last dilithium crystal busts.

_(((Those aching for some hot hetero action will be disappointed, the moment when Evie gets upset doesn't hint at romance at all. She's getting emotional, he's not affected in any kind of heart-wrenching way.)))_

As Kirk is updated on the ship, Evie is still pawing at him. He tells her to stop (politely) and leaves.

_(((Wow, it must be love…::cough::)))_

Mudd overhears that Kirk is planning on stopping by a lithium mine, and he gets the fabulous idea to sell his 'brides' to some lonely, rich miners and, oh yeah, take over the Enterprise in the process.

When we come back from commercial we hear from Kirk's Captain's log voice over that they need a dilithium crystal like NOW, and the women's effect is still unexplained.

_(((Okay seriously, why is it so hard for him to grasp that pretty women attract men? What does he not understand? I mean come on, Spock's prettiness attracts him, same thing! Heh.)))_

The stink eye brunette, er, I mean Ruthie enters sickbay and starts hitting on McCoy. As she's seducing him she passes by the life support panel and starts blinking oddly and make weird noises. This makes McCoy curious, but Ruthie ignores it. She's way too caught up in the whole 'I have to be sexy now' routine. McCoy buys it hook line and sinker, but he's still puzzled over the panel's reaction.

Cut to Kirk entering his quarters to find Evie laying on his bed.

_(((Hey Evie, slut much?_

_My oh my, however will the red blooded, straight as an arrow Kirk handle this?)))_

Kirk is understandably surprised at Evie's presence.

Evie: "I hope you don't mind."

Kirk (glancing at the door): "As a matter of fact, Ms. McHuron, I do."

_(((Oh Kirk, you sly little minx, how can she resist a come on like THAT?_

_And hey, when did Blondie McBigLips get a last name?)))_

Evie's laaaaame excuse for her presence is as follows:

Evie: "I was trying to take a walk and I just had to run in someplace. You see, all your men were looking at me. Following me with their eyes."

Kirk: "Yes…I'll have to talk to them about that."

_(((He's totally horny now. And by "horny," I mean "wary and a little confused.")))_

Kirk laughs awkwardly.

Kirk: "They don't do that ordinarily, Ms. McHuron. Somehow in your case, and the ladies with you, uh…"

_(((Good lord does he STILL not understand that attractive women are attractive?)))_

Evie amps up the sexy and gets a little closer to him.

Evie: "Probably just lonely. I can understand loneliness."

_(((But can you understand basic arithmetic?)))_

Kirk: "Yes…"

For this moment he's kind of in awe, like he's in a trance. The he snaps out of it and walks away from her.

Kirk: "Yes, uh, now Ms. McHuron if you don't mind…"

_(((This is the second time he's rejected her now.)))_

Evie doesn't give up that easily. She stays near him and actually gets close.

Evie (trying a different approach): "I suppose you understand it even more. I mean, having to run a huge ship like this with so much…"

_(((Come on, honey…starts with an R…has a bunch of confuzzling syllables…you can do it…)))_

Evie: "…responsibility…"

_(((Good girl!)))_

Evie: "…every minute, and having to be so careful about all the men looking up to you."

Kirk: "Well it probably appears more difficult than it is."

_(((Now she's starting to win him over. He's smiling as he talks now, which is how he flirts. And what with all the shoulder and ego stroking it's no wonder. Keep in mind that these chicks have a little something extra. This ain't no ordinary dame.)))_

Evie: "I read once that a commander has to act like a paragon of virtue. I never met a paragon."

_(((She reads!?)))_

Kirk: "Neither have I."

Evie: "Well of course not, no one is. But some people try to pretend."

Kirk has snapped out of her charms now, and is uncomfortable.

Kirk: "Um…"

Evie: "Do you…captain?"

Evie goes in for the kill. Kirk stiffens his back tries to pull away from her.

Kirk: "Ms. McHuron, I don't-"

_(((…like girls anymore. We know, Kirk. We know._

_No really, if he's such a Straightie McStraight Straight, what is his problem? Why doesn't he just seal the deal and pork the chick? Considering later episodes I can't call him gay, but he sure as crap behaves like a bisexual with a lean toward men._

_And even though I can't call him gay because of canon, I CAN say that he was originally intended as a gay character with evidence to back me up…but now's not the time. Kirk is trying to writhe out of a pretty lady's grasp…again.)))_

Evie suddenly drops the act and moves away.

Evie sighs with exasperation as she says, "Oh, I just can't do it, I don't care what Harry Mudd says. I do like you, I just can't go through with it. I hate this whole thing!"

She leaves his quarters, accompanied by a dramatic swell of music, and Kirk just stands there, stunned and confused.

_(((And I bet a little relieved, but that's just speculation on my part._

_Well, that does it for the "big romantic scene" with the Dame of the Hour. Curious, isn't it?)))_

Cut to Mudd, Ruthie and Manda talking about the miners. Manda found out that they're super rich and have been all by their onesies for three years. All in all, a goldmine. The girls bring up how Mudd is trapped, and won't be able to get down the surface to make a deal. Mudd isn't worried, since Evie is supposed to be working on that right-

Evie enters then, and gets all dramatic on their asses.

She's not feeling too good, and comments that "it must be time."

Cut to Kirk on the bridge, dutifully chiding his men for having to repeat an order twice. We are supposed to get that the men are slow because they're so distracted by the women. As Kirk passes behind them to get to McCoy, he mutters "Ridiculous."

He then has this little convo with McCoy:

Kirk: "Did you examine her? Did you examine Eve?"

McCoy: "She refused."

Kirk: "Well come on, you're the doctor." Pause. "What is it? Is it that we're tired, and they're beautiful? They are incredibly beautiful."

_(((CHRIST ON A SPIKE, FOR THE LAST TIME: PRETTY GIRLS = SEXUAL APPEAL, AT LEAST FOR STRAIGHT GUYS AND LESBIANS.)))_

McCoy: "Are they Jim?"

At this point we see that Spock is eavesdropping.

McCoy: "Are they actually more lovely, pound for pound, measure for measure, than any other women you've known? Or is it that they just, well, act beautiful? No, strike that, strike that."

We get another shot of Spock, he seems interested, but also that he's trying to understand their behavior. He's basically observing them.

Kirk: "What are they, Bones?"

McCoy: "You mean, are they alien illusions, that sort of thing?"

Kirk: "I asked you first."

McCoy: "No, an alien smart enough to cause this would be smart enough to keep my scanner from going 'bleep.'"

Kirk: "I don't follow you."

McCoy: "I don't either."

_(((Um…quoi?)))_

Cut to Manda giving Mudd a communicator she stole. Mudd uses it to contact Rygell 12 and starts talking to someone, but we don't hear the conversation.

Cut to Kirk on the bridge. The Enterprise is now in Rygell 12's orbit.

Cut to Mudd's room. Suddenly, Ruthie ain't so pretty anymore. She's scared, crying, has messy hair and lines in her face. Mudd is frantically searching for something. Manda's all fucked up now too. She looks haggard, like she hasn't slept in ten years. Uh oh, Evie's the same way.

Evie: "You'll never find them, Harry. And even if you do, you know what they are. A cheat."

_(((A cheat? What's a cheat? What? WHAT?!)))_

Evie: "If you care for someone…really care…"

Mudd: "For whom, Evie? Kirk? You'll find out that ship's captains are already married, girl. To their vessels. You'd find out the first time you came between him and the ship. You'll see."

_(((This is a verrrrrry important statement, though not because of this episode per se. It's repeatedly stated that a captain is married to his ship, it's even said to and by Kirk on more than one occasion. Over the course of the series it's practically drilled into our brains there's nothing higher in importance than a captain's ship. This is significant because of the third Star Trek movie. What happens in the third Star Trek movie? Kirk sacrifices the ship to bring Spock back to life._

…

…

_EXACTLY.)))_

Ruthie: "I'm going back to what I was: Ugly!"

Manda: "I can't stand myself like this!"

Mudd finally finds what he was looking for: pills. Ruthie and Manda quickly take some and are soon beautiful and (for some reason) groping their bodies. Evie is reluctant, she's feeling rotten about the whole thing, and the scene changes before we see if she takes them or not.

Cut to Spock in the captain's quarters, sitting across from Kirk and holding a burned dilithium crystal in his hand.

Spock: "Even burned and cracked, they're beautiful. Destroying them was a shame."

Spock hands the crystal to Kirk, their hands touch.

Kirk: "Not at all, Mr. Spock, the choice was burning this lithium crystal or the destruction of another man's ship."

_(((Is this moment slashy? Nah. It just makes me smile to see them touch, and this is my analyzation/commentary. Deal with it. =P)))_

Two of the miners from Rygell 12 enter and get right down to business. Kirk needs dilithium crystals and has money, the miners have dilithium crystals, what could possibly go wrong?

They say they want to swap. Crystals…for Mudd's women.

_(((And we have a title! ::Throws confetti::)))_

Spock sits down in a very "I'm not even gonna touch this one" kind of way, and Kirk laughs. His humor vanishes instantly when he realizes that the miners are serious: No women, no deal.

_(((This is actually a lovely little acting bit on Shatner's part. We can all see his thought process as this is happening to him. It sounds simple to pull off, but it's not.)))_

Kirk, being the upstanding man that he is, refuses.

_(((And yes, Kirk IS an upstanding man. He's damn near an idyllic hero, actually. He's also NOT a womanizer, but that's another argument.)))_

Mudd and the women come in then, and Mudd is quick to make best friends with the miners (the women are quick too). Kirk sees that the miners are enjoying the women and he quickly repeats that there's no deal.

Then the lights dim, and Spock tells Kirk that they must be at the reserved power, which means they're power is at 50% and Mudd mentions that they have three days until the Enterprise wont be able to maintain orbit.

We come back from commercial to find Mudd, Kirk and Spock beaming down to Rygell 12 to get the crystals. They enter a bar where the women are getting cozy with each of their miners. Kirk tells Childress that he'll make the deal, but Childress is too busy with Evie to make a deal at this moment.

Childress tosses some laaaaaame lines at Evie about the dusty wind, who's not buyin' anything the guy is selling. He asks her to dance, and she starts coughing. She says no, that she's not feeling well. Childress seems to take this in stride and starts dancing with Ruthie (cutting in on another miner) which seems to hurt Evie's feelings. It soon turns into a fight over Ruthie, and Evie runs out of the bar yelling, "Why don't you have a raffle and the loser gets me?!"

_(((Uuuuuuhhhhhhh….what? Evie, babe, you rejected the guy and he moved on to another chick…why exactly do you feel ugly and unwanted? Pssh, women. No wonder Kirk isn't into them so much anymore._

… _.couldn't resist.)))_

Evie goes running off into the incredibly dangerous sandstorm like an idiot, and Kirk chases after her.

_(((He does this because he has a hot, romantic passion. And by "hot, romantic passion" I mean "a soul." He also knows that if he only trades two women, he'll only get two crystals.)))_

Cut to later, Kirk, Spock and Mudd are back on the ship. The ship's instruments are having a hard time finding Evie in the magnetic sandstorm. They've only got five hours left and things are getting down to the wire.

Cut to Childress, with an unconscious Evie in his arms, carrying her into his home. Apparently he was the one to find her.

Cut back to the ship. Now they only have fort five minutes of power (alas!) and they're still looking. The ship's instruments finally find a blip of heat in Childress' home.

Cut to Childress' home, where Evie is up and making food, which Childress doesn't appreciate it much. They fight like stubborn fools, and a little later she's starting to look haggard again. Kirk and Mudd show up and Kirk orders that Mudd tell Childress (and the audience) the truth.

Kirk drops the name 'Venus drug' and Mudd explains that it gives you more of what you have (men more muscles, women more feminity, etc). Childress starts complaining about the wife he wants and deserves, and Evie decides to finally explode and tell Childress (and the audience) one of the points of this episode.

"You don't want wives," he says, "You want this." She grabs the pills from Mudd's hand and holds them in front of Childress as she continues with, "This is what you want, Mr. Childress, and I hope you remember it and dream about it because you can't have it. It's not real!"

_(((Point #1: There is no such thing as the perfect woman/wife._

_This might seem really boring to us now, but back in 1966 a message like that was pretty bold.)))_

Then, for some reason, she takes the pills and soon morphs into a killer beauty again.

_(((Apparently the pills are hairdressers and make up artists too, 'cause now she's got eyeshadow and an up do. Yay 60s.)))_

"Quite a woman, isn't she?" Kirk asks Childress.

_(((The way Kirk's line is delivered does not suggest that he's dumbstruck by her beauty. He's asking Childress in order to make a point. It's all business.)))_

Childress: "But fake. Pumped up by a drug."

Kirk: "By herself. She took no drug."

Evie: "I swallowed it."

Kirk: "Colored gelatin."

Mudd: "They took away my drug and substituted that."

Evie: "But that can't be!"

Kirk: "There's only one kind of woman."

Mudd: "Or man, for that matter."

Kirk: "You either believe in yourself or you don't."

_(((Okay, couple things. First, this bit of dialogue isn't_ quite _as hokey as it looks on the page._   _Second, believing that the Venus drug did her hair and make up was crazy enough, but now we're supposed to believe that the job was done by colored gelatin and self esteem? Yay 60s._

_I do appreciate Point #2 of this episode, though, as stated by Kirk. It sent a message about inner beauty and confidence to the girls and women in 1966 and I can certainly appreciate that. They also did it in a creative way, so bonus points for that as well.)))_

Now that the messages of the episode have been delivered, Kirk can get back down to business. He asks Childress if they have a deal or not, and Childress says they do (crystals for money). But then, to our surprise, he says he wants Evie to stay for the day at least. The following dialogue happens:

Kirk: "Eve?"

Evie: "You've got someone up there…called the Enterprise."

_(((Well she never was the brightest star in the sky, and this proves it. When Kirk says her name, he doesn't have a hint of a love sick 'but don't you want to be with me?' expression on his face. From his expression we're meant to gather that he's asking her if she wants to stay of her own free will 'cause he, you know, has a soul and he's an upstanding guy and shit._

_She's been acting pretty delusional about Kirk the whole episode (they never kissed, they never did anything, the MOST they did was flirt a SMIDGE when she was pumped up by DRUGS, so this isn't really a surprise._

_That reminds me of another point: Yes, in the earlier scene with Evie Kirk does eventually flirt a little before ultimately pulling away, but keep in mind that was chemically enhanced. Hardly a fair fight. And if that's not a good enough reason for you (though it should be), that's why my theory involves bisexuality.)))_

Well it's the end of the episode, nothing else interesting could possibly happen, yes? NEIN!

Back on bridge of the Enterprise, this little scene takes place:

Kirk is sitting in the captain's chair, and McCoy is standing at his side.

McCoy: "That must have been quite a talk you made down there. Ever try considering the patent medicine business?"

Kirk: "Why should I work your side of the street?"

Spock comes over and hands Kirk a report for him to sign.

Spock: "I'm happy the affair is over. A most annoying, emotional episode."

McCoy (pounding his chest): "Smack right in the old heart. Oh I'm sorry, in your case it would be…" he pounds his side, "…about here."

Spock: "The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, doctor, pleases me no end."

_(((SPOCK BURN! Love him.)))_

Kirk hands the report back to Spock, amused, and Spock goes back to his station. As the camera is pulling out and Kirk is looking straight ahead, we see his eyes suddenly cast downwards as his thoughts deepen, then around the bridge, then he blatantly looks over in Spock's direction (although Spock is still off screen) and keeps looking for a few seconds.

_(((Now this is pretty doggone interesting and deserves close examination. Again, I have to compliment Shatner for his acting. He's damn good at thinking on camera which, again, isn't as easy as it may seem. The moment from when he looks ahead to when he stops looking at Spock takes all of ten seconds so it happens pretty quickly, but look at it. Here are the facts of the moment, beat by beat:_

_Beat 1: Spock's joke lands. Kirk hands back the report with inner amusement, then looks down._

_Beat 2: Kirk looks at McCoy, still enjoying the humor of the moment._

_Beat 3: Kirk looks at the front of the ship, still enjoying the humor._

_Beat 4: Kirk looks down for a moment, his thoughts have changed slightly. His eyes flutter about the bridge_

_Beat 5: Kirk deliberately looks over in Spock's direction and holds the stare for (give or take) three seconds._

_Beat 6: Kirk looks back to the front of the ship._

_If it wasn't for Beat 4, we'd be left to infer that Kirk was still enjoying the joke and looking over at Spock in a 'oh what a clever Vulcan' kind of way. But Beat 4 is there. He's not thinking about the joke anymore. Here is my pure speculation as an actor/writer as to what was going through his mind:_

_Beat 1: The joke Spock made_

_Beat 2: The joke Spock made_

_Beat 3: The joke Spock made_

_Beat 4: Spock_

_Beat 5: Spock_

_When I look at beats 4 and 5, I see a man thinking about something intimate. The idea of him and Spock is literally crossing his mind. Think about it: What other explanation is there? You can't just ignore Beat 4, so you can't say he's still enjoying the humor. You also can't say that this moment means nothing because this is exactly the kind of thing actors are supposed to look for and create. Look at the stills for Beat 3 and Beat 4, you simply can't tell me that there isn't a change, and given the moment as a whole you also can't tell me that he wasn't thinking about Spock.)))_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Times Kirk resists/ignores a pretty woman when he has no reason to - 2


	4. 1x04 The Enemy Within

**Episode Four: The Enemy Within**

This episodes doesn't waste any time starting up. Kirk, Sulu and co. are exploring a strange planet creatively named Planet 177. Their life threatening mission is to "collect samples."

_(((Sulu is holding the most hi-larious "alien being" ever conceived: It's a dog in a costume fit for a muppet. I hope that poor animal got paid extra for the humiliation. It even has a horn coming out of its head. Greatness.)))_

Kirk makes a comment about the planet getting to 120 degrees below zero at night, and right then a random crewman is caught in a very minor landslide. He got covered in a yellow 'dust' and cut his hand pretty badly so Kirk tells him to beam up and get to sickbay.

Scotty beams up the poor kid, but it takes longer than usual. The kid comes through okay and Scotty scans him to figure out what he's covered with. We find it's some 'magnetic ore' and the kid is dismissed to get decontaminated.

_(((Hmmm…a magnetic ore passing through the transporter? Could that be something serious? Something they should properly investigate before reducing anyone else to mere particles and reassembling them in a different location?_

… _nah._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Well now the transporter is all screwed up, and Kirk is ready to get back to the ship. Scotty does his magic and everything looks okay. He beams up Kirk, but this also takes longer than normal. When Kirk finally arrives on the ship, he's a little lightheaded and stumbles down the steps. Still woozy, Scotty escorts him out of the transporter room, leaving it unattended.

But wait, the transporter isn't quite finished yet.

Someone else comes through the transporter, he turns around, and it's…Kirk? But something is obviously wrong, because the dramatic close up, even more dramatic music, and eyeliner under Kirk's eyes says so.

Oh no, title credits!

Coming back from commercial, we're told that a transporter malfunction resulted in an 'alter ego' of Kirk being duplicated.

_(((Before you say "PSSSHHHH no way wheteva dats stoopid lulz," just calm the fuck down. Way crazier shit happens in the Star Trek universe, 'kay? If you can buy alternate universe or time travel or even that zany dog-in-a-costume, you can buy this. Yay fiction.)))_

Evil Kirk takes a long, sinister look around the transporter room. He approaches the controls and touches them in a creepy, obsessive way.

_(((There are times in this episode where Shatner shines, and others where he doesn't. Like when he first turned around as Evil Kirk just before the title credits? Hysterical. When he looks around the room, however, he seems severely unhinged. One of the things that might come off as 'over the top' about Evil Kirk is that he's not as intelligent as Good Kirk, and he's also more animal-like in general. Evil Kirk is a much simpler, much more sinister creature.)))_

Another random crewman enters then, and Kirk is instantly on edge.

_(((The way he turns his head is the first real clue we get that he's more "animal" than anything else…and it's also kinda funny.)))_

The random crewman asks if Kirk is alright, but Evil Kirk just walks past him to get out of the room.

_(((Not before he gives a laugh-inducing look over his shoulder. It's not overly dramatic or "evil," it's just… funny. After that it looks like he scopes out the random crewmember, but he was probably just getting an evil idea.)))_

Cut to Good Kirk arriving at his quarters and thanking Scotty for his help. Scotty recommends a visit to McCoy, and Kirk says he'll go see him.

Kirk enters his quarters and leans up against the doorway, he's still a little weak. His Yeoman, Ms. Rand, is sitting at his desk with a report.

_(((Ooh la la! A cute little blonde is in his room again! We know that there's no issue what-so-ever with members of the crew becoming involved, so Mr. Sleeps-With-Only-Women should have noooo trouble making another notch in that famed bedpost of his.)))_

Rand: "Ship's manifests, sir, I think they're in order now."

Rand hands the report to Kirk.

Kirk: "Thank you, Yeoman."

Rand: "I've checked-"

Kirk: "That's all."

Rand: "Yes, sir."

_(((…well…that was…romantic…::cough::…_

_But really now, what were you expecting? Kirk has made it VERY clear up to this point that he just flat out does not like Rand, and not in a "ooo I love you in that complicated way where I express it with hatred" way. He just don't like the bitch. It's kinda sad though, 'cause she clearly has a thing for him._

_Hmmm…you know, eventually, Spock gets an admirer that he wants nothing to do with either. How…coincidental…)))_

Now we join McCoy and the random crewman who hurt his hand in sickbay. Evil Kirk comes in and demands Sarium (sp?) Brandy. The random crewman is dismissed, and McCoy asks Evil Kirk if anything is wrong.

Evil Kirk grabs McCoy violently by the neck and demands the brandy roughly.

_(((Smoooooth.)))_

McCoy gets him the brandy, Evil Kirk uncorks it, looks at him for a second, and walks away.

_(((It's actually pretty funny. It's very "kthxbai.")))_

Now Evil Kirk is wandering the halls, downing brandy like the madman he is. He sees Rand's room and wanders inside.

Cut to a VERY, VERY interesting scene. Right off the bat we have Kirk half naked with a towel around is neck and stretching a bit. There's a knock at his door and he tells them to come in.

_(((Note that this is like the only time in history that anybody actually KNOCKS before going into someone else's room. Every other time people just barge in. Apparently in the future nobody needs locks on their doors. Yay 60s.)))_

The person comes in…and it's Spock. He looks bewildered and worried and, after he enters, a little uncomfortable.

_(((No really, the famous Mr. I'm-In-Control-of-My-Emotions looks visibly disturbed. This is definitely noteworthy, especially since he's shaken out of concern for Kirk.)_

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock, what is it?"

Spock: "Is there something I can do for you, captain?"

_(((Bow chicka WOWOW._

_How many pornos have started with that line? Srsly._

_He doesn't deliver the line in any particularly "hey big boy" kind of way, but the line itself is pretty darn interesting. The writer chooses words for a reason.)))_

We're treated to a nice shot of half nekkid Kirk.

Kirk: "Like what?"

_(((Well if it didn't sound like a porno before, it sure as shit does NOW.)))_

Spock takes a second to answer, glances down, takes a deep breath. He's fairly breathless for the whole scene, actually.

_(((Gee, I WONDER, why he would be BREATHLESS with a half naked KIRK in the ROOM? EH? EH?)))_

Spock: "Well, Dr. McCoy seems to think that I should check on you."

Kirk: "That's nice."

_(((Kirk clearly doesn't understand what's going on. It's like he's expecting Spock to be there for another reason that he's not saying. Why, whatever could that reason be?)))_

Spock looks concerned, and Kirk steps forward.

Kirk: "C'mon Spock, I know that look. What is it?"

Spock: "Well our good doctor said that you were acting like a…wildman; demanding brandy."

Kirk laughs.

Kirk: "Our good doctor's been putting you on again."

Spock: "Hm…well in that case, if you'll excuse the intrusion, captain, I'll get back to my work."

Kirk takes the towel off his shoulders and tosses it on the bed.

Kirk: "I'll tell him you were properly annoyed."

_(((The actors were damn smart here. Look at the dialogue, it practically screams AND WE'RE NOT MAKING OUT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE…?!, and neither Nimoy nor Shatner overplayed it, they let the words speak for themselves. Both of them are incredibly good at laying the tension on thick when the dialogue itself is normal and taking a step back when it's blatant (and, in this case, when it's blatant AND one of them is half naked). A very tricky balance, indeed._

_And before anyone says I'm digging too deep, this is EXACTLY the kind of the thing that actors are supposed to do. It's their job.)))_

The next thing you know, Spock and Kirk are in the transporter room. Scotty beamed up the hi-larious dog alien thing and now there's two of it. Scotty goes on to explain (for the slow people in the audience) that one is good and the other is bad.

Now poor little Rand goes to her room, where Evil Kirk is waiting. He's on her in less than a minute, talking some creepy bull about them both hiding feelings, but he's particularly violent so she resists. In their struggle she scratches him across the cheek hard enough to leave marks. She tries to flee the room, but once the door opens he throws her back inside. The damage has been done, though, 'cause another crewman saw them. Rand yells for him to get Spock, but before he can Evil Kirk has given him a quick one-two and sent him to the ground.

Cut to Good Kirk having no clue what Spock is talking about when it comes to Rand's attack. They leave his quarters to go straighten everything out, and once the elevator door closes we see Evil Kirk's bloody hand come into frame.

_(((One of the most giggle-worthy moments of the episode, I might add.)))_

Evil Kirk goes into Good Kirk's quarters and starts licking the blood off of his hand.

_(((He does all of this like an animal would. As cheesy as it may seem now, it still succeeds in making the point it needs to make.)))_

And now Rand is giving her testimony to Spock, Kirk, and McCoy and she's understandably embarrassed.

Rand: "You started talking about the feelings we've been having, and about us-"

Kirk: "Us?!"

_(((It's very clear from Kirk's tone that, when it comes to him and Rand, there is no "us" in any way, shape or form. Not no way, not no how. From the way he sounds, the idea is simply preposterous.)))_

Good Kirk keeps denying that he did it, and Rand mentions that Fisher (that random crewman) saw him too. Fisher confirms, and McCoy gets Fisher back to sickbay and Rand is dismissed.

Spock: "There's only one logical explanation: We have an imposter aboard."

 _(((Why they haven't figured out that there's a Good and Evil Kirk yet is beyond me, but that's not the point of this side note. The point of this side note is that the only_ logical _explanation is that Kirk is LYING, not that there's an imposter. It's sweet to see that, for Spock, the idea of Kirk attempting rape is just flat out illogical. If he didn't have some kind of bias towards Kirk, he wouldn't think that way. Slashy? Borderline. Interesting? Definitely.)))_

We get back from commercial with Spock, Scotty and Kirk in the transporter room. Kirk is holding the dog alien, and Scotty reports that the transporter is still fucked up. The rest of the landing crew (including Sulu) is stuck on the planet's surface, where night is about fall and the temperature is about to get 120 degrees below zero. So basically, if the transporter isn't working soon, they're fucked.

Kirk then walks over to Spock, and this convo begins:

Spock: "About your double, Captain…"

Kirk: "Yes, uh…yes…we have to find him. Search parties, Mr. Spock. Organize search parties."

Spock has an instantly negative reaction to this idea.

Spock: "We can't take a chance on killing it. We have no previous experience, no way of knowing what would happen to you."

_(((Aw stop, you're making me blush just listening to you. Also note his reaction. He doesn't just state his reasons for being against the idea, he has a genuine, emotional reaction before he even speaks._

_Mr. Spock is sure feeling a lot in this episode for a guy who claims to have complete control over his emotions.)))_

Good Kirk has to think for a bit before telling Spock to have the search party's weapons on stun. There's something clearly wrong with his thought process, as he proves by saying he'll tell the crew what's going on. Spock immediately points out that a Captain can't look vulnerable to the crew in any way or he'll lose command. Of course Kirk is aware of this, but he's troubled as to why he forgot at that moment.

Good Kirk then orders Spock to tell him the next time he starts slipping, then leaves. Spock turns around and, even though he's holding the dog alien thing now, he has a clear moment of genuine concern.

Aaaaaand we're back from another commercial with a voice over from Good Kirk explaining that he's starting to lose his strength of will for some unknown reason, which makes decision making a wee bit difficult.

Good Kirk hops on the ship's PA system and announces that there's an imposter on board. As he talks we see Evil Kirk, in all his eyeliner glory, listening intently to Good Kirk's announcement. Good Kirk says that the imposter looks exactly like him, but can be identified by scratches on his face. He also gives the order for search parties to be arranged and to…uh…he doesn't quite remember.

Fortunately Spock has appeared by Good Kirk's side, and reminds him to remind the crew to have the phasers set on stun.

Now Evil Kirk is starting to lose it. He goes on a rampage, screaming "I'm captain Kirk!" and generally making a mess of his room.

_(((This is pretty damn funny, actually. Melodrama, thy name is Evil Kirk.)))_

Evil Kirk's identity crisis rampage brings him to the mirror, where he sees the scratches on his face. He reaches for flesh toned make up and covers up the wound, so now he looks just like Good Kirk again.

_(((Uh…does someone wanna explain why Kirk has foundation in his room? How very To Wong Foo of him._

_Also, couldn't people tell which one was evil by the eyeliner…nahhhh. Yay 60s.)))_

Evil Kirk then opens the door to leave his room, and sees a random crewmember named Wilson. Trying to impersonate Good Kirk, he orders for Wilson to give him his phaser, and the poor sap does it. Then Evil Kirk asks how Wilson is, Wilson says he's fine, which was apparently the wrong thing to say because the crewman gets a judo chop to the neck and punch to the stomach for being so damn chipper.

_(((Serves him right, mouthing off like that, saying he was fine and all. How rude.)))_

Good Kirk checks in with Sulu and the landing party on the planet.

_(((FINALLY.)))_

Sulu reports that it's already 20 degrees below zero as he shivers in his uniform.

_(((Those must be some damn amazing uniforms.)))_

Good Kirk and Spock are in the hearing room (for some reason) while this is happening, and Good Kirk cuts the transmission.

Kirk asks Spock if there's anything they can do. Spock says they beamed down heaters…

_(((Those must be some damn amazing heaters.)))_

…but they duplicated and won't work.

_(((Guess not.)))_

Then Spock gets word about what happened to poor Wilson. He then muses that Evil Kirk has all the knowledge that Good Kirk does, which means he's verrrry familiar with the ship. He asks Good Kirk where he would hide to elude a mass search, and Kirk says he'd hide in the engineering deck.

Next thing you know we're in engineering with Good Kirk and Spock as they begin to search.

_(((Isn't there something they should do first…ugh, I should know this…)))_

Spock reminds Kirk to set phasers to stun, NOT kill.

_(((Oh RIGHT. Thank you, Spock. That had been brought up so many times that I completely forgot.)))_

Just before they really start searching, this dialogue occurs:

Spock: "Don't you think we ought to get some help, captain?"

Kirk: "No, I don't want anyone to see the…"

Spock: "Captain, you ordered me to tell you-"

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, if I'm going to be the captain I need to act like one."

_(((You'd think acting like a captain would mean knowing when to ask for help…but oh well. Poor Kirk isn't in his right mind at the moment.)))_

Cut to Kirk walking on the tops of whatever the hell kind of machines they have in engineering, right above Spock and Good Kirk's heads. Spock and Good Kirk split up to search. Evil Kirk drops down to the ground when no one is watching. Tension. Walking. More tension. More walking.

At last, Evil Kirk shows up a bit behind Good Kirk and Good Kirk turns around.

_(((Yay, Mr. Eyeliner and Mr. Not-As-Much-Eyeliner finally meet!)))_

Good Kirk approaches his counterpart carefully, saying "You can't hurt me. You can't kill me."

_(((Uh, Kirk, the guy has a phaser…I'm pretty sure he CAN. You know, what with the laws of physics and everything.)))_

Evil Kirk keeps backing up, looking very intense and crazed as Good Kirk talks about how they need each other. Evil Kirk says menacingly, "I don't need you!"

And to finally bring and end to this drawn out sequence, Spock appears and nerve pinches the guy. But, alas, as Evil Kirk falls he fires the phaser and it hits some part of whatever the fuck they have in engineering.

Kirk doesn't seem so alarmed by the new hole in his ship, instead he kneels down next to Evil Kirk and looks at him for a bit.

_(((This is actually a pretty impressive split screen shot for the 60s. I bet it was expensive as all hell though.)))_

Cross fade to sickbay. McCoy tells Spock that Evil Kirk should be coming around soon and, given his physical state, he doesn't dare give him a tranquilizer. McCoy recommends tying the Evil one down, and Good Kirk agrees, but something's wrong.

Kirk: "What's the matter with me?"

Spock: "Judging from my observations, captain, you're rapidly losing the power of decision."

McCoy: "You have a point, Spock?"

_(((Translation: Tell the good folks at home what the hell this episode's about.)))_

_(((Okay everyone, hunker down. The show is gonna get cerebral on your ass.)))_

Spock: "Yes, always doctor. We have here an unusual opportunity to appraise the human mind. Or to examine, in earth terms, the roles of good and evil in a man."

Spock goes to Evil Kirk's side.

Spock: "His negative side, which you call hostility, lust, violence…

Spock turns to Good Kirk.

Spock: "…and his positive side, which earth people express as compassion, love, tenderness."

McCoy: "It's the captain's guts you're analyzing, are you aware of that, Spock?"

Spock: "Yes. And what is it that makes one man an exceptional leader? We see here indications that it is his negative side which makes him strong. That his evil side, if you will, properly controlled and disciplined, is vital to his strength. Your negative side, removed from you, the power of command begins to elude you."

Kirk: "What  _is_  your point, Mr. Spock?"

_(((Translation: Gimme a good one or two lines that'll sum it up for slower members of the audience.)))_

Spock: "If you're power of command continues to weaken, you'll soon be unable to function as captain. You must be prepared for that."

_(((Okay, back up the Message Train. This episode is all about the duality of man. You can't have good without evil, intellect without drive. We all have your dark sides, and we all struggle with keeping our evil tendencies in check. This is heavy shit that can be discussed at GREAT length if one so chose, and it's the entire basis of this episode._

_Basically: If anyone says that TOS was just a silly space opera with babes and action, you have every right to kick them in the shins. Hard. I do. It works.)))_

McCoy: "You have your intellect, Jim, you can fight with that."

Kirk: "How long?"

Spock: "If I seem insensitive as to what you're going through, captain, understand…it's the way I am."

A verrrry slight smile tugs at the corner of Kirk's mouth.

_(((WHOA Nellie, hold up, put on the brakes. After being blindsided with all of the intellectual mumbo jumbo, did I see a bit of SLASH dance cross my screen?_

_First of all, Spock's comment comes straight out of bumblefuck nowhere. WHY did Spock say that? From a writer's perspective, it looks like he doesn't want Kirk thinking he's just an insensitive prick, which would mean that he_ cares _what Kirk thinks about him. Also, him saying "It's the way I am" is BULL. SHIT. We know he's an emotional being, he's half human. And the line itself comes from a place of emotional need so scratch the Spock-is-emotionless theory. Hell, in a couple of episodes we get to see him break down entirely. Fun times._

_Secondly, we have Kirk's slight smile, like he understands completely. Once again, I've gotta compliment Shatner. The corner of his mouth BARELY moves, his expression BARELY changes, but it's THERE, and it says a lot. From (literally) the second before, we know that Kirk's mind was still troubled with the situation at hand thanks to Shatner's ability to think on camera. He hears Spock's words, gets the message, and while he's still worried about everything, we see him acknowledge that he understands what Spock is saying. Good on Shatner for being able to portray that moment._

_Anyway, there's a plot to this episode, and it's moving forward.)))_

Now Good Kirk gets word from Scotty that the place Evil Kirk shot at as he fell down was where the main circuits for the transporter were, and they've been burned to all hell.

_(((So they've been having transporter trouble the whole episode, and the one place Evil Kirk shoots happens to be the main circuits? Small universe.)))_

Now we get to check in with Sulu and the landing party as they curl up with a blanket.

_(((Yeah, that's right. A blanket. Not three, not two, one. A single blanket that looks like somebody deflated a giant fabric beach ball. The blanket must be made of Awesome.)))_

Sulu: "Temperature still dropping, now forty one degrees below zero."

Kirk: "We've located the trouble, it shouldn't be much longer."

Sulu: "You think you might be able to find a long rope somewhere and lower us a pot of hot coffee?"

Cut to Kirk as Sulu's humor in the face of possible death tugs at his heartstrings.

Kirk: "I'll see what we can do."

Sulu: "Rice wine will do if you're short on coffee."

_(((I gotta admit, even though Sulu and company should be meatsicles, Sulu shows great strength and hope at forty below zero.)))_

Kirk contacts Scotty then, to see how things are going. Scotty reports that it can't be repaired in less than a week.

_(((Well balls.)))_

We get back from commercials to hear a Captain's Log. Long story short: A shitty situation has gotten shittier. It's now 75 degrees below zero on the planet and Kirk still feels his all around captainy nature draining out of him.

On the planet, Sulu fires a phaser at some rocks to heat them up and calls Kirk.

_(((NOW everyone has their own blanket. Granted, the blankets looks about as useful as lube to a eunuch, but still.)))_

Sulu keeps phrasing everything in an endearingly humorous way, and it's killing Kirk to hear it while being able to do nothing to help them. Sulu asks if they'll be beamed up anytime soon, and Kirk can't bring himself to answer. Spock swoops in to Kirk's rescue then, and answers for him.

_(((Spock really does swoop in to Kirk's rescue. From the beginning of the scene we're made to believe that Kirk is alone in the meeting room, when suddenly Spock appears. It's a sweet little gesture. Slashy? It can't be determined. It's still sweet, though, and another indication that Spock gives a damn.)))_

Cut to Evil Kirk screaming and yelling in his bed and causing a ruckus in the most hi-larious of ways. McCoy tells Good Kirk that Evil Kirk is dying and Good Kirk sits by his counterpart.

_(((This is another really well done split screen shot. It looks so good that I wonder if it was part of remastering they did. Bravo!)))_

Good Kirk takes the evil one's hand and tries to encourage him to not be afraid. It seems to calm Evil Kirk down, then he suddenly passes out. McCoy goes to get some brandy, and Good Kirk has some interesting thoughts to say out loud.

Kirk: "I have to take him back inside myself. I can't survive without him. I don't want to take him back. He's like an animal. A thoughtless, brutal animal…yet it's me. Me."

_(((Yet again: TOS had just as much brains as it had brawn, sometimes more so, and any naysayer deserves to be kicked in the shins. I do it. It works._

_I won't dissect the following, I just transcribed it because it speaks for itself. These are pretty compelling thoughts period, let alone for a 60s tv show.)))_

McCoy comes back with brandy and they drink.

McCoy: "We all have our darker side, we need it. It's half of what we are. It's not really ugly, it's human."

Kirk: "Human."

McCoy: "Yes, human. A lot of what he is makes you the man you are. God forbid I should have to agree with Spock, but he was right. Without the negative side, you wouldn't be the captain, you couldn't be and you know it. Your strength of command lies mostly in him."

Kirk: "What do I have?"

McCoy: "You have the goodness."

Kirk: "Not enough. I have a ship to command."

McCoy: "The intelligence, the logic. It appears your half has most of that. And perhaps that's where man's essential courage comes from. For you see, he was afraid and you weren't."

_(((TOS. Brains. Naysayers. Shins. Works.)))_

While all of the brainy stuff is going on, Evil Kirk has woken up. Spock calls Kirk to the transporter room, where we find out that everything should be working now. Spock recommends that they send the dog alien thing through as a test subject. Kirk takes a second to make the decision.

Spock: "Captain…"

Kirk: "Yes, go ahead."

_(((Now, the word 'captain' doesn't look like much on the page, but on screen it says much more. Spock's tone up until then was perfectly normal, but when he saw Kirk start to flounder, his tone changed to a more gentler one. Just one of the many subtleties in Nimoy's portrayal of Spock.)))_

They put both dogs in the transporter and beam them down to the planet. There's a moment of waiting while Kirk and Spock stare at each other.

 _(((Kirk's expression is perfectly explainable because his life is on the line. Spock's expression, on the other hand, is very interesting. In that one little moment (at minute 35:25, for those who want to look) we see that Spock_ cares _about the outcome of this test just as much as Kirk does. He's showing deep, genuine concern, which is an emotion. Slash-wise it can be explained either way, he's worried because Kirk is his friend or he's worried because Kirk is his friend_ and _there's something else there._

_The point is that the latter explanation is a perfectly REASONABLE assumption. There's plenty of evidence up until (and after) this point, to believe that Spock gives a damn because something romantic is developing between them. I mean, hell, Kirk was blatantly flirting with him earlier in this very episode, so it's a logical conclusion.)))_

Well they beam the animal back and it's one piece but, whups, the shock killed it.

Commercial!

This time it's Spock giving a Captain's Log, and he states what's happening AGAIN, for the people who are just tuning in.

As we hear his voice over, we see Spock on the bridge, standing in between Sulu's station and Kirk's empty chair. Spock turns to the chair, puts a hand on the arm, stares at it for a few seconds, then goes to the elevator.

_(((We're clearly meant to think that Spock is thinking about Kirk. The adorable little Vulcan is still worried. How sweet. =D )))_

Spock arrives to the sickbay where Kirk and McCoy are. Spock argues that Kirk has more capability to take the shock than a dog alien and Kirk should risk transporting. McCoy argues that it's too risky and that he should have time to do an autopsy on the dog alien while Spock checks out the transporter again.

Meanwhile, poor little Kirk just can't make up his mind. Spock and McCoy argue, and this very interesting bit happens:

McCoy: "You can't risk your life on a theory!"

Spock: "Being split in two halves is no theory with me, doctor. I have a human half, you see, as well as an alien half, submerged, constantly at war with each other. Personal experience, doctor. I survive it because my intelligence wins out over both, makes them live together.

_(((Rarely do we ever hear Spock acknowledge his human half, much less that his emotions are always battling his logic. I mean sure we figured as much, but to hear him admit it is a completely different thing._

_Also, ain't it funny that in the same episode where a half naked Kirk flirts with Spock, Spock talks about constantly being at war with himself? It's nothing definite, but then if Spock went around talking about how he can't decide if he should let himself jump Kirk, the show wouldn't have lasted all that long.)))_

Well poor Kirk just can't make up his mind, at least until Spock asks if he's relinquishing command, then Kirk momentarily gets a little of his mojo back.

_(((There's some really pretty music playing during this bit. Normally the music is very BAHHHH WE'RE FROM THE 60s AND WE'RE DRAMATIC BAHHHH but during that it's actually quite lovely in a vaguely creepy kind of way.)))_

Kirk tells Spock to get the transporter ready, and then tells McCoy to keep investigating.

Now that Kirk is good and conflicted, the writer decided to really punch him in the gut. Sulu checks in again, and now it's 117 below zero and they're all nearly dead, which hurts Kirk to no end.

Kirk decides to go through the transporter and unties Evil Kirk while holding a phaser on him. Evil Kirk seems a little pooped (wouldn't you be?) and says he won't fight anymore.

Evil Kirk stands, gets woozy, and faints into Good Kirk's arms but AHA! Evil Kirk was just being evil! Imagine that!

He uses the momentum from the fall to back Good Kirk into the wall and overpower him.

Now we see Evil Kirk run into Yeoman Rand in the hallway. He pretends to be Good Kirk and asks if he can go to her room later and explain this whole mess. She agrees.

_(((We all know he's setting her up to get attacked again, and even though Rand says yes you can tell she's a bit wary of the whole thing. Here in a bit we find out that she knew it wasn't Good Kirk, so I guess she's not completely stupid.)))_

Now things get REALLY interesting, plot wise. Evil Kirk gets to the bridge and orders that the ship just leaves Sulu and company to freeze. Spock is surprised, but ultimately doesn't argue. Just then…BUM BUM BUM BUUUUMMMM, Good Kirk and McCoy enter the bridge. It falls to Spock to figure out who's who. Without even the slightest hesitation, Spock takes his place next to the real Good Kirk.

_(((Yet another moment that shows how well Spock knows Kirk. ::Sigh::)))_

Well Evil Kirk really shoots himself in the foot and loses his cool in front of everyone, going bat shit insane and yelling all over the place about how the ship is his and he wants to live. Good Kirk finally embraces Evil Kirk, assuring him that he will live and embraces him.

_(((Evil Kirk's expressions are quite priceless, just fyi. Yay 60s.)))_

Cut to Good Kirk holding Evil Kirk in the transporter.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock.

Spock: "Captain?"

Kirk: "If this doesn't work…"

There's a full three seconds of dead silence. They stare at each other.

Spock: "Understood, captain."

They look at each other for another two seconds, then Spock turns away.

_(((WHAT?! UNDERSTOOD_ _**WHAT** _ _?!_

_I'll tell you what: Kirk just said, in so many words, "Hey, if I die right now, I want you to know that I'm aware of what's been happening with us." And what does Spock say? "Understood." He gets it! They get it! AND IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU._

_Some people might try to make the argument that Kirk was saying "Hey, if anything goes wrong, kill me." But that just doesn't make any sense. Kirk knows that if something is gonna go wrong, it's gonna be him dying of shock. There is NO other way to interpret this moment, especially when you watch the footage itself. It's what everyone should just naturally assume._

_For example: In the brand new Star Trek film (which was awesome), right before Spock and Kirk split up and go off for the big last battle against Nero, Spock says "If this doesn't work, tell Uhura-" and Kirk says, "Yeah, I know. It'll work."_

_We are left to naturally assume that Spock wanted to tell Uhura that he loved her in case he died._

_It's the EXACT same situation here, only it's with two men, and there's nothing wrong with that.)))_

So long story short (too late), Kirk goes through the transporter and comes out good as new.

_(((If you catch Spock's reaction to this good news, you can see that he's extremely relieved.)))_

They beam Sulu etc back on board and all they've got is a bit of frostbite but they'll be fine.

_(((Friggin. Amazing. Blankets.)))_

And just in case you weren't slashed out by the end of this episode, we next see this scene between Spock and Kirk on the bridge:

Kirk enters the bridge, sees Spock, and heads straight for him.

"All sections report ready, sir," Spock says in his normal, dutiful tone.

Kirk nods and says, "Good," as he looks around the bridge for a moment. Then he looks at Spock and speaks again, this time with a little smile, "Thank you, Mr. Spock," his grin gets a touch wider, "from both of us."

"Shall I pass that on to the crew, sir?" Spock replies with a hint of playfulness.

"The imposter's back where he belongs," Kirk says, "let's forget it."

_(((Okay seriously, were people blind in the 60s? Remember earlier when I said that Nimoy and Shatner were really good at taking a step back with the text itself was flirtatious enough, and laying it on when it wasn't? This is a PERFECT example, and it happens right smack dead in the same episode as the half naked flirty scene._

_Throughout this little interaction, Spock has the SAME expression he had after the infamous 'emotional security' line in The Corbomite Maneuver. It's that inner smile that only surfaces through his eyes and mayyyyybe a little in his mouth. They are FLIRTING. AGAIN. It's only the fourth episode, for crying out loud! How in the name of donkey dragons did they get away with this?!_

_Then you have Spock's oh-so-clever little "Shall I pass this on to the crew?" Come ON, guys, get a ROOM already. CHRIST._

_Not only that, but after Kirk starts walking away, we get to see Spock still STARING at Kirk with the SAME inner smile. Lawdy, people, what more do you want from them?!_

_I_ _**wonder** _ _how_ _**this** _ _show gave_ _**birth** _ _to_ _**slash** _ _?)))_

Kirk then happens upon Rand.

Rand: "The imposter told me what happened, and what I'd like to say is…well I.."

Kirk (with a polite smile): "Thank you, Yeoman."

 _(((Note the difference between Kirk's_ polite _smile at Rand and his fond, intimate smiles with Spock. The difference isn't "wishful thinking," there's a real, literal_ difference _.)))_

Rand heads over to Spock and gives him a report to sign.

Spock (in a wickedly knowing tone): "The imposter had some interesting qualities, wouldn't you say, Yeoman?"

He then smiles to himself as Rand walks away mildly offended.

_(((Why SPOCK, you little devil! FLAUNTING everything RIGHT in Yeoman's face like that! No really, look at that bit. It's at about minute 48:50._

_Spock, you dirty bitch, I had no idea you could be so human! He basically told her, "Haha, the captain doesn't give a shit about youuu, he likes meee, ha ha ha ha HA ha!"_

_I'm not embellishing! It's right there!_

_It's right in front of you, ladies and gentlemen. Hidden right out there for all the world to see. Yet again we find a moment that has NO other possible explanation.)))_

Thus endeth 'The Enemy Within.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 1
> 
> Times Kirk loses/rips/has no shirt - 3


	5. 1x05 The Man Trap

**Season One, Episode Five: The Man Trap**

Okie dokie, let's see here…Kirk, McCoy, and some random crewman named Darnell are beaming down to the planet with the exciting name, N113. Spock is holding down the fort on the ship. What the crap are they doing on N113? A routine medical examination of archaeologist Bob Krater and his wife.

_(((Why the captain has to be present for a scheduled check up isn't explained…but we can all guess that he needs to be there 'cause he's the star of the show and this is where the interesting shit's gonna happen.)))_

In the Captain's Log we learn that the wife is "that one woman from McCoy's past."

_(((That's right folks, the Dame of the Hour has_ nothing _to do with Kirk. Are you surprised? I'm not.)))_

Kirk has a little fun with McCoy, asking him if he's gonna pick some flowers for her. It's clear that he's not terribly stressed about the situation, which is completely normal. The trio goes into the archaeologist's place and wait. The wife, Nancy, shows up and McCoy is smitten and surprised that she looks so young for her age. He introduces Nancy to Kirk, and all of the sudden she's got grayer, poofier hair. Then McCoy introduces her to Darnell, and now she's a smokin' hot blonde with pretty blue eyes.

_(((Confused? Good. We're not supposed to know why each guy is seeing her in a completely different way yet. A red flag is definitely up, though.)))_

Darnell comments that Nancy looks like a chick he used to know, which offends McCoy and Kirk sends the poor kid outside. Nancy says she'll go find her husband, Bob, so they can get on with the whole medical exam thing. She passes Darnell on her way out and is a hot blonde again, strutting her stuff in front of him. Darnell follows. Opening credits.

We come back and Kirk spells it out for us in a voice over that none of them knew that they were each seeing a different Nancy. Bob arrives, and he's kind of douchebag. He not-so-gently asks for them to GTFO, but oh hey on your way out leave some salt tablets, k?

Kirk lays down the law and Bob gives in. Bob hears Kirk call McCoy by his name, and he recognizes it but he's not bugged by his presence. McCoy starts his med exam and all is well until it's not.

We hear Nancy scream her head off, and Kirk is out the door in a flash, with Bob and McCoy following behind.

They find Nancy standing over Darnell's dead body, still screaming.

_(((The random crewman died? NO. WAY.)))_

Kirk kneels next to Darnell and sees some weird plant in the kid's mouth and some bizarre red circles covering his face. Kirk demands to know what happened, and Nancy tells a story with a lot of unnecessary, weepy pauses about how she was just telling Darnell that what he said earlier didn't bug him and he had already eaten a Borsia plant, and Borsia = Death.

Well in light of there being a dead guy and all, Kirk says they'll finish the examinations tomorrow and contacts Scotty to beam them up. Nancy makes a point to ask Bob if he remembered to request salt tablets.

_(((Don't' be TOO obvious or anything, Nancy, you wouldn't want anyone to find you WEIRD.)))_

And we're back on the Enterprise. Spock is in Kirk's chair, working, and Uhura approaches. She tries to flirt with Spock, and the moves soar completely over Spock's head.

_(((We're supposed to get that, in this episode at least, Uhura is lonely. Lonely people hit on people. Since she never, ever makes another move on Spock of even the slightest magnitude, we can reasonably assume that Uhura hitting on Spock was the easiest way the writer found to get the 'Uhura is lonely' message across in less than sixty seconds. During the brief flirt she all but says 'I. AM. LONELY. TALK. TO. ME.'_

_The bit really isn't any kind of indication that Uhura seriously has a thing for Spock. And besides, Nichelle Nicols said herself that her approach to that relationship was mentor/student, with her as the student obviously.)))_

Uhura gives up on Spock and goes to leave, but then Spock gets word that the landing party has returned with one dead and Spock simply confirms that he got the message. Uhura, who is standing mostly behind him at this moment, begins this dialogue:

Uhura: "I don't believe it."

Spock: "Explain."

Uhura: "You explain. That means that somebody is  _dead_  and you just sit there. It could be captain Kirk, he's the closest thing you have to a friend."

Spock: "Lieutenant, my demonstration of concern will not change what has happened. Transporter room is very well manned and they will call me if they need my assistance."

_(((But Brittany, why did you single out this dialogue? It's pretty cut and dry, totally normal, nothing exciting going on heWRONG._

_What Uhura doesn't see between the time Spock gets the information and when she finally speaks up is that Spock_ IS _concerned. We see it right there on his face. His expression isn't exploding with overwrought distress, but then that's Spock for you. Spock = subtle, unless it's a very, VERY special occasion and we all know that Spock has had plenty of times just like this when Kirk may have been the one to get killed so, while this isn't a completely abnormal circumstance, he's still concerned._

_Also, Spock's last line in this little scene, though it looks routine on the page, was delivered with a certain degree of frustration and agitation, with a dash of rudeness thrown in. The subtext would read something along the lines of, "Look bitch, I AM worried but that's an_ emotion _. I'm Vulcan too, damnit. Go. Away."_

_His behavior had been typical Spock until he got word that someone was dead, then his attitude changed. We know he was concerned. It's cute. Deal with it.)))_

Cut to a bit later. Kirk and McCoy are in sickbay with Darnell's body. Spock chimes in from the bridge to say that the Borsia plant is indeed poisonous, but it doesn't cause those freaky red circles. Long story short: Darnell couldn't have been poisoned and, not only that, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with Darnell. No cause of death. Good times.

_(((Does this send up a red flag about Nancy's bullshit story? Of course not, we still have thirty five minutes of the episode left to fill. Silly goose.)))_

McCoy decides that now is a good time to go off in la la land about Nancy looking so good for her age, and Kirk responds with:

Kirk: "How your lost love affects your vision, doctor, doesn't interest me. I've lost a man! I wanna know what killed him!"

_(((This is the first time we really get a glimpse of how much Kirk hates to lose members of his crew. It's an aspect of his character that I really love, and it's explored a bit more as the series goes on._

_Unfortunately Kirk is the main character in Star Trek, so he better get used to losing random crewman. A lot.)))_

Well we're back from commercial and back on the bridge. Spock tells Kirk nothing terribly new, and that Bob and Nancy's history on the planet is legit. The only thing worth mentioning is that shipments of supplies to Bob and Nancy have been getting fewer and fewer over the past year.

McCoy calls Kirk to sickbay and Spock tags along. They find out that Darnell's body doesn't have a speck of salt in it and that the red rings aren't 'skin modeling' like McCoy originally thought. McCoy acknowledges his mistakes, but Kirk smiles a friendly little smile and says that he's not keeping track and apologizes for biting his head off earlier.

Kirk connects the amazingly complex and confusing dots between Darnell's body lacking salt and Bob and Nancy's demand for ::gasp:: salt.

Next thing you know Kirk is back on the planet and questioning Bob, firstly about where Nancy is. When Bob doesn't give a straight answer, Kirk orders some crewman schmuck named Green to go find her and he scampers off.

When Bob protests to them being there (AGAIN) Kirk says that there's something down here that killed one of his men and it could go after them too. Bob doesn't seem terribly afraid.

_(((Does anybody wonder why? Nope. Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk insists that Bob and Nancy stay on the Enterprise until the unknown predator is found.

_(((Oy.)))_

While Kirk contacts Spock to make the arrangements, Bob scampers off and discovers the other random crewman to be dead just like Darnell. We then see Nancy standing over Green's dead body as Bob yells for her, trying to tempt her out into the open with salt tablets.

Nancy then turns into a double of Green and reports to Kirk.

_(((This isn't gonna get complicated at all. Not at all.)))_

McCoy then starts freaking out because they can't find Nancy.

Kirk: "You could learn something from Mr. Spock, doctor. Stop thinking with your glands!"

_(((Many thanks to_ sniffre _for bringing this lovely bit to my attention. How on earth did I miss this? So Kirk tells McCoy to be more like Spock in these situations. Why, it just so happens that we just saw Spock in this situation! Remember when they got word that someone was dead, but Spock kept his cool even though, as Uhura pointed out herself, it could've been the captain? Kirk's line here draws a direct parallel between McCoy being worried to pieces about a past lover and Spock being worried about Kirk. Is this the last time we see a parallel like this? Hell no!_

_Now WHY would Roddenberry DO THAT? Think about it for a second, I'm sure something will come to you..._

_XD )))  
_

Yadda yadda, Nancy's now roaming around the ship, yadda yadda, Nancy runs into Yeoman Rand with a tray of food and salt on it, blah blah, interesting camera angle on Spock and Kirk leaning over the scanner thingy and it's cute 'cause they're close together, yadda yadda, oh yeah, then this bit happens:

Rand passes by two random crewman with the tray.

Crewman #1: "How 'bout that, huh?"

Crewman #2: "How'd you like to have  _her_  as your own personal yeoman?"

_(((This is a good example of how normal, red blooded dudes respond to something they're attracted to. Does this remind you of how Kirk treats Rand? What's that? Not at all?_

_My point exactly.)))_

Okay, let's go Cliffs Notes…Nancy (still disguised as Green) follows Rand into the botany room where she gives Sulu his dinner…there's a really hilarious plant that's clearly a hand in a plastic costume…Nancy freaks out Sulu….the hand plant freaks out Nancy…Nancy runs into Uhura and turns into a hot black man to hit on her in Swahili in an attempt to suck the salt out of her…Nancy's got a thing about biting her knuckle…McCoy can't sleep…Kirk recommends taking those red pills to help him sleep…Kirk eats some stuff that looks like multicolored chunks of cantaloupe…Nancy turns back into Nancy and McCoy finds her…she gets him to take those pills to sleep…once he's passed out Nancy turns into McCoy…Kirk mentions that the creature (whatever the fuck it is) can paralyze victims in their tracks with some kind of alien super awesome power…Kirk and Spock go down the planet to talk to Bob…Bob doesn't wanna talk…Spock finds Green and gets Kirk…Kirk puts the ship on alert like a good lil captain…Bob fires some kind of phaser-esque weapon at them and forces them to crawl around on the ground…Spock crawls up to Kirk and yet again they're cute 'cause they're close…Nancy (as McCoy) pops up on the bridge and stares at everyone which isn't weird at all no wait yes it is but nobody notices…Kirk and Spock get the drop on Bob…Bob decides to FINALLY tell everyone what the crap Nancy is…Nancy is that last of her kind…something about a comparison between Nancy's race going extinct and the buffalo going extinct…oh shit the real Nancy's been dead for a couple of years…now that they all know the creature is a shapeshifter they all have a meeting only McCoy is really Nancy…oh the irony…ah yes, then Bob starts talking.

Kirk (to Bob): "I'll forego charges up to this point, but this creature's aboard my ship and I'll have it, or I'll have your skin, or both. Now where is it?"

Bob: "I loved Nancy very much."

_(((Oh WELL then, why didn't you say so? We'll just drop you off at your creatively named planet and go then. Oh wait, people are DYING.)))_

Bob: "Few women like my Nancy. She lives in my dreams, she walks and sings in my dreams."

Kirk: "And it becomes Nancy for you?"

Bob: "Not because of tricks, it doesn't trick me."

_(((Does it trick you?)))_

Bob: "It needs love as much as it needs salt."

_(((WHOA. When did we make the jump to human/salt-sucking-shapeshifter mating?)))_

Bob: "When it killed Nancy I almost destroyed it…but it isn't just a beast."

_(((It's a SEXY beast.)))_

Bob: "It is intelligent, and the last of it's kind."

_(((So I porked it. Pretty run-of-the-mill story, really.)))_

Kirk: "You bleed too much, Krater. You're too pure and noble. You saving the last of its kind or has this become Krater's private heaven here on this planet? This thing becomes wife, lover, best friend, wise man, fool, idle slave. Isn't a bad life, to have everyone in the universe at your beck and call, and you win all the arguments."

_(((Okay, as I was transcribing Kirk's speech I noticed something. The camera is on Kirk for the whole speech, EXCEPT when Kirk says 'lover, best friend, wise man.' For those three descriptions, and those three ONLY, it cuts away…to Spock._

_Now it's probably just a coincidence…but that's one FUCK of a coincidence. Draw your own conclusion.)))_

Bob: "You don't understand."

_(((We sure as fuck don't, Bob. We sure. as fuck. do not.)))_

_(((So for those keeping track: Episode one was about men obtaining the power of Gods. Episode two was about learning of different cultures peacefully. Episode three was about the overly idealistic picture they had of wives back then. Episode four concentrated on the duality of man. Episode five is about alternate relationships and the extinction of endangered species._

_Gene Roddenberry sure as shit knew how to have a controversial show. Now, gee, what else would make a show controversial in the 60s? Let. Me. Think._

_Might I also add that while this big, revealing scene about an alternate relationship between a human and an alien is going on, Nancy is disguised as McCoy. A man. Bob is a man. Fascinating.)))_

Spock offers to escort McCoy (who's still Nancy) and Bob to sickbay so that Bob can get a dose of truth serum so he'll help them find Nancy. They exit, but not before Spock looks off camera in Kirk's direction and holds the look for a moment.

_(((Hm, so after the big alternative relationship scene, Spock looks over at Kirk for a good solid moment as he's leaving. You know, if this mind doesn't stop reeling it's gonna get motion sickness.)))_

Well it turns out the whole escort thing didn't really pan out, 'cause the next thing you know Kirk is running down the hall to get to Spock in sickbay.

_(((Yeah that's right. Kirk. Running. To Spock.)))_

Spock is laying on the examination table with a cut on his forehead. Kirk is by his side, listening.

Spock: "It wasn't McCoy, it was the creature. It hit me. Krater grabbed my phaser. I wondered about McCoy. Doubt had crossed my mind."

Rand then discovers Bob in connecting room, dead as a doornail.

_(((Guess to the salt sucker it was just a physical thing.)))_

Why didn't it kill Spock too? He's half Vulcan, his blood cells are different than humans. Duh.

Now Nancy's changed back into, well, Nancy. She goes to the real McCoy (ha) and wakes him up with some panicky begging to not let them kill her. McCoy is understandably confused, and Kirk arrives on the scene.

Kirk tries to explain that Nancy's not Nancy, but a killer creature. McCoy doesn't buy it. Kirk tempts Nancy with salt. Nancy tries to get McCoy to make Kirk go away. People start raising their voices. McCoy tries to take Kirk's gun, Kirk pushes McCoy out of the way, Nancy takes the salt and paralyzes Kirk with her mind tricksies.

_(((This is actually a pretty well done moment of building tension. Bravo.)))_

Now McCoy is standing near the door (too stunned to be useful) and Kirk is helpless at the hands of Nancy. Nancy puts her hands on Kirk's face and…Spock arrives!

"It's killing the captain!" Spock yells, "Shoot it, doctor, quickly!"

"No!" McCoy refuses.

Spock grabs McCoy and tries to wrench the phaser from him, but when that doesn't immediately work Spock lunges for Nancy and puts himself between her and Kirk.

"It's killing the Captain!" Spock yells again, "Shoot! Quick!"

"I won't shoot Nancy," McCoy swears.

Spock makes a big fist out both of his hands and strikes Nancy repeatedly, "This is not Nancy! If she were Nancy, could she take this?!"

Spock then proceeds to beat the shit out of her.

"Stop it!" McCoy shouts, "Stop it, Spock! Stop it!"

_(((Well damn, now we know what happens if someone threatens Spock's man. Christ.)))_

Nancy has finally had enough and backhands Spock across the room.

Nancy approaches Kirk again, and we finally get to see what Nancy  _really_  looks like…and she looks like one of those fish that suck the algae off the glass of the tank, only with muppet-like hairy arms, a long gray wig, and brown netting to hide its naughty bits from the children in the audience.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

The creature formerly known as Nancy puts her hands on Kirk's face again, and this time Kirk screams in agony. McCoy finally does SOMETHING, and shoots the thing. It turns back into Nancy in one final attempt to appeal to McCoy, but he kills it anyway.

Well that was exciting (no sarcasm intended, it really was). I'd end it here, but there's a tiny bit that happens that I'd like to mention:

So everyone's back on the bridge. Kirk is in his chair, McCoy's standing by Kirk, and Spock wanders over to Kirk's other side when he notices that the captain's in a daze.

"Something wrong captain?" Spock asks.

Kirk snaps out of his thoughts and looks at Spock. Then he manages a smile as he says, "I was thinking about the buffalo, Mr. Spock."

Kirk looks over at McCoy, who also manages to smile for a second before returning to his gloomy inner thoughts.

_(((HmmmmMmMMmmMmmmmm. Okay…McCoy is bummed that Nancy was dead all this time. Done. Kirk is bummed about the last of a species being snuffed out. Done. But look at Spock after Kirk answers him. He's doing that infamous 'inner smile' thing again, like he thinks it's cute (in a non-condescending way) that Kirk is bummed about the species going extinct. It's a lovely little bit from Spock._

_Sure it's small, but I figured that while I'm going through every episode for this kind of thing, I might as well pay attention to detail. Besides, small moments are still moments, no?)))_

Thus endeth The Man Trap!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every five episodes I'll throw in all of the stats so far as opposed to those only featured in the specific episode.
> 
> Times Spock is injured - 1
> 
> Times a God-like entity is featured - 1
> 
> Pointless rolls - 1
> 
> Times Spock Says 'Fascinating' - 1
> 
> Times Kirk resists/ignores a pretty woman when he has no reason to - 3
> 
> Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions - 1
> 
> Random Crewman Body Count - 4
> 
> Times Kirk rips/has no shirt - 3
> 
> Time that time travel is featured
> 
> Ship Taken Hostage
> 
> Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet
> 
> Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship
> 
> Times all of mankind are threatened
> 
> Times a disease threatens the crew
> 
> Time the transporter breaks
> 
> Times immortality is found
> 
> Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force
> 
> Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman
> 
> Times Kirk is injured
> 
> Times Kirk Gets Laid
> 
> Times Kirk Dies
> 
> Kirk Taken Hostage
> 
> Times Kirk outsmarts computer
> 
> Times Spock Dies
> 
> Spock 'Fascinating'
> 
> Times Kirk and Spock wind up exploring an area alone together


	6. 1x06 The Naked Time

**Season One, Episode Six: The Naked Time**

Kirk: "Captain's Log. Our position: Orbiting Sy 2000. An ancient world now a frozen wasteland about to rip apart in its death throes. Our mission: Pick up a scientific party below, observe the disintegration of the planet."

_(((In case you couldn't guess, this is one of the more jolly TOS episodes.)))_

Spock and random crewman Joe beam down to the planet to find the place covered in, what we're meant to see as, ice.

_(((In reality it looks like the place is covered in at least six inches of dust. Oh, and the suits they have on to prevent contamination? Orange beekeeper-esque things with a shit ton of gold circles all over them and a 'helmet' that's so baggy it leaves a huge gap between their neck and the rest of the suit. Yay. 60s.)))_

Well they're there to get the scientists but whups, everyone's dead. Spock leans over a mannequin- er, a dead woman, and the random crewman arrives to report that there's a dead guy in the shower, fully clothed. Every dead person looks like they didn't care what was happening to them, which is creepy (to say the least).

_(((Hold on to your suspension of disbelief, the next thirty seconds is gonna take it for a ride.)))_

Spock goes off to have a look for himself while the random crewman keeps investigating. His nose itches, so like any sane person he takes off the glove that's meant to protect him from everything around him and scratches his nose.

_(((WOW. But hey, I'm sure he'll put it right back on.)))_

He then leaves the glove off while he looks under the main desk.

_(((::Headdesk::)))_

This allows a drop of red something to fly sideways and get onto his hand. He notices this, but doesn't see anything on his hand. Just as he gets his glove back on, Spock comes in and says, "Be certain we expose ourselves to nothing."

_(((Well surely random crewman Joe will report feeling something on his EXPOSED SKIN.)))_

The random crewman says nothing.

_(((::Headdesk::)))_

Spock contacts Kirk and says that the crewmen are dead and it's like nothing they've ever dealt with before. Opening titles.

_(((Wow, 60s. Wow. Yay, but…wow.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1704.2: The science party we were to have picked up has been found dead. Life support systems had been turned off, station personnel frozen to death. Conditions highly unusual. Meanwhile, we remain in orbit to complete our mission: close scientific measurement of the break up of the planet."

Spock and the random crewman are beamed aboard, but they don't move until they're "decontaminated" by some flashy lights.

_(((Now why doesn't this cure the random crewman? I say it's because they still had their suits on, which means the contamination was protected from the decontamination. Oh the irony.)))_

Now the random crewman and Spock are in sickbay, getting checked out by McCoy.

_(((Spock doesn't have his uniform over shirt on, which means he's just in a tight black shirt…do with that information what you will.)))_

McCoy finishes with Joe and Spock hops up on the examination table and checks out fine. Meanwhile, Joe is sitting across the room trying to wipe some invisible something off his hands that apparently makes a rattlesnake sound.

_(((60s…I fucking love you.)))_

Kirk shows up, and Joe confesses that he's disturbed by what he saw, and he's wondering if man was meant to be in space.

Now we're in the briefing room, watching the record tapes from Spock and Joe's expedition.

_(((Spock and Joe's…they should open a burger joint together.)))_

Spock suggests that it might be some kind of space madness they've never heard of. After discussing for a bit, Kirk puts a question to everyone.

Kirk: "Question: Could what happened down there to those people create any unusual danger to this vessel and crew?"

_(((No. I mean, unless a dumbfuck random crewmember took his glove off on the highly contaminated planet and didn't tell anybody, then you'd be screwed. But nobody's stupid enough to do THAT.)))_

Kirk doesn't really get a concrete answer, except that Scotty mentions he can get this ship out of anything so no worries. Kirk gets word that the destruction of the planet has started, and the meeting is adjourned.

Cut to Joe getting his lunch, and we're treated to another hand-wipe-on-shirt-leads-to-rattlesnake-sound moment. Sulu and random crewman O'Reilly come in, and Joe bites their head off, rambling about how if men were meant to be in space they wouldn't need life support. In all of his craziness he picks up the knife from his plate and threatens them with it, then turns it on himself. Sulu and O'Reilly try to get it from him, and in the struggle he falls on his own damn knife and stabs himself.

_(((And by 'stabs himself' I means 'has a red stain on his shirt.' If the 60s we're a person, I'd have sex with it. Yay 60s.)))_

O'Reilly calls for medics, but alas! The rattlesnake sound effect has gotten to his hand too!

Commercial break.

And we're back. The planet's self destruction is coming along nicely, actually a little too nicely. It's shrinking in on itself a bit faster than anticipated.

Oh no! Sulu's hand makes rattlesnake noises too! Octo liebe!

Now we get to watch a cozy little convo about the mental state of Joe between Kirk and Spock as they lean over Spock's scanner.

_(((This convo is all business. As I said, I'm not gonna try to create a moment where there is none. But they are pretty darn close to each other, and that is cute. Those looking for fanvid material, this shot would be lovely.)))_

The gravity of the planet has started to pull at the Enterprise, Kirk has them compensate to remain steady.

McCoy is stitching up Joe's simple stab wound, yet he seems to be dying. In fact, he's dead.

McCoy calls Kirk to the bridge and before Kirk goes he has this plot-important convo with Spock:

Spock: "As the planet continues to shrink in size, it's surface moves away from us."

Kirk: "Forcing us to spiral down to maintain the same distance from it."

Spock: "Exactly. We must be prepared to respond instantly to any sudden change."

Kirk leaves the bridge, Sulu (now a bit loony from the dreaded Rattlesnake Noise Disease) ditches his duties to go and fence.

In sickbay, McCoy says that the only reason Joe died is 'cause he gave up. Kirk wonders if it's linked to the fact that he was on the planet surface.

_(((Yay, he's not a moron! ::Throws confetti::)))_

On the bridge, Spock asks O'Reilly why Sulu left his station. He doesn't get a straight answer, 'cause O'Reilly's loopy now too. Spock tells him to get his butt to sickbay, and off he goes. He finds nurse Chapel in sickbay and admires her eyes as he tilts her chin up. Uh oh, rattler sound! Poor Chapel. =(

_(((For those keeping track, I do believe this is the first episode where we really see Chapel.)))_

Sulu is now running around the ship, half naked and glistening, brandishing a fencing sword and challenging random crewman to duels.

Meanwhile, on the bridge, Kirk and Spock are noticing that the crew is going ape shit, and as Spock muses aloud about how everyone going crazy is acting like they are at heart, the ship is now stuck in the orbit of a planet that's destroying itself.

Sulu pops into the bridge, sword handy, and Spock takes him down with a nerve pinch.

Spock: "Take D'artagnan here to sick bay."

_(((What's that, Spock? Sarcasm? Love you.)))_

Kirk tries to contact Scotty to get his ship the hell outta Dodge, but it's O'Reilly who answers. He's taken over engineering and insists on saying CrAzY things and singing bad songs.

_(((You remember that whole 'we need to be able to react quickly' thing that Spock said? Yeah, turns out they can't really do that right now. Whups.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1704.4: Ship out of control, spiraling down towards planet Sy 2000. We have 19 minutes of life left without engine power or helm control."

_(((Translation: We gon' DIE.)))_

Kirk gets to the door to engineering, where Scotty's waiting. Basically, O'Neill has control of the ship and has powered down the engines and the only way to get through the door is to cut through the wall circuits next to the door.

The crew's getting crazier, the ship's getting deader.

Suddenly the ship tilts violently to the right and everyone goes a tumblin'.

Behold, the first shot of Scotty in the cylindrical space with a bunch of important ship parts 'n things!

Now a random crewmember thinks a paint brush is hi-larious and has painted "love mankind" on the wall, which Spock sees on his way to Scotty.

Scotty's hurrying to cut the wall circuits, but can only go so fast.

Spock pops into sickbay, only to find Chapel. Now shit gets interesting.

Spock: "Nurse? Where's doctor McCoy?"

Chapel: "He's gone to the lab."

Spock tries to contact the lab, but nobody responds.

_(((Spock is all business.)))_

He goes to leave sickbay but Chapel catches him by the hand.

_(((Spock clearly has no idea what's happening.)))_

Chapel: "Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Nurse?"

Close up of Chapel with Spock's hand. Rattler sounds.

_(((No, not the Vulcan! He's cute!)))_

Chapel: "Men from Vulcan treat their women strangely. At least, people say that. But you're part human, too. I know you don't, you couldn't…hurt me. Would you?"

Spock slowly and carefully withdraws his hand from Chapel's grasp. Again, he tries to leave without a word.

_(((He very clearly feels awkward and confused.)))_

Chapel: "I'm in love with you, Mr. Spock."

Spock turns around, STILL confused and concerned to all hell. Chapel starts advancing on him again.

Chapel: "You, the human Mr. Spock. The Vulcan Mr. Spock."

Spock: "Nurse, you sh-"

_(((…ould get control of your lady parts.)))_

Chapel: "Christine, please. I see things, how honest you are."

She takes his hands again.

Chapel: "I know how you feel. You hide it, but you do have feeling. Oh how we must hurt you, torture you…"

_(((When she says 'you do have feeling,' Spock looks downward. He's not responding in a way that suggests he has feelings for her, just that he has feelings_ period _.)))_

Spock: "I'm in control of my emotions."

_(((He seems to be saying that more for himself than for her. He doesn't even look at the poor woman. He's completely inside himself right now.)))_

Chapel: "The others believe that. I don't."

Chapel reaches out and touches the side of his face.

_(((Now Spock is looking at her again, and it's clear he's conflicted. This chick is all over him, won't let him leave, he doesn't_ hate _her and he doesn't want to be rude, but then she went and brought up the fact that he has emotions and that's screwing with his head, especially since he's been exposed the rattler disease thing.)))_

Chapel: "I love you. I don't know why, but I love you. I do love you. Just as you are. Oh I love you."

_(((But do you LOVE him?)))_

She starts kissing his hands.

Spock: "I'm sorry. I  _am_  sorry."

_(((Aw, I feel for Spock at this moment. It's clear that he really is sorry he doesn't feel the same way, but he's a nice guy and he doesn't like hurting her.)))_

Chapel: "Christine."

Spock: "Christine."

_(((It's clear that he's humoring her by calling her by her name. What a softie.)))_

He leaves without a goodbye or even a last glance over his shoulder.

_(((During this scene we the disease begin to take hold of Spock. He's starting to lose control of his feelings and, on top of that, he's got some nurse chick who wants to be his baby mama. By no means does this scene convey a "Oh baby I want you and I'm losing control but I can't 'cause of my Vulcan half" feeling. If anything it conveys a "Holy shit my emotions aren't in check and this chick is in love with me but I don't dig girls how the fuck do I get out of this without hurting her feelings" feeling._

_This isn't me imagining things, it's the scene that plays out._

_My compliments to Nimoy, he did this very well.)))_

Now something even MORE interesting, happens!

We see Spock walking down the hall, fighting back emotion, even choking back a sob.

_(((Holy cow, we've never seen Spock like this. That must be one doozy of a disease, to tear down his walls that easily.)))_

Meanwhile Kirk and Scotty get into engineering (at last) and regain control of the ship.

But enough of that silly plot stuff, back to Spock.

He wanders into a briefing room and leans up against the door, fighting a losing battle with his impending tears. He tries to regain his composure, swearing aloud, "I'm in control of my emotions. I'm an officer. My duty…my duty…"

He takes a seat. Despite his efforts to keep it all in, he's full on crying now.

"I'm sorry," he says to no one.

_(((OOOOOO, who are you apologizing too? And why? Alas, we never find out. The mind can only reel.)))_

Spock: "Two…four…six…six…six times…"

_(((Six times what? SIX TIMES WHAT?! AUUUUGGGGHHH!)))_

_(((_ bbgon _was kind of enough to let me know that the whole 'two four six' thing was Spock reciting the times tables to try and get control of himself, according to Nimoy himself in his book_ I Am Spock _. Mystery solved!)))_

And now he's not just crying, he's SOBBING.

_(((This is HUGE for Spock's character. We know that the disease makes people reveal the truth. Well the truth is that Spock is just a big ol' sobbing bag of EMOTION. Now we know for a FACT that whenever he talks about not having emotion or anything like that, it's pure, PURE bullshit. This is key to Spock's character, and will help us tremendously as figuring him out both in general and in relation to Kirk as time goes on.)))_

Back in engineering, Scotty gives Kirk the news that O'Reilly didn't just turn the engines off, he turned them like OFF off, and it takes OFF off engines half an hour to heat up properly.

But oh yeah, they only have eight minutes before they're a big pile of dead.

We come back from commercial to hear Kirk talking to Scotty about risking warp drive without a proper warm up which is, by the way, bat shit INSANE.

McCoy has now figured out that the disease is spread through perspiration and it acts like alcohol, and now he can make an antidote.

_(((What is about to happen is one of my favorite scenes in all of TOS. Hunker down, 'cause more shit happens in the next two and a half minutes than in the entire damn episode, and it's WONDERFUL.)))_

Spock is still all a blubber in the briefing room. Kirk enters, stressed and all business.

Kirk strides directly towards Spock and says, "Where have you been, I've been-"

He stops dead when he realizes that Spock's been crying.

"My mother," Spock says, still a mess, "I could never tell her I loved her."

_(((Well that's pretty straight forward. What's interesting is that the first thing out of Spock's mouth has to do with never being able to tell someone he loved them.)))_

"We've got four minutes," Kirk reminds him, still focused on the situation at hand, "maybe five."

_(((Kirk's not being insensitive. Had this happened at any other time, he would've been completely sympathetic but, tragedy of tragedies, they're all about to die and he just can't afford to indulge.)))_

Spock is still in his own world, "An earth woman living on a planet where love, emotion…is bad taste."

_(((Here comes the greatest moment of melodrama ever.)))_

Kirk grabs Spock and yanks him into a stance, "We've got to risk a full power start. The engines were shut off, no time to regenerate."

_(((…wait for it…)))_

Kirk has him by the shoulders, and shakes him with every word he emphasizes. It looks something like this: "Do you HEAR me? We've GOT to RISK a FULL POWER START!"

_(((AWESOME.)))_

"I respected my father," Spock continues, "our customs. I was ashamed of my earth-"

Kirk slaps Spock clear across the face.

_(((WHOA. Kirk is damn desperate at this point. He knows they have like NO time to talk about emotions._

_Dear GAWD I wish this had happened when the ship wasn't about to explode.)))_

"Jim…" Spock begins, "When I feel friendship for you, I'm ashamed."

_(((Okay, so this line has the word 'friendship' in it, but with the way the moment feels he might as well have said 'love.' Seriously. Unfortunately this is 1966 and that would not have gone over well._

_EDIT as of 9/3/09: Also, as a few people have pointed out to me, 'friendship' is not an emotion, therefore you can't feel friendship. It's another hint that he's not really talking about friendship. Fascinating.)))_

Kirk hauls off and slaps him two more times, "You've got to hear me!"

When Kirk tries to slap him yet again, Spock clasps his hand and they stay like that for a moment, gripping like there's no tomorrow.

_(((Which, at this point, seems very likely.)))_

"We need a formula!" Kirk yells, still desperate, "We've got to risk implosion!"

"Never been done!" Spock replies, throwing Kirk's hand down.

_(((FINALLY, Kirk gets an answer that has to do with the situation.)))_

"Understand, Jim," Spock says, "I spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings."

Kirk slaps Spock  _again_ , and this time Spock doesn't simply take it. He backhands Kirk clear across the room.

_(((Okay stop everything. So the first couple of times Kirk hits Spock, we get that he's trying to wake him the fuck up. But now Spock has given him a lucid response, so I'm wondering WHY Kirk would HIT him after talking about HIDING his FEELINGS?_

_As Kirk winds up to hit Spock, we see Kirk's face. It doesn't look like all business and "we're all gonna DIE if you don't come to your senses" anymore. Now he just looks HURT, like he doesn't want to hear any excuses as to why Spock keeps his feelings inside._

_I submit that Kirk's last slap was out of hurt feelings, and THAT'S why Spock backhands him in return. Up until then it had been all 'I need you to be an officer right now' and shit, but then it got PERSONAL. FAST.)))_

Kirk gets back to his feet, "We've got to risk implosion. It's our only chance!"

"It's never been done," Spock repeats.

"Don't tell me that again, science officer!" Kirk yells, "It's a theory, it's possible! We may go up into the biggest ball of fire since the last sun in these parts exploded, but we've got to take that one in ten thousand chance!"

The bridge chimes in on the intercom then, asking if Kirk had found Mr. Spock.

"Yes, I found Mr. Spock!" Kirk exclaims, hitting the intercom button, "I'm talking to Mr. Spock, do you understand?!"

Now Kirk realizes that he's flying off the deep end, "I've got it. The disease."

_(((Okay, now the tables have turned. Once Spock hit Kirk he started to snap out of it (which is curious in and of itself) and now Kirk has gone off the deep end.)))_

He takes a moment, as if something inside is trying to push it's way out, then he says, "Love. You're better off without it and I'm better off without mine.

_(((Uh, WHOA. Be careful there, Jim, people were only_ so _blind in the 60s.)))_

"This vessel," Kirk continues, "I give, she takes. She won't permit in my life, I've gotta live hers."

"Jim…" Spock trails off, coming back to his senses.

_(((The look on Spock's face here is AMAZING. I can't even put it into words that do it justice. It's so yearning, caring, truly concerned…gah, just look at it if you can. Minute 41:56.)))_

"I have a beautiful Yeoman," Kirk begins, "Have you noticed her, Mr. Spock? You're allowed to notice her. Captain's not permit-" He stops himself from finishing the sentence.

_(((So a lot of people take this to mean that Kirk has a thing for Rand, to which I say this: Are you high? He's wayyyy too vague here. Admitting that a chick is pretty does not mean you have genuine feelings for her. I think Jessica Alba's hot, but I'd never go near her in a million years, she's too stupid. He could have just as easily said any woman was beautiful._

_The point is that we have never seen him long for Rand. He's either been downright rude to her or 100% business. He might think she's pretty, but he sure as crap ain't interested. It's really more of a "even if I WAS genuinely interested in Rand, I couldn't go for her" kind of thing._

_It also looks like he was about to say 'Captain's not permitted to have relations with crewmembers,' however that wouldn't make complete sense. We know that there's no regulation that permits that kind of thing…so…what? Captain's not permitted to what? He never says, so we'll never know.)))_

"Jim…" Spock says again, "There is an intermix formula."

Kirk looks around the room, still far gone, "Now I know why its called 'she.'"

"It's never been tested" Spock continues, "It's a theoretical relationship…between time and antimatter."

"Flesh" Kirk says, "A woman. To touch. To hold. A beach to walk on. A few days, no braid (?) on my shoulder."

_(((Aha, see? He doesn't say Rand, he says 'a woman.' He just wants_ someone _._

_Also worth pointing out: He starts out by saying 'flesh,' which is completely ambiguous. He then says 'woman' as a separate thought, not as a means to clarify the 'flesh' bit. When you listen to his tone, he could have just as easily said "man…a woman…" and it would've conveyed the exact same message. Of course if he had said that the show would have been just a tad cancelled.)))_

Then Scotty comes in.

_(((Whew! Take a breath and look at this scene as a whole. Ultimately, here's what happens: Kirk starts out sane, ends up insane. Spock starts out insane, ends up sane. **Kirk talks about not being able to have a relationship because of the Enterprise, Spock talks about being ashamed of his feelings for Jim.**_

_Helloooooo? Anyone else get the picture? This scene is a prime example of everything being hidden out in the open. If you just LOOK at the scene instead of letting it wash over you, it's all there. Loud and clear.)))_

Spock runs off with the equation that just might save their ass, and Scotty runs to get ready for said equation to be put into action.

Then Kirk says, to an empty room, "Never lose you…never."

_((( From the way he's looking around we're supposed to get that he's talking to the ship._

_Funny, he swears to never lose the ship…what happens at the end of The Search for Spock, again? I always seem to forget…something about Kirk losing the Enterprise to bring Spock back to life…ah well, must not be incredibly telling and crucial then. ::cough::)))_

Kirk pulls himself together and goes to the elevator to head to the bridge. He sees that "Sinner repent" has been painted on the elevator doors.

_(((Wtf is THAT supposed to mean? We know it's not just there for no reason. Those words were a conscious choice that was made. Spock sees 'love mankind,' which is a bit easier to figure out, but why does Kirk see 'sinner repent?' How did he sin?_

_My theory from a writer's perspective is that homosexuality is a Biblical sin, so it could be a message to Kirk that he needs to repent for his sin of loving another man, and the message to Spock was to just love (because we all know his deal with emotions)._

_It sounds a bit stretched, but that's the only even remotely valid explanation I can come up with for 'sinner repent.' Kirk even looks more determined after he sees it, like he doesn't plan on repenting. Like, "I will damn well love who I want to love, THANKS."_

_When I say it's the only thing I can come up with, it really is. I can't think of ANY other reason, slashy or not, as to why that 'sinner repent' is there.)))_

So Kirk gets to the bridge and, in the funniest damn part of the episode, McCoy rips Kirk's shirt open to give him a shot of the antidote he's figured out.

_(((It's like the studio was all "Shit, how do we got more nekkid Kirk flesh…uh…uh…have McCoy rip his shirt even though we've seen him give shots through clothes a million times before! Yes! That's it! Makes perfect sense!_

… _not that I'm complaining. The man had a sexy shoulder back in his day._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk takes his seat on the bridge and, as everybody's getting ready to try the theoretical this-better-as-fuck-save-our-ass formula, Kirk acts like he's gonna reach out and touch faith- I mean, Rand. But then he stops at the last second.

Kirk: "No beach to walk on."

_(((::Sigh:: Okay. We've all seen how Kirk treats Rand. He. Does. Not. Like. Her. Therefore, this moment makes no_ literal _sense. Symbolically it makes sense, though, because of what he talked about earlier in wanting to be in a relationship with_ someone _. So he reaches for_ someone _. Nothing even remotely romantic EVER comes about with Kirk and Rand._

_I like how Spock just so happened to be in engineering when this happened. 'Cause we all know who Kirk would have reached for if Spock had been there…_

_Also, bitch must have been blind to not see Kirk's big mitt coming at her face like that. Srsly.)))_

Long story short (too late), they try to the crazy insane formula, and it works! Huzzah!

Spock gets back to the bridge and stands next to Kirk's chair.

"Are you alright, Jim?" Spock asks.

Kirk nods, letting a small grin tug at the corner of his mouth, "You?

Spock does that infamous inner smile, and nods slightly.

_(((Well would you look at that? In about five seconds we see something fond and intimate pass between these two. Maybe Kirk will have a beach to walk on after all…_

_Such a cute moment.)))_

Oh hey, btw, they stumbled on the formula for time travel! Double huzzah!

Thus endeth The Naked Time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt - 4
> 
> Random Crewman Body Count - 5
> 
> Times a Disease Threatens the Crew - 1


	7. 1x07 Charlie X

**Season One, Episode Seven: Charlie X**

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1533.6: Now maneuvering to come alongside cargo vessel Antarius. Its captain and first officer are beaming over to us with an unusual passenger.

Kirk's made his way to the transporter room and the captain, first officer, and unusual first passenger are beamed aboard. Kirk introduces himself, and is then introduced to the unusual Charlie Evans who's about 17 years old and has some really pretty blue eyes.

_(((But holy crap is he unusual…as we shall see.)))_

After Kirk shakes his hand, there's an awkward silence from the captain and first officer. So what happens next? Why the only logical thing possible! Charlie gives a nice evil cross eyed glare at the captain and first officer and all of the sudden they start singing the boy's praises.

_(((Nothing unusual about that at all. Not. At. All._

_In fairness to Kirk, though, he didn't see Charlie's Cross Eyed Look of Doom.)))_

In the midst of the praise singing, the captain drops some useful info about how Charlie spent almost his whole life alone on a planet with only a few tapes to learn from.

They say they'd like to keep Charlie with them, but with his nearest relatives on a planet that the Enterprise is already passing by, well shucks, it only makes sense.

Charlie interrupts and says he'd like to see the ship.

Kirk gently tells him that interrupting is wrong.

Charlie apologizes but clearly seems a little weirded out.

Then Rand shows up, and it's all downhill from there. See, Rand is the first woman Charlie's ever seen, so naturally he's instantly in love with her.

_(((There were no women on the Antarius? I guess it's possible, there's only like 20 people on that ship to begin with.)))_

Title time!

_(((Once again the main crush in this episode has nothing to do with Kirk. Well, if you don't count his frequent interactions with Spock part of the main plot._

… _couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1533.7: We have taken aboard an unusual passenger for transport to colony Alpha 5. Charles Evans, the sole survivor of a transport crash fourteen years ago. A child, alone from age 3, has not only survived, but has grown to intelligent, healthy adolescence."

_(((Translation: Charlie = AWKWARD.)))_

Charlie is going through a med exam with McCoy in sickbay, and we learn that he learned to speak from tapes. As Charlie's leaving he asks if McCoy likes him. McCoy says 'why not?' And Charlie talks about the other ship didn't like him even though he tried, he really did.

_(((The unsubtle creepy music in the background tips us off that this is, in fact, creepy.)))_

Cut to Charlie watching a couple of engineers part ways, one of which slaps the other on the ass in that friendly "bye dude" way.

_(((Well this couldn't possibly be misinterpreted by an extremely sheltered teenager and end badly.)))_

Charlie then catches up with Rand in the hall and gives her perfume as a present. It's her favorite, actually, and there's none on board so how he got a hold of it is kind of a mystery, as Rand says. Charlie says goodbye with a good ol' slap on Rand's ass. Rand is understandably offended, but knows that he's just a kid and stays pretty darn calm about the whole thing. She suggests that he asks McCoy or Kirk to explain it.

Meanwhile on the bridge Kirk tells McCoy that Spock is putting together an academic kit of sorts for Charlie so he can caught up on earth history and such so hey wouldn't it be nice if McCoy could give Charlie a medical orientation on the problems of, you know, "adolescence?"

McCoy: "Don't you think it'd be better for a strong father figure image like you, he already looks up to you."

_(((Translation: Reeeeeeally don't wanna tell the weirdo about penis-in-vagina activity, cap'n. Kthx)))_

Kirk: "The job is yours, Bones, flattery will get you nowhere."

_(((Translation: I don't wanna and I'm the cap'n so I don't gotta.)))_

They all agree that Charlie needs a father image, and Kirk does his very best to put that responsibility on McCoy. When McCoy gives him a o.O look, Kirk says "I'll find him one," and walks off.

_(((Well this is interesting. Why is Kirk avoiding a paternal role? I get the feeling he's not crazy about the thought of having kids.)))_

Now we get a little scene in the recreation room, and behold! Spock playing the Vulcan lute! Uhura starts humming along with his tune, which annoys him to the point of stopping. Then it's apparently not annoying and he gives her a little smile and starts playing. Uhura then starts singing and proves why she's not on whatever-the-futuristic-equivalent-of Broadway is.

_(((I don't care if that sounds harsh…her voice grates on me. I don't have anything against Uhura but the singing…no…)))_

Charlie comes in, sits by Rand and does a few card tricks. One of the tricks is making three cards turn into three pictures of Rand.

_(((Not creepy at all. Not. At. All._

_Now comes a little scene that I just love to watch.)))_

Charlie finds Kirk and the following ensues:

Charlie: "Captain, I'm supposed to ask you something. Why shouldn't I…I don't know how to explain it."

Kirk: "Well say it right out, Charlie, that usually works."

_(((He's not being rude, he's being encouraging.)))_

Charlie: "Well in the corridor I saw…when Janice…when Yeoman Rand was…I did that to her," he slaps Kirk on the butt, "…she didn't like it. She said you would explain it to me."

_(((I love Kirk's reaction to being slapped. It's adorably awkward. The poor guy flounders throughout this whole thing, it's precious._

_Don't get me wrong, I love the Strong Smart Complex Confident Badass Captain Kirk as much as I possibly can, but damnit he can just be so CUTE. As he shall demonstrate.)))_

Kirk: "Me? I see…well, um…uhh…there are things you can do with a lady uh, Charlie, that you…uh…there's not a right way to hit a woman. I mean man to man is…one thing…but, uh, man and woman, uh…its um…its uh…well its uh…another thing. Do you understand?"

Charlie: "I don't know."

_(((Gawd, can I make you into a plush toy, Kirk? Please?)))_

Kirk is called to the bridge then, and Charlie tags along. The Antarius is trying to talk to the Enterprise, and right when Kirk gets there the connection goes dead. Whups, the Antarius is gone and Charlie is looking mighty awkward.

We come back from commercial to see Kirk and Spock playing a game of multi-level chess! Yay!

_(((Wheeeeeeeee let's watch 'em flirt!)))_

Kirk makes a chess move.

Spock: "You're mind is not on the game, captain."

Spock makes a move.

Spock: "Check. The Antarius?"

_(((Okay….no flirting yet…but that's okay! We're just getting started…)))_

Kirk: "A survey ship with twenty men aboard lost. No reason. Obviously captain Raymar wasn't aware of any trouble. I can't figure it."

Spock: "My own concern is more immediate. The boy."

Kirk: "I can usually follow you, Mr. Spock, but this time…"

Spock: "He seemed to know what happened to the Antarius before we did."

_(((Still no flirting? Geez…)))_

Speak of the devil, Charlie enters then.

Kirk: "I'd call that a pretty long reach for evidence, Mr. Spock. Come in Charlie."

Kirk makes another move in the game, then Spock makes another move.

Spock: "And again…check."

_(((STILL no flirting? Come on guys, this isn't like you two!)))_

Kirk makes one last move.

Kirk (fighting back a knowing smile): "Check mate."

_(((AHA! This 'all business' thing could only last so long!)))_

Spock: "Your illogical approach to chess does have it's advantages on occasion, captain."

Kirk: "I prefer to call it 'inspired.'"

Spock: "As you wish. At any rate, the game is yours."

_(((Teehee, Kirk just loves messing with Spock.)))_

Charlie asks to play, and Kirk gets up from his chair.

Kirk: "I place you in the hands of our chessmaster."

Kirk and Spock look at each other for a solid moment, then Kirk exits.

_(((Ahhhh, so they were saving the slashiest for last. Cunning little devils._

_No really, look at how they stare at each other for a second. Kirk even leaves with a smile. Adorable.)))_

Spock plays chess with Charlie and Charlie loses. Being the stupid adolescent that he is, he takes the loss hard. Spock leaves, and Charlie goes cross eyed and melts some of the chess pieces with his mind.

_(((Every time he goes cross eyed I laugh. It never fails. Someone should make a montage of all of Charlie's cross eyed moment. Hilarious.)))_

Charlie runs into Rand in the hall, who has a cute little blond named Tina with her. Rand tries to play matchmaker, but Tina may as well be invisible to him. Rand tries to explain how rude he's being, but Charlie just starts talking about how she smells and that she's just oh-so-amazing.

_(((Charlie clearly hasn't seen Starfleet's sexual harassment video.)))_

Cut to Rand explaining the situation to Kirk. Oooo, Kirk must get really jealous of Rand getting all this attention, yes? NEIN! He handles it like a friendly captain. Not a glimmer of oh-la-la in sight, folks.

Now Kirk and Charlie are in Kirk's quarters, and we get to see Kirk try to explain the birds and the bees again.

_(((Heehee…awkward Kirk makes my day.)))_

Charlie starts expressing how everything he does is wrong and he doesn't know what to do or who to be or how to be it.

_(((This confession makes it very clear that the point of this episode is the pain of adolescence. Charlie also has more power than he knows how to deal with, which is another thing teens have to deal with and adjust to. Unlike every other show these days that has dealt with this subject, it's not especially in your face or over the top when it comes to the message. Bravo, TOS.)))_

Now something amazingly INTERESTING happens.

Charlie: "If you care for someone, what do you do?"

There's a moment of silence.

Kirk: "You go slow. You be gentle. It isn't a one way street, you know, how you feel and that's all. How the girl feels too. Don't press, Charlie. If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know. You understand?"

_(((HmmmMMMMmmMmMmm…let's see here. When Kirk hits on a woman (one of the FEW times he does so out of an actual attraction) he doesn't take it slow at_ all _. He's all "LET US KISS WITH TONGUES!" and so on. In that case, if we ever see him take it slow and gentle with someone, then we'll really know that he truly cares. In fact, he only takes it slow and gentle and not pressing with one person in the whole damn show. Who was that again?_

…

_RIGHT.)))_

Kirk tries to gently tell Charlie that Rand just isn't the girl, but Charlie doesn't give up easily. Kirk finally gets a firm tone.

Kirk: "Charlie, there are a million things you can have in this world and a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but it's the way things are."

_(((Speaking from experience, eh Kirk? Now he might not be referring specifically to Spock, but thanks to_ The Naked Time _we know that Kirk longs for a relationship.)))_

Charlie: "Then what am I going to do?"

Kirk: "Hang on tight and survive. Everybody does."

Charlie: "You don't."

Kirk: " _Everybody_ , Charlie. Me too."

_(((Aw, it's otay Kirk. You'll get with Spock eventually, just wait for the first ST movie. =D_

_::Cough:: But that point shall be proved in the movie's analyzation. Moving on.)))_

The next scene is one of the most glorious things seen in all of TOS.

Kirk. Half naked. In red tights.

YEAH.

Kirk and Charlie are in the gym where Kirk is trying to teach the kid how to look good in tights- I mean…fight. Kirk tumbles around, Charlie tries to copy him but doesn't get it right off the bat. Kirk then throws and is thrown by a random crewmember, and Charlie tries to throw Kirk but fails miserably. He's clearly distracted by Kirk's toned body.

_(((Okay, so maybe he's not. But I am. Jesus.)))_

The random crewmember laughs at Charlie's failed attempts, and Charlie gets all angsty, goes cross eyed, and the guy disappears.

Well now Kirk is pissed, as he proves by standing up straight, putting his hands on his hips, and staring pointedly.

_(((It's one of the sexiest shots of Kirk in the whole show. I do declare I dun got the vapors! Whew. It's at 27:56 if you wanna have a look. =P_

_Oh yes, and don't forget the tights. They are TIGHT around EVERYWHERE. If you GET my subtle HINTS._

_What was that? Plot? Oh yeah.)))_

Kirk demands to know what happened, and all Charlie says it that he's gone. Kirk calls security to take Charlie to his quarters and Charlie doesn't want this to happen to the point that only his eyes are in lit in the following shots of him.

_(((Seriously, why does this lighting thing happen? Subtlety, thy name is not TOS. Not at this moment, anyway._

_It's pretty hilarious though.)))_

Security arrives and Charlie knocks them down with a thought, then makes their phasers disappear. This upsets Kirk so much that he steps into some eye-only lighting of his own. Kirk demands him to his quarters, and they have a staring contest.

Commercial.

Back from commercial, where the eye-only-lighting-staring-contest is still in full swing. Charlie eventually gives in, and Kirk is still half naked.

_(((Just thought that bared mentioning.)))_

Uhura reports from the bridge that all phasers have vanished. Fun!

Kirk meets with Spock and McCoy in the briefing room.

Spock says there's a legend about people who can 'transmute' objects, and that Charlie seems to have this power. Kirk wonders if Charlie's even human, but McCoy says that he's exactly like one (physically).

Spock says Charlie is probably the cause of what happened to the Antarius, which indicates a total disregard for human life. McCoy wonders what to do with him, Kirk says they most certainly can't take him to Earth colony 5 for obvious reasons. McCoy and Spock agree that the conflict needs to stay between Kirk and Charlie because Charlie seems to look up to him.

Speak of the cross eyed, in comes Charlie!

Kirk asks Charlie point blank if he destroyed the Antarius. Charlie admits to it and says he did it 'cause they weren't nice to him. Long story short (too late): This is a serious problem.

Next thing you know Kirk and Spock get to the bridge and Kirk orders to head away from Earth colony 5. Uhura gets the shit shocked out of her at her station, which is weird 'cause she just checked it a few minutes ago. Spock goes to report, but Charlie's on the bridge now and makes him burst into poetry.

Charlie knows they're trying to change course, and well he just won't let that happen. He makes Spock spit out a couple of more lines of poetry and finds it funny. Kirk, however, does not. He demands that Charlie leaves his crew alone.

_(((I love seeing Kirk get protective of his crew. He's also playing the alpha dog in an attempt to reign Charlie in, but still. Protective Kirk. Yay.)))_

Once again, Charlie backs down. He leaves the bridge and goes to Rand (but not before turning Tina into a lizard) to give her a flower. Rand is having none of it, fed up with Charlie's behavior. In true stalker fashion, he tells her to never lock her door on him again. He advances towards her and we go to commercial.

_(((Whoa there, Star Trek, did you just strongly imply rape? Since we come back from commercial and they're still just standing and talking we know that nothing happened, but still. Whoa.)))_

Rand, in a highly rare display of intelligence, secretly contacts the bridge so Kirk can hear them talking. Kirk calls for Spock and they both dash off to the rescue. They arrive in the nick of time, but Charlie simply throws them against the wall with a look.

_(((Check out how they fall against each other. This isn't the only time they have copious amounts of unnecessary touching. Hawt.)))_

Charlie makes Rand disappear.

_(((Yay! Oh wait, I mean booooo.)))_

Now it's time for the best part of the episode (yes, even better than half nekkid Kirk).

Charlie says that Rand wasn't nice, and that they (Kirk and Spock) aren't nice either but he needs Kirk to run the ship. It was easy to run the Antarius 'cause it was uber small, but the Enterprise is like totally huge and complicated and shit. During this whole schpeal, Kirk and Spock are still on the floor near the wall, close to each other.

_(((Not close in an overtly slashy way, but hey they're still close.)))_

Charlie starts hurting Kirk with his mind for a little bit, and Spock moves his hand like he wants to console him, but decides against it. The Vulcan is looking mighty worried.

_(((I'm not making this up, it's right there.)))_

Kirk stands up.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "My legs. They're broken."

_(((Now before you go all 'shouldn't be in pain or something' on me, Vulcans have the ability to suppress pain. Spock shows us later in the series that he's capable of suppressing extreme amounts of pain, so it's no biggie that he's pretty darn calm about having broken legs. Oh and Charlie broke them, not the fall, so I can't say 'Yay 60s.' Darn.)))_

Ready for the best part? XD

Kirk looks at Charlie with a grave expression, "Let him go too, Charlie."

"Why?" Charlie asks.

"Because I'm telling you to," Kirk snaps, "Because you need me to run the ship, and I need him."

_(((He doesn't say "I need him to run the ship" or "I need my first officer" he just says "I need him."_

_I. NEED. HIM._

_Forget about the fact that those words are seriously ambiguous and telling, look at how he says it! Grit, conviction, certainty. DON'T. FUCK. WITH. SPOCK. Gorgeous._

_I love seeing Kirk protective of his crew, but seeing Kirk protective of Spock, especially like THIS, takes the cake.)))_

Charlie looks at Spock, considering what has just been said. He then fixes Spock's legs, and Kirk looks grim but highly relieved.

_(((Okay, so the 'I need him' line is pretty well known to us K/S shippers, but I noticed something that I'd never seen before. Look at Kirk' expression after Spock's legs are healed. It's at 38:21._

_Yet again I've gotta hand it to Shatner, because even though the shot lasts about two seconds and Kirk doesn't say anything, we get bitch slapped by the energy of the character's inner life. To cut to the chase, his expression says this: "You're okay and that means everything to me but I can't get emotional right now because we're in trouble so I'll steady myself and keep going."_

_BRAVO, Shatner._

_Oh yes, and what about Charlie's expression after Kirk says that he needs Spock? Kirk has been talking to this kid the entire damn episode about relationships, and it looks like Charlie finally gets the freaking message. And when does he get the message? When Kirk says that he needs Spock. To cut to the chase again, Charlie's expression says "Oh I get it, you need Spock the way I need Rand…well I guess I'll let him go then."_

_Ack, hold on. I've gotta go pin down my mind, the damn thing keeps reeling.)))_

So Kirk walks Charlie right into a prison cell with a force field door and steps next to Spock, nodding for him to activate the field. Charlie makes the entire wall disappear and renders both Spock and Kirk motionless.

_(Ahem, Kirk and Spock are standing wayyyyyyyy close for this. They're bodies are touching, for chrissake.)))_

Charlie says they'll be sorry, lets them move again, and walks off.

Charlie wanders through the ship, fucking with crew.

Cut to everyone, including Charlie, on the bridge. Uhura reports that a message is coming in from another ship, but she can't hear it. Kirk suspects Charlie of blocking the message and Charlie says he's done plotting the ship's course for the Earth colony. He then flees the bridge.

Kirk decides to take him on, but McCoy and Spock insist that the idea is crazy. The three deduce that Charlie seems to be stretching the limits of his power by controlling the entire ship, and that turning on even more of the ship's components might weaken him to the point of being able to either exhaust or overpower him.

Charlie appears on the bridge again and takes Kirk's seat. Spock and McCoy start turning on everything on the bridge. Charlie's getting nervous, and Kirk challenges him. Kirk throws Charlie across the room but Charlie takes him down by causing him pain with his mind. Kirk goes to punch the kid, but the message is coming through now.

Suddenly Rand appears on the bridge.

Kirk isn't particularly ecstatic.

The message seems to be coming from a green blurry thing of no particular substance.

Charlie starts begging to not let "them" take him.

And now a big green disembodied head of an old man appears on the bridge, all floaty and ominous!

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Charlie clearly doesn't wanna go with the head thing. The head thing talks about how they hadn't realized Charlie had escaped, and that they've returned everything that has disappeared. Charlie begs to stay on the Enterprise, apologizing for everything and swearing he'll never do it again.

Kirk actually takes mercy on the kid, and tries to convince the head thing that Charlie can stay. The head thing says that Charlie will always use his power no matter what.

_(((How many times has a teen said he'll never do it again, and then done it anyway? Exactly.)))_

The Thesians (the head things) take Charlie to their ship and leave.

Rand is still distressed, and Kirk kind of half-asses an "it's all over now" bit to her without even really looking at her. But then he makes a point to look back and up at Spock, who's looking right at him as well.

_(((MmmmmHM.)))_

Thus endeth Charlie X.

_(((So wait, what the fuck was Charlie? Was he a Thesian? Given the dialogue, we can't really be sure. Half Thesian, half human? Odd, but maybe. We're left to wonder.)))_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Times Spock is injured - 2
> 
> Times Kirk rips/has no shirt - 5


	8. 1x08 The Balance of Terror

**Season One, Episode Eight: The Balance of Terror**

Wedding bells are (hypothetically) ringing on the Enterprise as people get ready for two of the crewmembers to get hitched.

_(((Don't get too excited, the spouses-to-be aren't Kirk and Spock. Drat.)))_

Kirk arrives on the scene and contacts Spock on the bridge, who tells him that they still don't have an answer from Earth outpost #2, and now #3 has shut up, too. Kirk gives orders to maintain course to outpost #4 and to keep him informed.

Kirk takes his place at the front of the room and Scotty escorts the pretty brunette bride to her groom's side.

_(((Uhhh…can I just say that the groom looks an awful lot like Kirk. Maybe not_ exactly _like him, but he's got the same hair and he's the same type of good looking, only his mouth is a little weird._

_Why is this important? We shall see.)))_

Kirk starts a nice little speech, where we learn the names of the happy couple (Angela and Robert).

But, alas, the shit INSISTS on hitting the fan and the red alert goes off. Earth outpost #4 is under attack by unknown villains, and everyone scatters to their positions. We are then treated to some lovely, lovely opening titles.

Kirk: "Captain's log, star date 1709.2: Patrolling outposts guarding the neutral zone between planets Romulus and Remus and the rest of the galaxy. Received emergency call from outpost four. The USS Enterprise is moving to investigate and assist."

Kirk arrives on the bridge and their about eight minutes away from the outpost.

Kirk then makes an announcement to the crew.

Kirk: "This is the captain speaking. In our next action we can risk neither calculation nor error by any man aboard. Listen carefully. Science officer?"

_(((For sake of not being bored to death, let's Cliffs Notes the following bit, eh?)))_

Spock talks about a conflict between Earth and Romulus that happened like a bajillion years ago…back in that stone age time nobody had ship-to-ship visual communications so nobody has any idea what the Romulans looks like…Romulans are supposed to be total crazy, war hungry loons…if anyone goes into the neutral zone it's considered an act of war so no touchy…

Then Kirk finishes the speech-fest with stuff about how his orders are pretty damn firm…the Romulans could blow up the universe and that wouldn't be reason enough to violate the treaty…but oh hey we can defend ourselves if we need to so that's cool…oh yeah and all of our lives are totally expendable.

Kirk talks a walk around the bridge and random crewman Stiles suggests that they intercept the vessel that attacked 'cause they know it attacked the outpost.

_(((Well SOMEBODY sure as shit hasn't been paying attention.)))_

We find out that Stiles knows a bit about the war with the Romulans 'cause a lot of members of his family died in that war. Kirk is quick to remind him that it was THEIR war, not OURS.

Spock chimes in to say that two outposts have been pulverized.

_(((Way to bring in the joy there, Spock.)))_

Kirk goes back to his seat, Spock watches him.

_(((Now okay, there are obvious, nonslashy, reasons as to why Spock would keep looking at Kirk in such a tense situation. However it DOES look like Spock checks out Kirk's ass for a bit, so those looking for footage that can be very easily be made slashy, here you go. Don't say I never gave you nothin'.)))_

Kirk orders everyone to battle stations. Kirk and Spock trade a long, grim look.

_(((Not a long SEXYOMGHAWT look, a grim one. Aw shucks. It's still a nice moment, though.)))_

Now we get to see the almost bride and groom at their posts, having this cute little exchange:

Robert: "Happy wedding day…almost."

Angela: "You won't get off my hook this easily. I'm gonna marry you, mister. Battle or phaser weapons notwithstanding."

Robert: "Well meanwhile, temporarily at least, I'm still you're superior officer. So get with it, mister."

_(((Say whuuuuuuuuut? The guy who looks like Kirk is the SUPERIOR OFFICER to his betrothed? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.)))_

_(((Now this is obviously a loose link, but it's still pretty interesting. Oh, and make a mental note that they both said mister.)))_

Now we're treated to a somewhat brief moment of Kirk leaning near Spock to look into Spock's scanner with him.

_(((Closeness. It's cute.)))_

They finally get into contact with a guy on an outpost. Long story short: The outpost the guy is on is almost gone and he can't locate the intruding ship 'cause it kinda disappeared.

They talk to the guy, Kirk and Spock trade looks, Kirk looks particularly attractive- ZOMG a ship!

Kirk orders to warn the ship off but before you can say "obviously lovers" the ship fires, destroys the outpost, and vanishes into thin space.

Spock notices that the ship appeared for only a moment, and Kirk deduces that they must have to appear to fire their weapons.

They've got a blip on the radar, and it's headed towards the neutral zone. Kirk thinks the invisibility both ways, and Kirk orders for the ship to 'mirror' the Romulans.

Random crewman Stiles points out that there could be Romulan spies aboard the ship, and the musical score reacts accordingly.

Uh oh, the Romulans are sending communication signals of some kind. Spock locks onto it, and the Enterprise gets footage of the Romulans and see them for the very first time.

The catch? Romulans looks suspiciously like…like Vulcans!

We get a good solid few seconds of everyone's O.O reaction. Spock seems to find it kinda interesting, everyone else is pretty damn dumb struck, but Kirk looks particularly harrowed.

We come back from commercial to see Kirk watching Stiles watch Spock. Kirk is quick but casual to approach Stiles, and this bit happens.

Kirk wanders over to Uhura and asks, "Is it coming?"

"Cryptography is working on it, sir," Uhura responds dutifully.

"Give it to Spock," Stiles chimes in under his breath.

Kirk approaches his crewman, calm but definitely steely, "Didn't quite get that, Mr. Stiles."

"Nothing, sir," Stiles replies, trying to save himself.

"Repeat it," Kirk orders.

Stiles can't keep the insinuation out of his tone, "I was suggesting that Mr. Spock could probably translate it for you, sir."

"I assume you're complimenting Mr. Spock on his ability to decode," Kirk states knowingly.

Stiles' words are thin, "I'm not sure, sir."

Kirk turns his crewman's chair around and gets right in his face, "Well here's one thing you can be sure of, mister," he snaps, "Leave any bigotry in your quarters, there's no room for it on the bridge.

_(((Translation: NOBODY INSULTS SPOCK Y'HEAR? NOT NOBODY, NOT NO HOW!)))_

Do I make myself clear?"

"You do, sir," Stiles says, clearly put in his place.

_(((Awwwwww, well you know me, I just love to watch Kirk get all defensive over Spock, and this is a great example. We also get to see that Kirk's mind is pretty darn open, and he expects nothing less from his crew._

_Ah yes, watch Spock during this exchange. He's blatantly listening and…is that…concern? HmmmMmMMMMmmm…)))_

_(((Oh yes, and Kirk throws a 'mister' in there. Just one more thing that connects Kirk to the engaged couple.)))_

Now the Romulans are in view, and we get to see what's going on with guys who look like Vulcans. The Romulan captain insists on going invisible instead of just running from the 'mirror.' The captain's 2nd in command wonders why the Enterprise doesn't just attack, and the captain answers that they must be observing before attacking, which is something he would do.

_(((So Kirk and the Romulan captain think alike. Got it.)))_

The Romulan commander plans on having an incident with the Enterprise that will instigate a war for the Romulans, which is their equivalent of a really wicked kegger but the captain is a little hesitant to set up the bong.

Back on the Enterprise, they see that the Romulans are still heading towards the neutral zone.

Time for a briefing room scene! Woo!

Spock holds a scrap of the outside of the outpost, which is the hardest substance known to science, and he crumbles it into his hand so we get a good grip on how powerful the Romulans are. The question of the day from Kirk is: "Can we engage them with a reasonable possibility of victory?"

_(((What's this? Kirk is just blasting the Romulans into oblivion and to hell with the consequences? NEIN! He's doing his very best to avoid that situation. This whole episode is a great example of how Kirk is actually more of a law-abider than a rebel. Unless Spock is involved, then Starfleet can just fuck off…but that's another story.)))_

Scotty says they can take on the Romulans, and Stiles suggests that they attack immediately. Sulu chimes in that the Romulans are just a wee bit INVISIBLE right now, but Stiles offers a somewhat credible solution. Stiles big huff is that the Romulans can't get back to their people and report that the Enterprise chickened out because then they'd think humans were pussies and attack.

_(((Keep an eye on Kirk during this debate. At one point he looks over at Spock for a good solid few moments, just to check in. How sneaky of you, Kirk.)))_

When Sulu keeps up the debate, Stiles finally blows up.

Stiles: "These are Romulans! You run away from them and you guarantee war. They'll be back. Not just one ship, but with everything they've got."

Stiles looks directly at Spock.

Stiles: "You know that, Mr. Science Officer, you're the expert in these people."

Kirk looks from Stiles to Spock, ready and waiting for Stiles to step over the line.

Stiles: "But you've always left out that one point. Why? I am very interested in  _why_."

Kirk: "Sit down, mister."

_(((Yeah that's right, Kirk will only let you go so far when it comes to Spock. I wasn't kidding about Kirk waiting for the guy to go to far, look at him as he listens. It's all there.)))_

_(((Kirk says 'mister' again…that's the fourth 'mister' in one episode. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Check your law books. I know you won't.)))_

Spock suggests attacking 'cause the Romulans are going through their uber-brutal stage as a species, so weakness would not be the best thing to show right now.

Next thing you know, the briefing room gets wind of a nearby comet, and the Romulans are pretty close to it. What does this mean? It means that if the Romulans pass through the tail of the comet, the Enterprise will be able to see it. Kirk orders all hands to battle stations.

We're led into commercial by a swell of music and a really terrific shot of a grim Kirk walking down the hall.

The Enterprise is just waiting for the Romulans to pass through the comet tail, and over on the Romulan' ship they're planning to suddenly turn on the Enterprise but HA! The Enterprise isn't following them anymore!

The Enterprise never sees the Romulans go through the tail 'cause the Romulans are smart like that, but Kirk has the ship fire anyway, taking an educated guess. The Romulans are hit! Joy!

During the confrontation, the control circuit for the phasers burned out! Sorrow!

Spock starts repairing the circuit! Joy!

The Romulans fire on the Enterprise! Sorrow!

Kirk orders the ship thrown into reverse as they try to get away from the oncoming Romulan fire. Phasers are still down. Shit is hitting the fan.

Rand decides to pop up and ask a stupid question, and this happens:

Rand: "Captain, should I continue log entry or-"

Kirk: "Yeoman…"

_(((…we're all gonna die and start a huge war and that is SUPER depressing, what the FUCK do I care about log entries for?)))_

Kirk steps away.

Kirk: "Affirmative, continue log entries."

_(((Romantic drama? Not at all. Dumb bitch bugging the captain? Yes, sir.)))_

Everyone braces themselves for impact. Kirk and Rand hold onto each other.

_(((Except for the obvious 'we're about to get hit' mentality, there's nothing else going on. They don't look at each other, they don't make out ferociously, they just hang onto each other to prepare for impact.)))_

Boom! Explosion! The camera's tilting! Everybody fall! AHHH!

And NOW the phasers are operational. Great timing.

Spock throws out the idea that maybe the Romulans will think they're destroyed.

Kirk: "I wouldn't make that assumption. I don't think their captain will either."

_(((So Kirk and the Romulan captain think alike. Got it.)))_

Kirk orders that they go back to mirroring them, and the Romulans notice.

_(((Now here comes one of my favorite little 'Spock is awesome' moments.)))_

Spock stops by Stiles' station, leans in  _really_  close, looks at him, and walks off.

_(((Why Spock, you SNARKY BASTARD. We all know the only reason you went over there was to bug Stiles with your Vulcan-ness. Bravo, sir. Bravo. XD )))_

Now the question is whether or not they should violate the treaty and fire, since the Romulans did.

_(((Firing now would be a violation because it wouldn't be classified as self-defense.)))_

McCoy's argument: Once on the Romulan's side of the neutral zone they could claim the pesky humans started it.

Spock's argument: They're still on Earth's side of the neutral zone.

Kirk's decision: Let's blow 'em away NOW.

_(((Heh, he took Spock's advice.)))_

Kirk has Uhura send Starfleet a message that they'll be going into the neutral zone, breaking a few laws, and trying their best to not die which just might include a treaty violation or two.

Suddenly, there's no motion from the Romulans and they can't find them anymore, but Kirk thinks the enemy ship is just laying low nearby with no power to make it look like they've gone so Kirk orders for the Enterprise to do the same. Basically, they're playing the waiting game.

Then Spock approaches Kirk on a darkened bridge:

Spock: "I must make further repairs to the transfer coil, it's giving out again."

Kirk: "Alright, Mr. Spock, work quietly."

_(((Be veeeewwy vewwy quiet…we're hunting Womulans!)))_

Both ships wait.

Nearly ten hours passes.

Both ships…are still waiting.

Kirk is laying down in his quarters when Rand comes in to see if he needs coffee or anything. Naturally he perks up at the cute blonde that he constantly flirts with enters the room, yes? HA! Please. Kirk's reaction to Rand's presence looks like this: -.-

McCoy comes in. Kirk's reaction his friend's presence looks like this: =)

_(((Kirk's love for Rand is passionate. And by 'passionate' I mean 'non-existent.')))_

Rand runs off to be stupid somewhere else, and now Kirk and McCoy are alone.

Now HERE'S an interesting bit:

Kirk: "I wish I was on a long sea voyage somewhere. Not too much deck tennis, no frantic dancing, no responsibility."

Kirk pauses to let the dramatic music fade in, then continues.

Kirk: "Why me? I look around that bridge and I see the men waiting for me to make the next move. Bones, what if I'm wrong?"

_(((The great and powerful Kirk is insecure sometimes? NO. WAY._

_That's one of the things I love about Kirk, though. He has a BRAIN and he knows that he's perfectly capable of fucking up, he even fears it because he knows the serious repercussions that come with a Starfleet captain's false step. He's not just this guna a-blazin' space cowboy, the man is vulnerable. Brilliant.)))_

McCoy: "Captain-"

Kirk: "No, I don't really expect an answer."

McCoy: "But I've got one. Something I seldom say to a…customer, Jim. In this galaxy it is a mathematical probability of three million Earth type planets. And in all the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of each of us. Don't destroy the one named Kirk."

_(((Way to go, McCoy, you give him the 'believe in yourself' speech the best way you know how! Even if it is just a touch slashy, no one will notice! I mean hell, look at what Spock and Kirk get away with!_

_But really, as for this moment being McCoy/Kirk slashy…eh, I can see it coming from McCoy in this ONE moment, sure, but on the whole it's not terribly substantial at all.)))_

Now back on the bridge, Spock is just finishing his work on the blown circuit and accidentally turns on a device, which makes a noise and gives their game away.

The Romulans now have their enemy's position and make their move. Kirk anticipates this and fires back.

On the Romulan ship, a random crewman addresses the captain.

Random crewman: "How?! How?!"

Romulan captain: "He's a sorcerer, that one. He reads the thoughts in my brain."

_(((So KIRK and the ROMULAN captain THINK alike. GOT it.)))_

After some more fire is traded, Kirk hears from Scotty that Tomlinson is manning the phaser room alone and Stiles volunteers his experience and runs off to help.

_(((Finally, the douchebag does something worthwhile. It only took him 42 minutes.)))_

Later on, Spock arrives in the phaser room to get an update and ask if they'll need any assistance. Stiles acts like an ass to the Vulcan simply for being a Vulcan (again) and Spock leaves. The second he does, a purple smoke is released in the phaser room and both Stiles and Tomlinson go down. Kirk orders phasers fired, and when nothing happens Spock runs back into the phaser room and does it himself.

The Romulan ship is nailed, and the Romulan captain insists that they go down with the ship instead of accepting the help that Kirk offers 'cause it's their duty and shit.

The Romulans die. The Enterprise wins. Joy is had by all.

Now we come to my favorite moment in the episode.

McCoy is examining Stiles in sick bay, who is laying on an exam table while Spock is standing next to him.

Kirk enters, sees who's where, and asks, "You alright, Mr. Spock?"

_(((Nevermind the crewman who's laying on his back in sick bay, but are YOU okay standing there looking just fine, Spock?_

_Man, and I was so close to getting through an episode without that damn mind reeling.)))_

Stiles says that Spock saved his life, and Spock says that he merely saved a crewman and that he was incapable of feeling any particular way about it.

_(((Which, as we all know, is a LIE. Spock is a big ol' bag of emotion, we've all seen it!)))_

Kirk hears that Tomlinson, the guy who was supposed to get married today, died. The would-be bride is in the chapel.

Kirk goes to her and comforts her by saying "It never makes any sense."

The bride insists that she's fine and, well with the way she says it we kinda believe her.

The last shot is of Kirk, though, and we're not exactly sure if HE'S fine.

_(((What a softie.)))_

Thus endeth Balance of Terror.

_(((So the theory that the engaged couple kinda holds up on its own, but here's something to strengthen it: We all know that the Romulan captain and his second were supposed to be a parallel for Kirk and Spock. This is obvious. When you add the fiances as a parallel, it all snaps into focus. It's like this episode was about showing us Kirk and Spock from a professional point of view, and Kirk and Spock from an intimate point of view. One one hand, they work well together, depend on each other, trust each other. On the other hand they play together, tease each other, love each other. In both cases one of them dies, leaving the relationships ultimately unfulfilled, just like Kirk and Spock are at this point in time. Mhm. Yeah.  
_

_Many thanks to_ _Eva Drayon for dropping a comment on this episode that made me think about this aspect.)))_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No stats to update.


	9. Chapter 9

**Season One, Episode Nine: What Are Little Girls Made Of?**

We join Kirk on the bridge. The Enterprise is quickly approaching a planet. Kirk approaches Nurse Chapel.

_(((Yay, Chapel finally gets some air time. Unlike Rand, she's not a total IDIOT who's in love with a man who will never want her, she's a somewhat intelligent woman who's in love with a man who will never want her. Big difference, I feel.)))_

We find out that Chapel gave up her original career to join a Starfleet ship. Chapel looks at the display screen and says, "I know he's alive down there, captain."

_(((Uh…who's 'he?')))_

Kirk: "It's been five years since his last message."

_(((Okay, who's 'his' then? Helloooo?)))_

Chapel: "Roger's a very determined man. He'd find a way to live."

_(((Ohhh, it's Roger. Okay._

… _who the fuck is Roger? INFO, episode. GIVE US SOME.)))_

Uhura: "Beginning signals to surface, sir."

Kirk crosses from his chair to the railing near Spock's station.

Kirk (looking at Spock but answering Uhura): "Put it on all frequencies, lieutenant."

Spock turns in his chair to look at Kirk. Kirk grins and nods for him to go ahead.

_(((Why HELLO there Slashy McGee, I have missed you so. You were only somewhat vague when we last saw you, good to see you've gotten your strength back._

_There's really not much I can SAY about this moment…it's all right there on the screen from :58 to 1:03. It's like they haven't spoken in a while and Kirk is giving a little quiet, fond greeting. It happens quickly, but it's still there. It counts.)))_

We find out from Spock that the planet below is similar enough to Earth to be safe, but the surface temperature is way below zero. He then tells us that Roger Corby is a scientist who's medical translations have created breakthroughs in our immunology…or whatever.

Kirk: "Required reading at the Academy, Mr. Spock…I've always wanted to meet him."

_(((That last bit, 'I've always wanted to meet him' sounds a touch personal, wouldn't you say?_

_What am I implying? Nothing I can really prove or is as blatant as Kirk's fawning over what's-his-name in the pilot…but some interesting stuff happens. Onward.)))_

Kirk asks if there's any chance of Corby being alive, and Spock doesn't reply in that grave, foreboding kind of way that suggests the answer is a pretty solid "nope."

Meanwhile, they still haven't gotten a response from the planet. Chapel says that Corby's last message to her was about finding some caverns, and Kirk has to squelch her hopefulness by saying that, since that message, two search parties have failed to find him.

_(((Way to be a ray o' sunshine, Kirk._

_Now wait, who the hell is Chapel to Corby? Do we know yet? No. Hmm…)))_

At LAST, they hear a voice from the planet below.

Voice: "Enterprise…Enterprise…this is Roger Corby. Repeating: This is Dr. Roger Corby. Do you read me, Enterprise?"

Well they read you, but unfortunately they're all in the middle of close ups and stunned expressions right now. Give 'em a second.

Oh, no wait. Opening titles. Make that 'second' a 'minute' then.

Kirk: "Captain's log, star date 2712.4: A signal from planet Exo III. Dr. Roger Corby has been located. He and part of his expedition remaining alive due to the discovery of underground ruins left by the former inhabitants of this world."

Kirk is in his chair, chattin' with the Corbster. Corby requests that Kirk come completely alone, the discoveries he's made might require Kirk to make 'an extraordinary decision.'

Then this little bit happens:

Spock: "It is an unusual request."

Kirk: "But the man making it is Roger Corby."

Spock (to Chapel): "You're certain you'd recognize his voice?

Chapel: "Have you ever been engaged, Mr. Spock?"

Kirk looks over at Spock, highly amused.

Spock's eyebrow does a little jump, like he doesn't quite understand.

Chapel: "Yes, it's Roger."

_(((Now why in the universe would Kirk be amused at the notion of Spock being engaged? Vulcans get married all the time, so there's nothing odd about that. Spock puts on a great "I don't have any feelings" act but we all know, INCLUDING Kirk, that it's just a Vulcan front to hide his human half…so why? Why would Spock getting engaged amuse Kirk? You know, I bet there's some incredibly obvious reason…but gosh darn it…it escapes me at the moment…maybe it's 'cause my mind isn't here right now. It's reeling. I should go catch it. Brb._

_Okay back. Now, about Chapel. Apparently she's been engaged this whole time, which now makes her big "ZOMG LOVE YOU" scene to Spock a bit more interesting. Way more interesting that anything Rand ever did.)))_

Chapel and Corby have a reunion chat, and they're both very happy to speak with each other.

Kirk and Chapel beam down to the caverns of Exo III to find that the welcome party is a little lacking. And by 'lacking' I mean 'completely absent.'

Kirk then realizes that he didn't bring along any expendable, red-shirted random crewman, so he calls Spock and orders down a couple.

Kirk has one poor schmuck stay at the beam down point, and the other poor schmuck gets to tag along.

Kirk, Chapel, and a random crewman journey into the caves. Chapel accidentally kicks a rock off of a ledge to let us all know that falling off it would like totally SUCK.

A huge light comes on then, and a man stands in front of it. Realizing that the whole 'huge spotlight' thing was a little ridiculous, the man turns it off.

Then we hear the random crewman fall off the ledge.

Kirk asks if there's a way to save him, and the man replies that there isn't. Joy.

Then we get to see some huge, bald green dude with AMAZING shoulder pads and a collar that would make Dracula jealous sneaking away into the caverns.

We find out that the stranger's name is Brown, and he's Corby's assistant. Kirk would care a little more, but he's just lost a crewman so he's a bit down. He calls the other random crewman that's at the beam down point to check in and give him some instructions which will never reach the ship 'cause the freaky bald dude with the AMAZING shoulder pads kills him the second Kirk is finished.

Brown leads Kirk and Chapel through the caverns and tries his best to bore us to death with Exo III's history.

They finally arrive at the place Corby's been living, which is sparsely decorated.

Then the most beautiful girl in all of Star Trek TOS walks in.

_(((In my opinion, anyway.)))_

Chapel is suspicious and very, 'Who the fuck is this chick and how long has she been scantily clad and underground with my fiancé?'

Kirk is pretty darn neutral about the whole 'pretty girl' thing.

The woman introduces herself as Andrea.

Kirk is still pretty damn neutral. Not a grin in sight.

_(((AGAIN, with the 'meh' response to great beauty, Kirk? Srsly?)))_

Corby enters and proceeds to make out with Chapel for a second. Kirk seems either amused or interested in the make out session.

_(((Voyeur much?)))_

Long scene short: Brown pulls a gun on Kirk and Corby reveals that he can't let Kirk communicate with his ship until all is explained.

Kirk, being not a dumbass, is immediately alarmed and takes Andrea's weapon from her, using her as a body shield before rolling behind a table two feet away for no good reason.

_(((Behold! A pointless roll! =D )))_

Kirk's dashing attempt to escape is thwarted when the big bald dude comes in and lifts him up against the wall, but not before Kirk shoots at Brown and reveals the man's insides to be robotic parts! Androids! Octoliebe!

Next thing you know, Kirk is talking with the Spock on the Enterprise. Spock says that "they" were worried 'cause Kirk had missed his check in, and before the short convo ends makes sure to ask if Kirk is alright because he 'sounds tired.'

_(((Worry much?_

… _heehee…)))_

Unfortunately it wasn't Spock talking, it was the big bald dude named Ruck. Kirk was busy being forced to watch with dramatic light on his eyes.

Corby insists that Kirk needs to trust him and learn everything before making a final judgment. Corby has Ruck impersonate Andrea, and Ruck continues and mocks Corby, then Chapel.

Corby: "You are not to mock Christine."

Kirk: "Or disobey an order from her."

_(((Smooth, Kirk. Smooooooth.)))_

Corby takes Kirk's advice though, and gives Ruck that order as well.

Corby has to keep Kirk prisoner because otherwise Kirk would have to report his findings and he couldn't let his findings be compromised at this moment.

Ruck reveals that he's more than an average android. He was created by 'the old ones' and when Corby got there he used the 'the old ones' technology to create Brown.

Kirk thinks they're all bat shit insane and makes a break for it. Ruck, however, throws Kirk to the ground about as easily as one might throw a thick book.

Cut to Andrea talking to Chapel. Andrea just doesn't get how Chapel could love Corby without trusting him completely 'cause that's like totally untrusting.

Corby, Kirk and Ruck are suddenly revealed to be in the room, and Corby starts to explain some things. But first, Andrea reveals herself to be an android.

_(((Say WHAT?! But Andrea and Kirk were all set to have hot man-on-woman sexy sex, right? NYET! There hasn't been anything going on with them before the whole "btw robot" reveal and now there obviously never will be. How surprising…not really.)))_

Corby goes on to describe how life-like Andrea is, and Chapel accuses him of making a 'mechanical geisha.' Corby says that Andrea is incapable of that, she merely follows orders and there's no emotional bond. Corby provides an example by having Andrea kiss Kirk, then slap him. She does both with the same amount of duty.

_(((Kirk isn't particularly thrilled by kissing her…but then he's kissing a robot…and a non-Spock robot at that._

… _couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk still doesn't understand a lot of what  _exactly_  is going on, and Corby decides to answer his questions by making an android version of Kirk himself. We're brought to a room with a giant spinning table thing where Kirk is laying naked on one side and there's some kind of Styrofoamish looking dummy on the other side.

_(((Mmmm…nekkid Kirk…too bad the thing holding him down covers a liberal amount of his waist. Damn 60s and their standards! ::Shakes fist::)))_

Kirk goes on a little ride, spinning around in circles for a minute or two. Andrea speeds it up, then slows it down, and *poof* there are now TWO nekkid Kirks!

_(((So all one needs to do is find a dummy and a merry-go-round and there'll be androids for everyone! Yay 60s!)))_

Now that they have a perfect replica of Kirk's body, it's time to make an identical mental pattern. The android will have the same thoughts, personality, behavior, memories, etc. Just before this process is started, Kirk gets an idea.

Kirk: "Mind your own business Mr. Spock, I'm sick of your half breed interference, do you hear?"

Kirk tries to say it again, but the process has started and he's in a wee bit of pain.

_((What, exactly, was Kirk's big idea? We shall see, my darlings.)))_

Now there's a perfect replica of Kirk.

_(((A dream come true, really. Kirks for everyone!)))_

Cut to Andrea serving Kirk and Chapel some multicolored watermelon chunks…I mean…"space food."

They chat for a bit…Kirk asks Chapel to betray Corby…Chapel refuses…the real Kirk enters…wait, do what now?

Yup, the real Kirk (sporting a lovely little new outfit) is escorted to the table by Corby and Ruck. Kirk and Android Kirk share a little mandatory android humor.

_(((This little bit features some really nice split screen work, actually. Extremely convincing, even by today's standards. Bravo.)))_

_(((And now, the lovely people at Star Trek would like to deliver the message of the hour.)))_

Corby tells android Kirk to go away, and then reveals that he could have out Kirk's very soul and consciousness into the android. Don't you see? Immortality! No more pesky emotions like hate or anger! Peace! A practical heaven!

Kirk brings up that it would also get rid of joy and love and, you know, humanity and shit.

_(((Silly Corby, Heaven's for superior beings.)))_

While they chat, Kirk starts untying a bit of rope that's on his chair. At the right moment, Kirk leaps at Corby and puts the rope around his neck, telling everyone to back off or he'll kill Corby.

_(((I swear! I'll choke him slowly while you stand there and watch or something! I'm dangerous! OoOOooOoo!)))_

Kirk makes a run for it and actually gets away this time. Corby sends Ruck after him and Chapel chases after Ruck.

_(((Typing that makes me want to cue the Benny Hill theme.)))_

_(((Oh, and while Chapel is chasing after Ruck, there's actually a really nicely framed shot of her at 34:14. Well done, cinematographer.)))_

Kirk tucks himself away in a cavern somewhere. Ruck enters the same area, and Kirk breaks off a stalactite to defend himself.

_(((Oh, by the way, just a little detail here but…THE STALACTITE LOOKS LIKE A PENIS. A DICK. A SCHLONG. A GIANT ERECTION. IT HAS A HEAD, A SHAFT, AND BALLS. WHOEVER THE SHIT DESIGNED THAT PROP DEFINITELY HAD SOMETHING ON HIS MIND. GET WHAT I'M SAYING?!_

_And we benefit by seeing the great Captain Kirk depicted holding a huge wang as a means of self-defense. This is quite possibly the most glorious Yay 60s moment in all of season one. Enjoy.)))_

Cut to Android Kirk walking along on the Enterprise. Gasp!

He passes by Spock, who immediately follows him and catches up to him the captain's quarters. Android Kirk is getting important papers out of a password protected cubby.

Spock: "Finished ahead of schedule."

Kirk: "Dr. Corby has considerable cargo to beam aboard. I'll have to go over our destination schedule with him."

Spock: "You're going back down with a command packet?"

_(((Spock is mildly suspicious of Kirk's behavior at this point.)))_

Kirk: "Mind your own business, Mr. Spock, I'm sick of your half breed interference, you hear?"

Spock: "Yes, very well captain."

_(((Now Spock KNOWS that something's up.)))*****_

Kirk: "You look upset, Mr. Spock, is everything alright up here?"

Spock: "No problems here, sir."

Kirk: "Good. I'll beam up shortly with Dr. Corby and party."

Spock then alerts security to have the landing party meet him in the transport room AFTER Kirk has beamed down.

_(((The android is supposed to be EXACTLY like Kirk, and Kirk expresses concern about Spock seeming upset. It's interesting to see Kirk's personality in this type of situation. The android rattled off the insult because Kirk said it out loud just before his brain was copied into the android, but clearly the android has been programmed to care about Spock. Well fancy that._

_Ah, that reminds me: Kirk chose to imprint an insult to Spock for a very good reason. He knew that Spock would be instantly suspicious if Kirk just up and insulted him like that. Why, could it be because Kirk would NEVER insult Spock, NEVER be that short with him? That behavior like that would be considered so odd, so OUT OF CHARACTER, that Spock would get the message that something was very, very wrong?_

_Yeah, okay, they're really good friends, yadda yadda…but a slashier explanation is perfectly viable. A situation like this is just as likely to stem from the motivation of love and attraction as it is the motivation of friendship and, as we've seen and will_ definitely _see more of…there's certainly an attraction there and a love developing…)))_

Cut to Corby and Android Kirk planning which planet they want to land and star making androids on.

Cut to the real Kirk in his prison room. Andrea comes in to get his tray of food.

Kirk: "Not yet. Kiss me."

Andrea obliges dutifully, then goes to slap him out of memory of the last time.

Kirk grabs her closer and kisses her with a great deal more passion this time. During this long kiss, he opens his eyes to see how she's reacting to it.

_(((Once again, Kirk has a very strong ulterior motive to kissing a woman. Well first of all he knows it's not a woman, so unless you wanna argue that Kirk's got a robot fetish we all know that he doesn't really want to bone the pretty android. And if that wasn't proof enough, he even opens his eyes during the "heated" kiss, which is the universal sign for "I'm not really into this." The guy is trying to get out of his imprisoned situation, not make a billion human/android babies._

_However we do_ technically _watch Kirk kiss an actress who is female, which I guess was enough to throw off the censors and viewers as to what was really going on up there on the Enterprise.)))_

Andrea tries to make a break for it, but super-smooth Kirk gets behind her and whispers into her ear.

Kirk: "What's the matter, Andrea? Confused?"

Andrea clearly IS confused, but flees the room anyway.

_(((There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Kirk is SO good at seduction that he can stimulate ROBOTS.)))_

Ruck arrives then, and Kirk interrogates him about "the old ones."

Long interrogation short: Kirk confuses/outsmarts the robot and convinces Ruck that he needs to destroy Corby.

Corby comes in then and ends up phasering Ruck into oblivion.

Corby and Chapel lead Kirk into the main area, and Kirk tries to overpower Corby. In the struggle, a piece of flesh from Corby's hand is torn off…to reveal Corby's mechanical insides! Corby's an android! AHHH!

But he's not just any android. Corby put his consciousness into an android when he was dying on the planet a while back. Corby calls for Andrea and as Andrea is crossing the hall when she runs into Android Kirk.

Andrea: "I will kiss you."

Android Kirk: "No."

Andrea: "You will not?"

Android Kirk: "It is illogical."

Andrea phasers Android Kirk into oblivion.

_(((And what's THIS?! The Android Kirk is exactly like Kirk. We know this because it's been beaten into our brains for about twenty minutes now. The Android Kirk refuses to kiss a hot chick. Isn't Kirk supposed to be a play boy? Isn't he supposed to gobble up women (or in this case female-looking beings) for breakfast? APPARENTLY NO, NOT SO MUCH.)))_

Andrea joins the Corby/Kirk/Chapel party, talking about she killed the real Kirk but whups, the real Kirk is right there.

_(((So there you have it. Andrea killed the Android Kirk because she thought it was the real Kirk and didn't like that he wouldn't kiss her. A little psycho, but whateva.)))_

Kirk: "She killed the android, Corby, the same way you killed Ruck. Is this your perfect world? Your flawless beings killing off one another? Aren't you doing exactly what you hate most in humans, killing with no more concern than when you turn off a light?"

_(((Thank you, Kirk, for nailing the message home.)))_

Corby tries to argue that he's a perfect being, but he's getting confused.

Corby: "Christine…Christine let me prove myself."

He holds up his wounded hand.

Corby: "Does this make such a difference?"

_(((Babe, your full of blinky lights and copper wiring. There's a difference.)))_

Chapel: "Don't you see, Roger? Everything you've done has proven it isn't you."

Corby: "I am Roger Corby!"

_(((KIRK, sir. The line is "I'M CAPTAIN KIRK!"_

_Oh, wait, we're not in that episode? This isn't_ The Enemy Within _? Huh, for a second there I could've sworn…)))_

Kirk tells Corby to prove it by giving him the phaser gun. Corby eventually does so, and Kirk demands Andrea's weapon.

Andrea then turns to Corby and starts talking about loving and kissing him.

_(((So Kirk's suaveness made her realize her love…for Corby? Interesting.)))_

Corby presses the trigger on Andrea's phaser (on purpose) and they're both killed.

And then the cavalry arrives, complete with Spock leading the way. Spock enters the room, sees Kirk standing up and Chapel sitting, doubled over with grief. The first thing out of Spock's mouth?

Spock: "Captain, are you alright?"

There's a good solid beat of silence as Kirk nods.

Spock: "Nurse?"

_(((If this scene looks familiar, it's because we saw almost the exact same thing happen at the end of the previous episode, Balance of Terror, only it was Kirk doing the asking._

_Yup, even if someone else is clearly worse off, Kirk and Spock will ask each other if they're alright…even if the answer to that is painfully obvious. They BOTH do this, in back to back episodes. How romantic._

_Yeah, that's right. ROMANTIC. This shit is adorable, and clearly shows who's always at the front of their minds. XD )))_

Spock asks where Corby is, and Kirk kind of half lies and says that Corby was never there.

_(((Well, it's time for the final scene. I might as well comment on it. I mean, it's not like anything incredibly flirty or adorable could happen in the last minute or so.)))_

Kirk is in his chair on the bridge. Spock approaches as Chapel leaves.

Kirk: "She's staying with ship."

There's a moment of silence. Kirk observes Spock.

Kirk: "Something bothering you, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term 'half breed,' captain."

There's another moment of silence.

Spock: "You must admit, it is an unsophisticated expression."

Kirk: "I'll remember that, Mr. Spock…the next time I find myself in a similar situation."

Cut to a grinning Spock, who looks ahead and fights back his smile.

Cut to Kirk, who's grinning as well.

_(((Okay, there's about 4,378 purely SLASHY things going on in this bit, so let's calm down and tackle it from the top._

_1\. Spock is the one to approach, and the one to speak first. This is one of the rare cases where Spock is the one to initiate the encounter, and he does so with immediate playfulness. But not overt, obvious playfulness, of course. Spock playfulness. Coy playfulness._

_2\. Kirk asks if anything's bothering Spock. This is, what, the fifth time in one episode that one of them has asked about the other's well being?_

_3\. The dialogue itself isn't flirty, but the way they deliver it sure as hell is. BOTH of them are fighting back grins during it, and they're eyeing each other like there's no freaking tomorrow._

_4\. Then, when Kirk is done with his line, we cut to see Spock BLATANTLY GRINNING. How long has he been grinning for? We're not sure, 'cause at that point the camera has been on Kirk for a bit, but damnit it's RIGHT THERE. He even tries to fight it back as he looks away, but he doesn't quite succeed._

_5\. Cut to Kirk with a matching little grin of his own._

_6\. I don't care who you are, this is a moment of tension. Tension of a romantic and sexual nature. Between two men. In the 60s. YAY 60s._

_I have just been adorabled to death.)))_

Kirk: "Steady as we go, helm."

_(((Steady indeed, Kirk. Steady indeed.)))_

End of episode.

***** _(((Someone who's screen name was only this: ;) just made a comment_   _that damn near knocked me out of my chair. In the beginning of the episode, Chapel intimates that engaged couples can always tell their lovers' voice. Later, when Android Kirk appears on the Enterprise, Spock is immediately suspicious, and Android Kirk's insult confirms his suspicion. This is pretty blatant. I mean, hell, Chapel wasn't even right when she said that it was Corby at the top of the episode, but Spock knew something was wrong with his man right off the bat. Whoever ;) is, I love you. I can't believe I missed something so delicious.)))_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Times immortality is found - 1
> 
> Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force - 1
> 
> Times Kirk rips/loses his shirt/has no shirt at all - 6
> 
> Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 1
> 
> Pointless Rolls - 2
> 
> Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 2 (I count the robots as computers)
> 
> Random crewman body count - 7
> 
> Times Kirk is Put in a Ridiculous Machine - 1


	10. 1x10 Dagger of the Mind

**Season One, Episode Ten: Dagger of the Mind**

The episode opens with a shot of cargo labeled 'Destination: Tantalus Penal Colony." A random crewman sets it on a transporter and they try to transport it but they can't seem to do it. Kirk comes in during the attempt and afterwards reminds the random crewmen that the location is a penal colony and you have to request for the force field to be opened. DUH.

The crewman transports the cargo, and then beams up cargo for the Enterprise from Tantalus. Kirk then teases the crewman a bit and leaves.

_(((What the hell, Kirk? Is that you flirting with a random crewman?_

_Look at his behavior towards the guy. Sly smiles, gentle teasing…and we all know what happens when Kirk grins. Just a thought, nothing terribly concrete.)))_

The cargo meant for the enterprise (cunningly labeled as CLASSIFIED MATERIAL and calmly orders anyone looking to DO NOT OPEN) then opens slowly from the inside, revealing an older, CrAzY looking guy with a breathing mask. He sneaks up behind the only crewman in the room (who is just so fascinated by anything that will keep his attention over THERE instead of over HERE) and knocks him out cold.

We come back from opening titles. Kirk muses about wanting to have met Dr. Adams, the guy who runs the Tantalus V penal colony, instead of just trading cargo. The bridge gets a message from Tantalus then, saying 'whups, we lost one of our crazies, keep an eye out, k?'

The crew is alerted and everyone goes on the lookout. Crazy dude is spotted, and Kirk contacts Tantalus to tell them as much. He ends up talking to Dr. Adams himself, which he thinks is pretty neat.

McCoy approaches Spock.

Spock: "Interesting. You Earth people glorify organized violence for forty centuries, but you imprison those who employ it privately."

_(((That's a pretty big punch in the gut to the American way, especially for the 60s. Go Roddenberry.)))_

McCoy and Spock chat a little bit more until the crazy dude appears on the bridge and gives a random crewman a judo chop to the neck. He demands to know where the captain is, and Kirk announces his presence.

Crazy dude introduces himself as Van Gelder and asks for asylum. He wants Kirk to promise that he won't make him go back to Tantalus V.

Kirk makes eyes contact with Spock, and starts to move closer to Van Gelder.

_(((This is a lovely moment of teamwork between them.)))_

Kirk says he can't promise anything and keeps Van Gelder's attention as Spock starts to move into place behind Senor Crazy. At the last moment, Van Gelder sees Spock. Kirk kicks the phaser out of Van Gelder's hand and Spock is quick with his famous Vulcan Nerve Pinch.

Cut to Kirk and McCoy standing over Van Gelder in sick bay. McCoy says that Van Gelder is saying a lot of things, not finishing sentences, generally talking crazy, but it always has a bit of a ring of truth to it.

Kirk questions Van Gelder, but it's reallllly hard for him to get out valuable information. He does manage to get out that he was the Director of the Tantalus colony. He says that he knew more, but they 'erased it.' He then starts to freak out at the thought of going back to Tantalus and McCoy sedates him.

Fade to Kirk walking into the bridge. He sees Spock (currently off camera), notices that Spock is captivated by something in his scanner and approaches him, taking his usual position of leaning next to him.

Kirk: "Estimating arrival at Tantalus..?"

Spock: "57 minutes, 30 seconds captain."

Kirk leans in close and peeks into the scanner for a moment.

Kirk: "What's so fascinating?"

Spock: "An identification tape from our ship's library on Dr. Simon Van Gelder."

_(((Kirk no likey Spock's attention being somewhere else. When Spock responds with the ETA, he doesn't even look up, which makes Kirk believe that whatever has Spock's attention must be REALLY interesting 'cause Spock hasn't looked at him yet. The rest of the convo is pretty close quarters and as I've said before: Closeness is, in fact, cute.)))_

The conversation reveals that Van Gelder used to be Dr. Adams associate. Kirk then contacts Dr. Adams and they chat a bit. Dr. Adams says that Van Gelder was experimenting with a beam that they had hoped would rehabilitate prisoners and Van Gelder insisted on taking the risk before anyone else.

McCoy has appeared, however, to call B.S.

Kirk and McCoy have a little debate until Spock chimes in and says that they should ask if Dr. Adams would like Van Gelder returned.

Spock gives Kirk a little "Well don't you think?" look and Kirk takes Spock's advice.

Long story short (too late): Kirk tells Dr. Adams that he's required to investigate and form a report to make sure that all is well.

Dr. Adams is more than happy to oblige, he only asks that a small party beams down for security reasons, and Kirk sees nothing wrong with that 'cause…well…there isn't.

We come back from commercial and Kirk contacts McCoy from the bridge to see how Van Gelder's doing (which isn't very well).

McCoy: "Van Gelder's still violently agitated, captain."

Kirk: "And you'd prefer to keep him here until I complete my investigation anyway."

Spock: "I believe we should, Jim."

_(((WHOA, back up. Spock doesn't bust out the 'Jim' card very often. So why now? Well actually…I'm not entirely sure why now. All I know it's that it's weird. Maybe Spock was using the informal name to show how strongly he felt about the decision without having to do much. That's the closest I can really come to a theory.)))_

McCoy says that the doctor he recommended to go with Kirk to Tantalus is Dr. Noel, and is waiting in the transporter room.

Cut to Kirk and Spock entering the transporter room to find Dr. Noel.

_(((Here's where shit gets interesting.)))_

Upon seeing Dr. Noel, Kirk is stunned. There's a swell of 'hey look a pretty girl' music, but Kirk isn't stunned at her beauty. Noel smiles slightly, fondly, _knowingly_.

Noel: "Dr. Helen Noel, captain. We've met."

Kirk immediately looks to Spock, who gives him a slow "Oh reeeaaallllyyyyy?" look back.

_(((Whenever it comes to Kirk and a girl, Spock always has a strong opinion/thought about it.)))_

Kirk doesn't seem too thrilled about the whole thing, and reluctantly takes his place next to her on the transporter pad.

Noel: "Don't you remember? The science lab Christmas party?"

Kirk: "Yes, I remember."

Noel: "You…dropped in-"

Kirk: "Yes, yes, I remember."

_(((Look at that bit. Kirk is trying his best to shut her the fuck up, but in the quietest way possible. The moment absolutely reeks of "I don't want to talk about it, especially not HERE."_

_Now why wouldn't Kirk want to talk about a particular endeavor in front of Spock, eh? EH?! It's always curious when a woman from Kirk's past (or a woman at all) pops up. Spock always has very little to do with anything, and Kirk NEVER hits on a woman when he knows Spock is watching, not even when he has a clear ulterior motive for doing so (which is quite a bit). And if someone has to accidentally barge in on Kirk and some chick, it's always Spock.)))_

"Problem, captain?" Spock asks innocently.

_(((Spock, you snarky BASTARD.)))_

Kirk thinks, glances at Noel, then steps off the transporter pad and walks up to Spock so that his next words are private.

Kirk: "Spock, you tell McCoy that she had better check out as the best assistant I ever had."

_(((Translation: Know the bitch, hate the bitch, don't wanna work with the bitch, so the bitch better be good at her bitchy job, the bitch.)))_

_(((Kirk is very clearly NOT happy about all of this. What a way to treat the Dame of the Hour Kirk, geez.)))_

_Kirk goes back up to the transporter pad and leaves Spock with a 'well well WELL' look on his face._

_Earlier I mentioned that Spock always has an opinion/thought when there's a Dame of the Hour. Well now I'd like to suggest what that opinion/thought might be:_

_I think Spock has a shit load of fun whenever a Dame of the Hour arrives, because he loves poking fun at Kirk about the whole thing with his trademark little glances and expressions. Why would he want to poke fun at him for this? Because Spock knows damn well what's happening between them._

_Imagine watching a guy, who you know is attracted to men, having to deal with women from his past._

_Yeah, it's pretty damn funny to think about._

_And so far Kirk has shown no genuine interest in a woman._

_Food for thought.)))_

Kirk and Noel are beamed to Tantalus V which doesn't look like the planet from the pilot episode in any way, shape or form…::cough::

Kirk and Noel begin to walk to the nearby elevator.

Kirk: "In here I presume, doctor."

Noel: "Perhaps it would be simpler if you called me Helen, captain, since-"

Kirk: "This is another time, another place, and another situation."

_(((Well now, what happened at the Christmas party, I wonder? It must have something seriously hot and hetero to have Kirk acting like this. Hmmmm…)))_

The second they step into the elevator the doors slam shut and elevator rockets downward. Kirk grabs a hold of Noel out of fright and they both hold on, wondering that the fuck is going on.

_(((It's probably worth pointing out that Kirk really does grab her out of fright. The moment comes off way more as "EEP!" than "You must be frightened, let me put my manly arms around you and cop a feel.")))_

We finally meet Dr. Adams, and Noel throws out a couple of lame jokes. Kirk contacts Spock to and tells him that all is well. It's not long before Lethe enters, a former prisoner of the penal colony who stayed on to become a therapist after treatment.

Dr. Adams introduces her to Kirk and Noel. Her personality looks like this: ….

Kirk asks her a few questions.

Kirk: "Before you came here…?"

Lethe: "I was another person. Malignant, hateful."

_(((Now I'm monotone, soulless.)))_

Kirk: "May I ask what crime you committed?"

Lethe: "Does it matter? That person no longer exists."

Dr. Adams chimes in and says that burying the past is part of treatment, and Noel (stupidly) agrees that the approach is wise.

Fade to the end of the grand tour. Kirk notices a room they haven't looked at yet.

Kirk: "Doctor…?"

Dr. Adams: "Ah, I was afraid you'd ask about this, captain. One doesn't like to talk about their personal failures and all. Just an experiment that went wrong, I'm afraid."

Kirk: "May I see it?"

Noel: "Captain, if something hasn't worked out and therefore has no scientific val-"

Kirk: "Shall we leave that up to the doctor?"

Noel: "Since you brought me down here for advice, captain, I-"

Kirk: "One of the advantages of being captain, doctor, is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it."

_(((I love this, 'cause he puts her in her place with a smile. I also love this, because we all know whose advice he respects enough to actually FOLLOW more often than not...as we have been shown repeatedly, and even earlier in this very episode. ;) )))_

Cut to sick bay, where McCoy and Spock are standing over Van Gelder, who says something about a 'neural neutralizer.' Spock tries to get him to elaborate, but the guy is too much pain-and-wild-facial-expressions to really say anything.

Cut to Kirk/Noel/Adams in the experiment room.

Dr. Adams: "A neural neutralizer. Experimental. Actually, we don't expect to get much use out of it at all. That beam from above neutralizes brain waves, relaxes the face and does them no harm, of course. The effects are only temporary."

Even though the thing doesn't work, they still use it in hopes of calming the more violent cases. They all leave, except for Kirk who stays behind to ask the random worker how it operates. Then they all find out that Van Gelder's injury happened under the neural neutralizer 'cause he just HAD to try it alone and shit.

They all leave, and we get to see the random worker tell the prisoner under the neutralizer to forget what had just happened, ramp up the neutralizer's power, and cause the prisoner a great deal of pain.

_(((In case you didn't realize it by now: Something's rotten in the state of Tantalus V.)))_

Later, Spock contacts Kirk via communicator and tells him Van Gelder believes Kirk to be in danger down there. Noel chimes in with a "That's foolish!" because she's a little stupid.

_(((Not 'Rand' stupid…but stupid.)))_

They swap info, which isn't much, then Kirk says that they'll spend the night on the planet. Van Gelder hears this and starts screaming "NOOO!" because he, for some reason, is the only one who thinks that is a BAD idea.

All Van Gelder can get out, though, is that Adams will destroy something in manner that is "like death."

Cue long shot of his horrified, hi-larious expression.

We come back from commercial to hear Spock talking about how he will now use an ancient Vulcan technique to enter Van Gelder's mind and try to make sense out of this whole mess. Spock seems hesitant to do this.

McCoy: "Spock, if there's the slightest possibility it might help…"

Spock: "I've never used it on a human, doctor."

McCoy: "If there's any way we can look into this man's mind to see if what he's saying is real or delusion we should-"

Spock: "It's a hidden, personal thing to the Vulcan people…and our private lives."

McCoy takes a brief moment. Now he has to break out the big guns.

McCoy: "Now look, Spock, Jim Kirk could be in real trouble. Will it work or not?"

Spock says nothing, and goes over to Van Gelder and begins the procedure.

 _(((AHA! Until McCoy brings up that JIM KIRK could be in danger, Spock is all 'well it's like uber private and never been done on humans and I dunno it's kinda hard…' but man, the_ second _he hears Kirk's name, he sucks it up and does it anyway._

_McCoy knew it would work too, you can see him make the decision to go there before he says "Now look…"_

_Why McCoy, you manipulative little country doctor, you. XD_

_He uses a similar tactic on Kirk in a later episode, only it's even MORE telling then.)))_

Cut to Noel's quarters. The door buzzes and she answers. Why, it's Kirk! There must be some sexy sex on the way.

"Good evening," Kirk says as he strides right past her and into the room.

"Good evening," Noel cheerfully greets.

Kirk is still concerned, "What did you think of the inmates we saw this afternoon?"

_(((Shoot down #1)))_

"You could've waited until tomorrow morning to ask me that, captain," she quips with a light playfulness.

"I didn't," Kirk quickly states, not swayed by her tone in the slightest.

_(((Shoot down #2)))_

Noel finally picks up on his vibe and her tone turns professional, "I thought they were happy. Well adjusted."

From there Kirk says that he wants to get a closer look at that room and off they go.

_(((We get from Kirk's behavior that something is on his mind, and it's most certainly not Noel. So much for hawt sexy sex action.)))_

And now back to Spock's Vulcan mind probe thingy. Spock learns that the neutralizer is used to re-shape any mind Dr. Adams chooses, and he wiped out Van Gelder's memory. The neutralizer makes the person's mind completely blank, to the point that any thought or suggestion can be absorbed.

Cut to Kirk and Noel in the neutralizer room. Kirk has Noel operate the machine and he has a seat in the chair.

_(((Well this can only end with sunshine and rainbows.)))_

They try a shot of the neutralizer at minimum intensity for a second or two, and all it does is make Kirk's face go completely blank. They try it again, and Noel suggests that Kirk is hungry. When she turns the machine off, he makes a comment about being hungry.

They decide to try it again, and Kirk tells her to try "something  _unusual_ , an  _unusual_  suggestion that we can both be sure of."

Noel turns the machine on.

Noel: "At the Christmas party. We met. We danced. You talked about the stars. I suggest now that it happened in a different way. You swept me off my feet and carried me to your cabin."

_(((So the big 'Christmas party' encounter was a conversation about the stars? Nothing happened? Not a thing? WOW. Are you shocked? I'm not._

_So wait, then why does Kirk dislike this chick so much? Sure, she's kinda dim, but other than that she's just a pretty girl with the hots for the captain. Maybe he got sick of her advances because he's just NOT interested…wonder why that would be…)))_

Now we get to see Noel's fantasy on screen. Kirk carries her into his chamber, they're both laughing.

Kirk: "Merry Christmas."

Noel: "Captain, do you think the crew saw you carry me here?"

_(((No, I don't think they noticed the captain of their ship sweeping a woman up into his arms and leave giggling like a school girl. ::Headdesk::)))_

Kirk: "My crew…is sworn to secrecy."

Noel: "But my reputation…I mean, just having met like this…of course, it would be different if you cared for me."

Kirk: "You want me to manufacture a lie? Wrap it up as a Christmas present for you?"

Noel: "No. I'd prefer honesty."

Kirk then proceeds to ram his tongue down her throat.

/end fantasy

_(((Okay…so even in Noel's FANTASY he doesn't have any real feelings for her? Wow…just…wow.)))_

Dr. Adams and his men suddenly arrive and restrain Noel. Dr. Adams takes over offering the suggestions and cranks up the power of the neutralizer.

Dr. Adams: "You're madly in love with Helen, captain. You'd lie, cheat, steal for her. Sacrifice your career, you're reputation."

_(((::Clears throat::_

_Kirk does in fact lie, cheat, steal and sacrifice his career and reputation for someone over the course of TOS and the films. That someone is Spock._

…

_That is all.)))_

Noel: "No, doctor, no!"

Dr. Adams: "You feel it, captain. You must have her or the pain grows worse. The pain, the longing for her."

Kirk: "Helen…"

Dr. Adams: "For years, you've loved her, captain. Years."

Kirk: "For years, I've loved you."

Dr. Adams: "You must continue to remember that, captain. Now, she's gone."

Dr. Adams cranks up the machine, then makes Kirk drop his phaser on the floor. Kirk struggles with this order, because deep inside himself he knows this is the wrong thing to do, but he does it. Dr. Adams tells him to drop the communicator next, but Kirk manages to open it and tries to hail the Enterprise. Dr. Adams jacks up the power yet again until Kirk screams in pain.

Commercial.

Kirk is now laying in his quarters as Noel dabs his head with a cloth. His eyes pop open.

Noel: "They've taken you from the room, captain. You're in your own quarters now."

Kirk: "Helen…Helen for years I've loved you."

_(((This would be really sweet…if he wasn't completely hypnotized into thinking he loves her at the moment. Once again, when Kirk actually shows interest in a chick, it's not his idea.)))_

Noel gets Kirk to remember Dr. Adams and the neutralizer. He temporarily snaps out of the trance, sees an air duct on the wall, and gets an idea. He sends her through it to get to the power supply to short circuit it and get rid of the force field.

Just as she gets through, guards arrive to take Kirk to another treatment.

Now Kirk is back in the chair. Dr. Adams comments that Van Gelder was on his hands and knees, sobbing at this point in the experiment.

_(((We're meant to gather exactly how strong Kirk's mind and will are when it comes to pain.)))_

_(((Brace yourself for quick cuts. Shit happens fast.)))_

Dr. Adams hears that Noel is gone, and he tries to force information out of Kirk until Kirk collapses.

Cut to Noel. She gets to the main power control room and Spock is on the Enterprise trying to get the transporter to work despite the force field.

Noel manages to shut off the main power, and the neutralizer shuts off too.

Cut to Kirk beating the shit out of the Dr. Adams and the guard and running off.

Cut to Noel. A guard shows up and turns the power back on. She kicks him into the power supply and he gets electrocuted, shorting out the force field.

Cut to Spock on the Enterprise. He immediately hops in the transporter and beams down. He then turns off the force field but turns the main power on, reactivating the neutralizer.

Cut to Kirk. He's back in his quarters, and Noel has just arrived in his quarters via the duct she left by.

The hypnosis takes over and Kirk pulls her out, kissing her.

Noel: "This isn't right, captain."

Spock enters then, and sees them kissing.

_(((Check out Spock's shocked expression. How very INTERESTING.)))_

Noel pulls away.

Noel: "Dr. Adams did this to you!"

Spock arches an eyebrow, as if to say "Oh…really?"

_(((There he goes again, having an opinion about Kirk and a woman.)))_

Kirk: "Dr. Adams…"

Kirk looks at Spock, snapping out of it. Spock cocks his head to the side, as if to say "What mess did you get yourself into THIS time?"

Kirk: "Dr. A…the treatment room. Follow me."

Kirk, Noel and Spock run off.

_(((Kirk "loving" Noel is never again addressed. We're left to assume that the hypnosis has been broken. When did the hypnosis break? When Kirk saw Spock._

…

… _._

_Don't look at me, I didn't right this stuff._

_You watch some more of the episode while I go track down my mind. If that fucking thing reels one. more. time…)))_

The Enterprise's crew now has control of the colony, and Kirk and company rush into the neutralizer chamber to find Dr. Adams dead. The machine was turned up enough to kill, and Kirk muses that he died because his mind was empty and he was all  _alone_.

Cut to later, on the bridge. Kirk enters, his mind clearly occupied, his movements slow. Spock informs him that the treatment room has been dismantled. Kirk takes his seat. McCoy stands behind him.

McCoy: "It's hard to believe that a man could die of loneliness."

There's a solid four seconds of silence as Kirk's mind works.

Kirk: "Not when you've sat in that room."

There's a few more seconds of silence.

Kirk takes a breath and glances over at Spock.

Spock looks at Kirk, concerned for him in a very quiet, deep way.

Kirk smiles gently at him.

Kirk: "Take us out of orbit, Mr. Spock. Ahead Warp Factor One."

Spock smiles slightly.

Spock: "Acknowledged, captain. Warp Factor One."

Spock steps away, Kirk is still smiling.

_(((….._

… _.._

… _.._

_Every now and then I have a thought. What if Kirk/Spock fans are just wrong? What if we're crazy? What if we just hope so hard that we convince ourselves something that just isn't true?_

_Then moments like this happen, and those thoughts vanish instantly._

_Let's take a closer look at this, shall we?_

_Beat One: Just after Kirk has said 'Not when you've sat in that room' he's looking out ahead at nothing. He is clearly haunted by the torture he endured, and something else as well. Kirk already had a fear of ending up alone to begin with. We learned in_ The Naked Time _that he desperately wants someone, he doesn't want to be alone. It's an aspect of his character that recurs throughout the series and movies. So to throw in torture that leaves you blank and alone on top of that is just down right cruel. During this beat he's contemplating the reality of his deepest fear, and he has been since he entered the bridge (hence his odd behavior)._

_Beat Two: Kirk glances at Spock. For a brief moment, we see Spock watching Kirk. He's concerned, worried, his expression is incredibly subtle, but his inner life is yelling at the top of its lungs. Nimoy, my friends, can ACT. This is a suspended moment, as triggered by Kirk's inhale before he glances over. We're all on the edge of our seats._

_Beat Three: Kirk smiles. He_ smiles _at Spock. As he delivers his order to Spock, we see that he's put at ease. He knows he doesn't have to fear being alone…when he looks at Spock._

_Beat Four: During Kirk's last line of his order, we get to see Spock's expression. Spock is now relieved as well, his inner smile so great that we get to see a physical one. He glances at McCoy, checking to see if the doctor has picked up on what has just passed between him and Kirk. Spock delivers his line with lightness, and ends it smiling one of his trademark verrry subtle smiles._

_Beat Five: Spock walks away. Kirk is now smiling widely._

_Beat Six: Kirk's mind travels back to the torture he has endured and his smile fades, an affect that would happen to any man having been through torture._

_All of this communicated in 19 seconds of footage, with some beats lasting barely a moment._

_If you're thinking that this is fucking impressive, you would be right._

_All of that to convey something that's pretty simple: Kirk knows he will never be alone because he has Spock. This isn't the only time that this point is brought up, either. Only next time it gets smacked over our heads in a moment that's much longer, with events that you can't ignore. This moment slips by, but if you really look at it, you can see that it's all there._

_Roddenberry, Nimoy, and Shatner were absolute geniuses at pulling this off._

… _and we're not even to Shore Leave yet.)))_

End of episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This is the 'full edition' that I throw in every five episodes. It features everything I'm keeping track of that has made it onto the score board so far. There's still plenty of stuff I'm tracking that hasn't happened yet.)
> 
> Times a god-like being is featured - 1
> 
> Times a disease threatens the crew - 1
> 
> Time the transporter breaks/malfunctions - 1
> 
> Times immortality is found – 1
> 
> Random crewman body count - 7
> 
> Times Kirk Kisses a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force - 2
> 
> Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to - 4
> 
> Times Kirk rips/loses his shirt/has no shirt at all - 6
> 
> Times Kirk is injured - 1
> 
> Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 2
> 
> Pointless Rolls - 2
> 
> Times Kirk outsmarts computer - 2
> 
> Times Spock is injured - 2

**Author's Note:**

> Times a God-like entity is featured - 1
> 
> Times Kirk resists/ignores a pretty lady when he has no reason to - 1
> 
> Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt - 1
> 
> Pointless Rolls - 1
> 
> *I'm keeping track of more than that, but instead of listing everything every time I'm just tossing up the ones featured in the episode.


End file.
